I read "After the Affair" back at Christmas when there seemed there was no hope at all of H coming back. It helped me a little and I saw that the parts about H did not seem to be judgemental, but considerate of his feelings, also. (Made a mental note).
So when H and I started talking again a couple of months ago now, and he confided his confusion about wanting to break up with ow, wanting to come back to me, etc... I gave him the book. Told him that I found it helpful and non-judgemental, and that it might help him understand what he is going through. I said it was just a tool and it wouldn't bother me if he didn't read it. And that I hoped when he saw the parts about what I was going through, it wouldn'tmake him feel bad. That was not the point of it.
He was really appreciative and says he will read it, but hasn't yet. I think he thinks it's for a later part in his process. Anyway, I have mentioned it a couple of times really casually when he was talking about "having a hard time", then I dropped it.
I think the key in sharing these tools with our spouses is to do it in a careful way. LEt them know the intention is not control. That is still really hard for me, too.
