Things are going pretty well for us, no real major backslides and I have been able to keep my mouth shut and enjoy OR...but I need to talk to him and need him to talk to me.
We cannot go through our entire lives just acting as if everything is nice and rosy and that we have NO problems-never had any problems-and are the perfect couple, our unresolved differences will not miraculously fix themselves and the resentment will only build. I realize that some differences have no resolution...and that his desire is to just put this thing (as he calls it) as far behind him/us as possible.
I asked him the other night how he was 'doing'...he said 'fine'. He asked how I was...I said that I was ok most of the time but there were some difficult times and that I still had a number of issues that I need to overcome. Next I asked him about OR talks, I told him that I thought I was ready to have mature non-C mediated discussions with him. I told him that I still feel edgy because of my perceived lack of resolution on the whole "why" question. I told him that I needed him to talk to me and asked him to trust me with his feelings.
I proposed that we set aside a period of time every week where we talk about the A. As I have a (slight) tendency to pontificate and belabor issues (not any more tho-getting pretty good at this DB stuff!) I told him that we could even set a timer so I wouldn't keep running my mouth and that we'd allot each other equal talk time.
He agreed and said he thought it was a good idea. I told him he could pick the day, as his schedule is much more 'set' than mine.
Then I dropped it. That was 4 days ago. Nothing more has been said about it. I will wait somewhat longer and then approach him again, as I know he will not approach me on this with a day...
He knows this is hard for me, and I know this is hard for him...and he knows I know it is hard on him. Y'know!?
Unpacking another box from overseas on Sat he came across a fridge magnet with a note (obvious women's writing) on the back, nothing too personal-then signed with what I thought was the nickname of OW (based on her name it would be an appropriate nickname). I just left the room...could not speak.
Although I tried to keep the feelings to myself and rationalize how I felt and about how it was ridiculous to have such a reaction to a stupid magnet, I was still pretty upset. He noticed my mood change and asked what was wrong. I told him I was probably just overreacting and that I didn't want him to see me so upset (I was crying and could not breath). He explained about the magnet, who it was from and assured it was not from OW.
I said it was sometimes very hard for me and that I still had issues to work out.
He didn't attempt to comfort me and just left me alone.
I thought that was pretty shitty of him. Although I didn't want him to see me that upset, I wanted him to comfort me-reassure me. Before he left the room I was not mean, I did not accuse him of keeping something OW'd given him, I just stated that I should not have seen that, didn't want to see it because I had not realized he'd kept anything she'd given him. He told me it wasn't from her and that he had nothing she'd ever given him (which wasn't much anyway-birthday card and christmas present/card). That's when I told him I still had issues...then he just left me alone.
As the day progressed (we were cleaning house) we both acted as if the whole thing never happened and were 'buddies' again.
I feel bad he had no comfort for me. It's not like I walk around with this chip on my shoulder and I am not moping around nor am I depressed (anymore)...so WTF do I have to do to get him to show me his emotions...and when I (God forbid) show MY human side...get him to acknowledge that I have feelings and AM NOT as strong as I come off to be?
I'm just venting here...
...but sometimes I get sick and tired of pretending that I'm happy ALL the time...sometimes I'm NOT happy. But I'm afraid if I let my 'true colors' show once again, he'll feel bad and when he does that he clams up. What I want him to do is open up...I know...it's all in the WAY I show him. But is seems to have the same effect no matter how I express myself-he gets quiet.
I fear he is headed for a major meltdown in the near future. Right now, I want to be there and be able to help him handle it....but I can now see how those feelings may change in the future. Perhaps that is the ultimate detachment...or simply apathy.
