I've found that just about any technique (I messages, oblique references, …. Whatever) can be sabotaged by your spouse's preconceptions. If your spouse sees these techniques as "tricks" to manipulate him/her, he/she will not hear the words, but only accusations (that they haven't done enough).
I've found that actions speak louder than words. I respond as best I can to W's needs without the expectation that she'll reciprocate. So, for now, I simply do NOT express my needs. I wait for her to ask. It's a slow process, but she's starting to reciprocate.
Bottom line: if W is to do things for me, it has to come from HER. Not me.
