I don't blame you for being bitter - I often felt that my family was at the mercy of whatever Phychiatrist my mother was seeing at the time when she was going through the diagnosis/early treatment phase - shock treatments/ drugs du jour/ tough love for her and for us. I'm amazed that people like you and I would still have any trust at all in the mental health community after all that. (Thank god for level headed folks like Michelle) I was always proud that I didn't let my early experiences make me a "victim" but I must say a lot of my insecurity and mistrust of good stuff has something to do with all that. My H was a very good role model and friend to me back then (like an older brother - before we got together), and thus my attachment is quite deep, too. Don't doubt how good of an influence your love and stability must have on her. Make sure you are taking care of you, too.
I have been reading your thread and I think you are also doing great, don't let the C sessions get you down.
thanks for the encouragement - I'm really happy about how I have been lately, and it was great to get encouragement from Michelle, too- though something wierd has been happening since the weekend that I don't know how to handle yet.
I have been spending a lot of time with a very close friend of mine and H. He is great guy - our intertwined relationships go way back. We have been havnig these great inspiring conversations and I have started to have some feelings for him beyond friendship - totally separate from H. Very disconcerting and unexpected. I sense he might be attracted to me also, but I'm scared to broach it - we both care too much about the consequences to do anything dumb.
And it is having a weird effect on me- I feel scared of losing an attachment to H. I called him the other night "just to reach out" and blurted out to him that there was something going on in my life that I couldn't talk to him about. (BAD)Then I brushed it off because I really don't want to tell him - I don't want to even hint at it in case it affects his "process" right now. It might be my subconscience trying to push him. What I said really scared him though. Yesterday am, he called to tell me he had been worried about it and "thinking the worst" and was there anything I was protecting him from, etc...(this is after a year of separation...I have not dated and he knows this).
I didn't get into it, but I said it was nothing, and I could handle "it", still not saying what "it" is. He got emotional and said he didn't want to lose me and he loves me. He's been a bit freaked ever since (combined with yesterday's horrible news -pretty surreal all in all). He told me again today that he wants to see me soon and do something fun together, and start talking soon, too. I still don't know what I'm gonna hear though, when he talks.
My biggest thing right now is that I don't want to change anything or introduce new stuff into the "mix", because it has been going well. Feel like I narrowly escaped some damage here. But maybe it was good, too??
