It 's been almost 2 weeks since my H indicated he wants to come home...we've been separated for almost 3 mos. and his anger has gone away over some very bitter fights. I guess my fear comes in to play b/c H would still like to keep his lease (which ends the end of May 02) for the mere fact he and I can use it as a getaway place while being in the City. We've been in dating mode as he's still living at the apartment until Aug. 11th. It's been a positive thing for both of us as the shock of moving back right away might have been tremendous. I got upset with him the other night while waiting for him at his apt. (not angry but hurt) expressing how hard it was for me to sit in his 'new' place even though he said he is moving back. My C thinks I should communicate to H that it's not a good idea for me to be there psychologically as it represents our separation, his new life, etc. I seem to be fine when H is there but I guess waiting a few hours (he was late coming back from hearing music) I was reading and staring at the walls and it hurt like hell. When H returned I let him know that I wasn't mad at his being late but it hurt to be there. He didn't want 'to go there' as he was looking forward to our going out and having some fun. When we got back from our outing, I let him know that I was very upset that he didn't see his part in all of this. We didn't get too flared but I feel it was a backslide on my part.
I guess my question is, am I out of line for putting my foot down regarding the apt. and suggest we sublet it and/or expressing I don't feel comfortable being there? I feel so vulnerable about this and I know I need to focus on the positives rather than the negatives. Would someone respond-I need a pep talk. tx, s
here is your pep talk! i think that you were right in telling your H how upset you were. he should know what your feelings are at this point and he should be supportive of those feelings. if he is not supportive, then how can things work when he does move home. will he continue to disregard your feelings then? if reconciliation is in the process, then you need to sit down and discuss/write a game plan for it. continue to pray and ask God to lead you in every direction. be very honest and upfront on issues that concern you. is he coming back to try or is he coming back with the notion that it will never happen again. piercing a marriage back together is probably just as difficult as when the "bomb" hits. you remember a lot from the past and expect things to go back to that way. DBing doesn't end when the SO comes home. it is a continual process. don't let your guard down.
trent, thank you so much for the words of encouragement and wisdom! it's definitely a bitter sweet situation and i realize how DBing truly happens when the WA comes home. i'm learning about being independent but i think we need to learn to be interdependent. you are absolutely right about jotting down and revisiting what areas we need to work on but by being solution focused. as for H intention of coming back, you bring up a very good question and one that i don't and can't answer. i think H is motivated by his love for me but i'm not sure if he thinks there will be maintenance involved. i, however, will take your advice on praying for God's guidance and leading as i go into an exciting phase yet with caution.
i pray for you just about ev. day for you and your SO. i do hope there have been some baby steps for your situation but if not, there's still the luxury of time. God won't let you down. you've been a real servant putting out the scriptures and being a prayer warrior. God will surely reward you for your obedience as well as your helping others.
Sarah, Trent is so right. W and I are about 10 mos into the recon process. It definitely takes desire and effort on the part of both spouses.
Not sure of your story or if you are togather seeing a M counselor. At some point you need to discuss what went wrong with ears and hearts open. Both of you need to make an effort to meet the others needs.
Don't expect loads of quick progress. This is a process of baby steps.
Tell H you don't want to keep the apartment cus of what it represents. Keep in mind that H may not be ready to come home yet. He may be very unsure of himself, you and the R. If this is the case. It may be wise to delay his return.
Personally, I think this process continues for the rest of our lives. R's don't work well on automatic. The speed at which we arrive at that warm fuzzy spot is dependent on the willingness and ability to confront what we contributed to the mess in the first place.
You will need patience now more than ever before.
Welcome to the Piecing forum.
Kent
[This message has been edited by KentS (edited 07-28-2001).]
Hi Sarah- I suppose I may give you a slightly different slant from some of the other responses. Obviously, I don't know all of the details of your situation, but I would suggest that you do not need to have everything mapped out in your reconciliation at the outset. You are both likely fearful of what may be ahead and, although solid communication will be needed in order to restore full faith, pushing on the apartment issue is not necessarily going to aid your ultimate goal.
My H and I were separated for 19 months and he lived in another house we owned during that period. When we began reconciling I wanted "his" house on the market immediately and stressed myself over this issue beyond description. When I accepted in my mind that the house really truly did mean nothing in the full scheme of things and totally backed off of the topic, the house was put on the market and quickly sold. I suppose that it also became evident that I would not hound my H on the topic, but that I still hoped he would take the necessary measures to address something that he knew bothered me.
Every situation is different though Sarah. In mine, I did learn that relaxing more and believing more in my H and his plans likely helped to restore our marriage and make it better than ever. Similarly, my H became more responsive when I simply expressed my feelings void of sharp demands and ultimatums. I never stopped being true to myself because I knew what would be supposed "deal breakers" or complicating factors that I could not tolerate.
Reread the sections in "Divorce Busting" re. reconciliation. Reconciliation can be a roller coaster ride even with the best team work involved. I view divorce busting as an acquired skill that should last a lifetime, as opposed to something that is merely switched on during those hopefully limited times of crisis.
having 'been there, done that' I can tell you one thing: Neither of you should be giving the other your 100% all at this stage of the game. Giving too much too soon can do severe damage to the long term viability of your "new" relationship. You both need to 'work' your way back fully into each others heart. It's a slow, trying process.
Take it slow and easy. Use good communication skills and know when to back off. If you are unsure of the meaning of something your H has said or done, then simply tell him how you interpreted his words/actions and ask him if that is how he meant for his words/actions to come across. That is a first step toward successful reconciliation and something you can do when dealing with anyone, not just your H.
Lower your expectations a little also. You don't need the undue pressure of worrying if H will meet your stringent requirements right away.
Good Luck, and RELAX, you'll do just fine.
Greg
[This message has been edited by gbon (edited 07-31-2001).]
Thank you all so much for the insight. I think the baby step concept is what should be my expectation for now. H expressed that he would definitely be home again August 11th and in the interim, we would be seeing ea. other (hopefully the house vs. the apt.). I have to agree w/Jamie in that I don't want to come across controlling, by telling H he should really sell as it represents something negative to me. By the same token, I'll be true to myself and express how it makes me feel to be there if it becomes too difficult. I've already had a heart to heart w/H over this and in fact, H mentioned in passing that he could try and sublet. I didn't act too excited about the prospect and said it would be up to him to make that decision. I'm trying to stay away from old MO's of trying to control. I think the more autonomous my H can feel, the more he would be willing to gravitate towards me and the R and want to do what's right (in theory anyway).
Again, thank you all so much for your wisdom. I will definitely refer to your responses and remember to keep up the DBing. Although, H has the book right now. Oh I guess I can purchase another, right.
