My Autopilot is Broken

[Jamesjohn]

I discovered an interesting phenomenon this past weekend. Over the past few days, I experienced the full range of feelings including resentment, joy, love, anger. While the feelings are normal, the way I reacted to each was different. Different that is to how I would have reacted a year ago.

This , to me, is one of the cool parts about DB'ing. I've ALSO noticed this in me, and my W has, too. Must mean it's working. I still "react" in some of my old ways, at times, but catch myself, and attempt to do things differently.

The resentment is a feeling that I am trying eliminate from my being. Not sure if I will succeed but It does get dealt with rather harshly by my conciousness. Once identified my resentment antibodies attack it with the intent to kill. I still withdraw during this brutal battle, but the time lost is shorter than ever. Our poor dog was exhausted after our 1.5 hour walk.

This is a tough feeling for me, too, at times. I really like your analogy to the antibody thing. I'll have to keep this visual in mind, and see if it'll help me. Maybe the only way to get over the resentment is with time? And these negative feelings being pushed out of the way by more positive feelings coming in? I guess I'm pretty big into the "penance" thing. It's easier for me to forgive and forget about things when people prove they are truly sorry, and make attempts to change. I find some things are hard to just "let go" right now.

Anger like resentment is an undesirable feeling. Unfortunately, it tends to attack swiftly taking your breath away. I find that quick detection is the key. I am working on building several new high speed detection systems in my mind. While W can no longer cause anger in me, the kids certainly can. My goal for the next several months is to master my new detection sytems. I figure this is lagging since the Zoloft I was on was pretty effective at eliminating this feeling.

I think anger can also be a good emotion. Like a physical pain that tells us when something's wrong with our body, I think anger is a pain that tells us when something's wrong with us emotionally. I spent a lot of years suppressing anger, and it never really went away, it just got buried deeper, and gained strength, controlled a lot of my thoughts and actions. I'm finding myself still getting angry, but taking my deep breath, not "reacting" to it, but "acting on it". I'm trying to sort out what's important from what's not, what I can change from what I can't change, and take action from there. I'm better able to confront my W with things I think are a problem, in a kinder and gentler way, and she's appreciating me doing so.

Joy and Love are the feelings I strive for now. The old me would have noticed them and moved on to solve other problems. The new me sits and revels in these feelings to make them last as long as possible.

This sounds like a step on the road to true freedom. I bet your W and everyone else around you can notice it, too!

DBing is truley about personal change. It is about making what is good as lasting as possible and discarding what is bad. Why I had to be 42 before I could begin to understand these concepts is a little disheartening but, I guess better late than never.

It took me WAAAAY too long to learn this. I spent a lot of time trying to manipulate and change other people and situations, before I learned I had to change myself and my actions. Don't feel too bad, we're the same age, so it took me just as long, too. Imagine what we could have done if we had this knowledge years ago! We would be waaaay more awsomer!!

Patience is the key to change. Patience with yourself and patience with others. We can affect change in our spouse and our children but not with authoritarian rule dealt out in anger or unhappiness. Consistant loving guidance is the key.

Amen, brother.