The C and H and I agreed from the beginning that this therapy was not intended to last a long time, she was there to help us find the tools we needed to communicate with each other and solve the immediate problem(s) once recognized. She told us from the beginning that the main goal was for us not to need her anymore and be in a position to do what we did with her on our own. She helped us to try and find solutions to the problems at hand, tried to help us recognize how the other person felt and perceived things, and encouraged us not to dwell on things from the past, once we identified them as "issues", because we cannot change them.
We gave her our backgrounds in the beginning and some of our past so she would have a base but she already knew me, and what I told her of H, from a year ago. I started seeing her in Feb of 00 after I found out H was talking to OW on line, this is when he lied claiming it was only "talking". I saw her probably a total of 8 or 9 times, then H came home and on we went with our merry lives until the bomb in Nov.
We discussed DB and SBT and she is a supporter of brief therapy and finding solutions rather than dwelling on the past. She has felt that we have been 'close to firing her' for the last 3 sessions. She made the comment this time "so, are you ready to fire me yet? (smiles and looks at me then at H and says) I know he is!"
It was his idea to go once the bomb got dropped. He asked me to contact her, since I had seen her before. He never gave me a hard time about going to the appointments and we usually made it a 'half day for us' kind of thing, appt from 14-1500 and then didn't have to pick up the kids until 1715. He comutes an hour each way to work and with is profession it is often diffucult for him to leave for personal appointments during the day...but he always did.
A problem we had in the past was him choosing his profession over his family, and having been in that profession myself, I understand. I don't like it, but I understand-and that is the main reason I am no longer in that particular profession.
To his credit he made every appt, sometimes at the expense of other things on his schedule.
You are right, I cannot (and do not) belabor my 'need to know' and keep after him about talking to me. He knows how I feel. I doubt he will forget!
He also understands that sometimes I do need to talk about it. He has handled that well so far...much better than I. Last time I had to stop and leave the room because I was getting too angry. It ended good tho.
I do believe that he thinks he doesn't know right now, but I also believe there is much more to the whole thing, for him, and for some reason(s) he just cannot tell me.
I told him that I hope he can someday, and until then, I will be here for him.
I am comfortable with our decision not to schedule another C session. We basically left it open so that we could schedule anytime we felt the need.
I wish H would go on his own, I asked him once if he thought it would help him....he said, as he has gotten so good at lately, "I don't know"...I didn't want to push the issue and "nag" so I let it go. I think it would help him, but like you said, I cannot face his deamons for him...whatever they may be (aside from the A).
It worries me that he may not be perceived as 'willing to work on our marriage'. Am I sugar coating how he really is? Or am I not seeing things as they really are? Or am I making mountains out of molehills?
