ANS/ALTL, The difference here is that Alot's spouse is not embroiled in the negativity associated with spouses in Newcomers. Tell me if I'm wrong "Alot" but you both are moving forward with your lives in a somewhat centered fashion.
Alot needs to be able to communicate her needs to her H just as he needs to tell her about his work day. It's how he deprograms himself. She needs to deprogram as well.
The question is how to reach him. This is where "trying something new" still comes into play. I still communicate my needs to my W. However, I have changed my approach. For me, less works better than more. I decide what the message is that I need to deliver to W. I take time to prepare it, decide if it is really important, fine tune it and then wait for the opportunity to deliver it. It may take weeks for me to complete the communication. Then I let it go. It's kinda like planting a seed. I try to assure I plant it in moist fertile ground and then wait to see if it sprouts.
I'm not saying this will work for you. I'm merely showing you how I did something different to achieve a better situation.
If your H still gets defensive and upset with all OR conversations, your H probably is still off center and you should consider the detatching philosophy that ANS eludes to. I kinda get the impression that your H is not off center as much as he does not respond well to a direct approach. If the direct approach does not work, try using more indirect approaches.
