What have others done...heard of being done... wished they could do about the age old issue of expressing one's needs without it coming across to their beloved as criticism?

I've tried "I messages", well chosen words, asking for simple concrete actions that would solve the problem, choosing the best time, using the best tone of voice I can find, pointing out positives....OK maybe I haven't done all these per fect ly and at the same time...

I have found that it helps to choose carefully what to address and then to do so as best as I can as soon as possible. It does not seem to help me or my H to stuff it. I remember once reading in some relationship book about the 3Cs: cope, care, confront. I have needed to learn about and use the first two in a big way in my relationship with my H. Also I've confronted things about myself that I was blind to--we all know this is a life time project. But where does confronting each other for the sake of a honest, genuine relationship fit. It seems like there's got to be a way to lovingly, constructively tell the truth about what one is experiencing. Not overtell it, not blame each other, not allow onesself to be insensitive to the other, but genuinely share. Isn't that what intimacy is?

On the other hand...I have been doing better about taking care of my needs myself. Maybe unconditional love and forgetting about my H doing anything about my needs is the answer. Maybe being his best friend and listening to his troubles is the answer.

My dear H has been working non-stop and when we spend time together guess what he talks about...our life together ...not! work of course! I have spent all of our marriage doing everything I could (moving, leaving family, quitting my career, listening, counseling, advising untold hours) to support him in his work. Surely, something was wrong with this picture. Surely, staying in the same old pattern out of "unconditional love" is not the answer.

What does "unconditional love" with boundaries that allow one to have a happy, fulfilling, strong self, look like?

Concrete Questions: What to do when H talks about work more than 20 minutes and I can tell there's lots more coming?

A. Actively listen.
B. Go to the bathroom, get a wet rag and throw it at him.
C. Very politely tell him I have some work for my new job that I need to do.
D. Very potitely tell him I'm going for a jog. Take out all my frustration on the road.
E. Other

[ October 03, 2001: Message edited by: alottolearn ]