jj- You are on the right track dude!! Those things if done by my H would definitely get me going!
Violet - I am going to try to find that book - I especially like the reversible jacket cover!!
Lee - How have you been, girlfriend ?! I have missed talking with you!! I have a couple of Laura Corn's books - we have tried a few entries from each - need to get them out and dust them off!!
Kent and JJ -
As you have discussed, the way to get your lady love to warm up starts long before you get to the act. You both have some really good ideas of your own already for getting started. I think it is even more of a challenge if there are children around, Kent. You are already contributing to a more conducive atmosphere (FWIW since I don't have any children, yet). You fully share in the caretaking and that is a huge deal for the women I know!
Personally - I don't have much difficulty getting into the mood if I have been feeling close to H during the day or during the week. Some specific things that help me...
* little touches from H - sexual, non-sexual * phone calls from H during the day just to say "hi", flirting is good. * H resisting the urge to ogle when an attractive female walks by -this is "my" issue I know, but it has been more important to me lately... Something about needing to feel like "I am enough" for him. * Compliments and sweet thoughts verbalized.
H doesn't do it , but little tokens of affection - My favorite gum/snack, sweet card or little gift of ANY kind would shock and surprise me.
I have also read Light His/Her fire and like the ideas presented in those books for the most part.
* H and I talked about putting strips of paper in a jar with things we would like from each other (some sexual, some not) and drawing from it on a regular basis - Each spouse would use a different color paper for their "wishes".
* here is a link to check out at the Marriage Builders website that addresses this topic in depth. [URL=http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum8/HTML/002391.html]
Lee - I think I will try the passion journal myself - I read an interesting book for women similar to what you are doing in yours.(can't remember the title, sorry)
Every day you experiment with different sensations that are pleasurable (non-sexual first) then progress to exercises where you explore your own body in various ways - focusing on going slowly, to fully experience what each touch is like, some even involve food and other interesting "props" - All by yourself!! Then you write about it in a journal. Later in the book you get your partner involved!!
It sounds like a way of discovering what you really like about your own body and becoming more sensual. I read it at the bookstore one night, but can try to find it if you are interested.
Sorry for hi-jacking the thread for a moment fellas!! You might want to find it for your wives, though!
Have fun everybody!!
B
[This message has been edited by biv_b (edited 06-14-2001).]
If you can't get away for the weekend, you can have shorter encounters. I have had some success with setting the time and date. Say Saturday 11 pm. You set the time and date and then you do have something to look forward to.
Well, Lee, I found another application for your suggestion about the journal. My W suffers from clinical depression, and yesterday was a rather blue day. It was an uncomfortable evening dealing with it, ended up arguing, but called a truce. When we got to bed, I told her that for Father's Day, I'd like for her to write down for me some of her favorite smells, favorite sounds, favorite tastes, favorite things to touch and feel, etc. She asked me why, and I told her I wanted to know more about her, what makes her feel good. I wasn't expecting any answers right then, but she started naming things, all across the board, and she kept going on for about 5 minutes!! The end result was we ended up kicking out her little blue monster, and the rest of the evening went great. Her mood improved vastly, she said many times how much she loves me, and she slept well.
I'll be trying to use some of the things she let me know about to help her through her dark times. I'm thinking that if we can stimulate her senses of touch, smell, taste, and hearing to guide her towards more pleasurable states, her mind will follow. It's just a theory, but it seems to make sense to me. Seems like it'll help even when she isn't depressed. Just think of how the smell of fresh baked bread, cookies, or anything else you like can affect your mood, and make you feel happy. Certain sounds, certain tastes, on and on. Does this make sense to anybody else? It'll be worth a try for me. Will keep you up on the results. Thanks!!!
JJ
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Wow. I was feeling kind of blue myself, and your post made me really smile. You should be very proud of yourself that you love your wife so much to try new things like that. And I'm so glad it helped her mood. I think I'll adopt your new technique too. Gonna go get some popcorn! (one of the things that made it to 5 of my lists.)
Lee - Glad I could help you smile. I do love my W very much, and to be perfectly honest with you, I have some selfish motivations, too. I guess there's a lot of truth to the old saying "when mama ain't happy, ain't no one in the house gonna be happy". I can't fix what's wrong inside of her, the best that I can do is help her get to a place where she can help herself. She can't do this when she gets too deep into the darkness.
When she's going through her depression heavy, I find myself questioning if I want to go through this for the rest of my life, if I have the strength to deal with it. I don't like thinking that way. One of my options would be to run away when she's like this, and coming back when it's passed. I did this in the past which didn't work too well, drove her deeper into it. I could try to take away her pain, "fix" her problems, but that doesn't work, and emotionally drains me. It sometimes helps to just listen to her, however, this doesn't always make the process go any faster. Maybe if we can fill her with small pleasures, there won't be room left for the pain inside, the good feelings will snowball and take over. Kinda like Kent's "anti-body" visualizations. Anything to make life easier and better for her, for me, and for everyone else around us. Still just a theory, but gonna give it a try!
Enjoy your popcorn!!!!
JJ
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Friends, Thanks for all the thoughts and ideas. I probably will try some of those books as well. Some of what you mentioned has and is already done. W responds to some of the efforts some of the time. We do talk about it periodically. We have even discussed the fantasy simulation techniques. Bottom line is as she says "it's just not that important right now". She knows it's important to me and plays the part and I will have to live with that for now.
I really beleive she is still trying to figure out who she wants to be. Not all the time, but much of it. I discussed this in length with our C and I agree with her insight. My W is just not ready to give much more to our R. She needs to go thru her own crucible before she will even understand what is happening. The C agrees with me in that there is not a hell of a lot I can do about it other than remain patient, compassionate, loving and support her in making some changes in her life. I intend to do just that.
I keep my disappointment(minimal) to myself. I seek other things from other relationships within the bounds of my vows. I could never leave my W. This experience has brought me closer to my children and I appreciate that.
The greatest tool I have to date is my use of the pursuer/distancer dynamic. If I play it right, I can use it to bring W closer, much closer. It's alot of work and I don't like using it, but a mans gotta do what a mans gotta do.
There is no magic cure folks. Its gonna be work for the rest of our lives. I can tell that none of us are strangers to hard work. If we were, we would not be here.
In the mean time, I will keep giving back rubs, footrubs and scratches. Scalp massages are another specialty of mine. I won't discuss a few other techniques I use and I may try a few that you all were good enough to share.
Kent - I, too, think that the persuer/distancer dynamic is very powerful, and has also been one of my greatest tools. I catch myself being on the wrong end of it sometimes, and almost have to laugh at myself when I do. Seems like a person can get pretty quick results from it most of the time, and it doesn't always take much distance to get results.
The C agrees with me in that there is not a hell of a lot I can do about it other than remain patient, compassionate, loving and support her in making some changes in her life. I intend to do just that.
Once again, you've helped me put things back into perspective. Thanks for reminding me, bud. I intend to do the same. It's a decision I've made for myself, and for us.
JJ
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Those things if done by my H would definitely get me going! 
You might want to find it for your wives, though! 
