I like your analogy of waiting on the other side, that's how I feel most of the time in dealing with the whole A issue (although in my case it could also be termed overanalyzing!!). I have accepted that fact that it happened and that I cannot change it. I have forgiven myself for my conduct, actions and reactions in the years leading up to it. I am trying very hard to forgive him for his mistake. I tell myself daily (and several times throughout the day) that I forgive him. I have not yet told him. At the last C session I said I wanted to...but....then C said-something is holding you back, what is it? Basically his inability to open up to me about the whole thing-the fact that I really had no idea things were 'that bad' between us still confuses me.
I am not sure he realizes the magnitude of this for me, to actually say those words outloud to him and hope desperately he believes me. I asked him a while back if he'd forgiven himself for this whole thing....pat answer "I don't know", which to me, means no. Maybe he needs to hear me say it first, I dunno, or maybe he's afraid I won't ever forgive him so how can he forgive himself? We have been 'living it' tho, but the actual verbalization of it is another thing, and it's a biggie for me-I think it has to do with my huge problem with lies-don't say something you don't mean-it incenses me.
I know I have come a long way but I also see how much more I have to do. I can now recognize the 'things' BA (before affair) that would just set me off. I still feel it inside but am calm, cool and collected on the outside. I am trying, like you said a while ago in a post, to figure out WHY I have those sorts of reactions and what triggers them....and then identify alternate reactions that are (probably) more appropriate.
Want to read some more-and a few things over.
And try to suppress the underlying fear that because I really feel no true resolution that this thing is gonna come back to us someday and bite us in the butt. His pretending everything was rosey BA was inevitably what helped him to go astray.
L
p.s. Hmmm is that a proposal??!!!hehe!! (very sweet and just the ego boost I needed today!) Tell you what-let's stay here on the other side for a bit and see how things pan out-Daddy always told me never close any doors/burn any bridges....thanks buddy!
