Wow. I had no idea what you were dealing with JJ- you are such a strong person to stand your ground in such a difficult situation. Challenge on top of challenge. How old is your Step D? Is she getting any help right now? I grew up with (and currently live with) a Mother who is Borderline and Bipolar. I know that until she was treated properly with medication and care- peace was very difficult in our house. I was lucky to have a strong peace-loving father who stuck out some hard stuff for all of us. Your wife is VERY lucky that you are willing to be such a positive influence in her and her son's life. And I even think it will affect your Step D when she is treated and can appreciate you.
Jenny, thank you for posting, and for your encouraging words, I have been reading your thread, too, and your story is inspirational. Feel free to join in anytime!
Hi Lee! Been rather busy lately, hope you're doing well!
My step-D just turned 15. She WAS getting treatment, part of her re-hab aftercare, but got kicked out for "non-participation" and dirty UA's. She's soon going to enter the legal system, so we'll see where it goes from there.
I can see clearly what Michele talks about finding competent counseling. D was labeled with SOOO many different disorders, and many of the C's came to their conclusions within minutes. I only found 1 that agreed with me on the BPD, not that I have the qualifications of a professional, but I know a little about it and lived with her on a daily basis. Some of the other diagnosises were totally off base. D learned how to play the counseling game, telling people what they wanted to hear, and she fooled many C's, especially the younger, inexperienced, niave ones. Sorry if I sound bitter about this, but I guess I really am. I hope that someday she finds the help she really needs.
I'm sorry to hear about your life growing up. Must have been really tough as a kid, hard enough as an adult. I'm glad your Father was such a strong man to stick around and help you through it. It's definitely a decision and a choice, and tough to put your feelings and emotions aside.
As Michele told you, you're doing absolutely GREAT!! I would keep doing what you're doing until it stops working. Hang in there, my friend!! It sounds like your patience is paying off.
JJ
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I don't blame you for being bitter - I often felt that my family was at the mercy of whatever Phychiatrist my mother was seeing at the time when she was going through the diagnosis/early treatment phase - shock treatments/ drugs du jour/ tough love for her and for us. I'm amazed that people like you and I would still have any trust at all in the mental health community after all that. (Thank god for level headed folks like Michelle) I was always proud that I didn't let my early experiences make me a "victim" but I must say a lot of my insecurity and mistrust of good stuff has something to do with all that. My H was a very good role model and friend to me back then (like an older brother - before we got together), and thus my attachment is quite deep, too. Don't doubt how good of an influence your love and stability must have on her. Make sure you are taking care of you, too.
I have been reading your thread and I think you are also doing great, don't let the C sessions get you down.
thanks for the encouragement - I'm really happy about how I have been lately, and it was great to get encouragement from Michelle, too- though something wierd has been happening since the weekend that I don't know how to handle yet.
I have been spending a lot of time with a very close friend of mine and H. He is great guy - our intertwined relationships go way back. We have been havnig these great inspiring conversations and I have started to have some feelings for him beyond friendship - totally separate from H. Very disconcerting and unexpected. I sense he might be attracted to me also, but I'm scared to broach it - we both care too much about the consequences to do anything dumb.
And it is having a weird effect on me- I feel scared of losing an attachment to H. I called him the other night "just to reach out" and blurted out to him that there was something going on in my life that I couldn't talk to him about. (BAD)Then I brushed it off because I really don't want to tell him - I don't want to even hint at it in case it affects his "process" right now. It might be my subconscience trying to push him. What I said really scared him though. Yesterday am, he called to tell me he had been worried about it and "thinking the worst" and was there anything I was protecting him from, etc...(this is after a year of separation...I have not dated and he knows this).
I didn't get into it, but I said it was nothing, and I could handle "it", still not saying what "it" is. He got emotional and said he didn't want to lose me and he loves me. He's been a bit freaked ever since (combined with yesterday's horrible news -pretty surreal all in all). He told me again today that he wants to see me soon and do something fun together, and start talking soon, too. I still don't know what I'm gonna hear though, when he talks.
My biggest thing right now is that I don't want to change anything or introduce new stuff into the "mix", because it has been going well. Feel like I narrowly escaped some damage here. But maybe it was good, too??
Hey, Lee! You're right, it CAN be a pretty confusing situation. I may be treading in dangerous waters here, but it's a bridge I had to cross myself. I hope I don't get bashed too bad by anyone else here.
There can be some benefits and some drawbacks that could happen when involved in this kind of situation. Definitely not something to be taken very lightly, and, as always, a very personal choice. Not something to be done as a game, it could easily backfire if done for the wrong reasons. Not something to be done if you're feeling vunerable at all.
You have to take a very close look at where your R with your H was, where it is now, and where you want it to be. You also want to take into consideration the possible effects on your friend, and on your friendship. You have to be very honest to both yourself AND your friend about your intentions right up front.
The fear of losing attachment to your spouse is a very different critter. It can be both a sense of freedom, and a sense of sorrow and of loss at the same time. It may help to give a boost to gaining a sense of detachment from your spouse. A lot of different questions may start entering your mind. It may help you strengthen your convictions towards reconciliation, or it may weaken them. It can sometimes help you to see part of life through your WAW's eyes.
If nothing else, it's a great boost to the ego, and kinda exciting to say the least. It may help a person get a closer focus on what they might want from an R, on what they may be missing. It's also very risky. It's the ultimate form of an LRT that you may have absolutely no control over. Beware! You may find you've been chasing dreams concerning your spouse. Or you may start chasing dreams with a friend. Or it may just be a good break from the drama with your H.
I would avoid saying anything to your H about this. It sounds like he can feel it anyway.
I'm anxious to hear what others have to say about this. I hope that nobody takes my perspective of this in a bad light. I am, in no way, suggesting you go one way or the other in this matter.
I may have added a lot more confusion to your situation here. If you'd like to hear some of my personal story on this, you can send me your e-mail address at jamesjohndb@yahoo.com I'll fill you in on some of my experiences on this. Both good and bad .
[This message has been edited by Jamesjohn (edited 09-13-2001).]
JJ
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JJ, I will email you today my address because I would like to hear your experience about this. I can understand what you mean- I was nervous to even post this here because I was afraid of being judged. I assume you mean getting involved in a EA or PA ourselves, here, that is dangerous. And I agree with you. I have no intention of doing that at this time. I am still committed to making my marriage work. This is like an introduction of a concept I have been singularly closed to. Perhaps I need to not be so closed to anything, more confident that I am making my own decisions here. It challenges me to really think. I am not taking anything lightly. The situation with my friend is very interesting – I even wonder if it was my imagination now about the attraction on his part – he does seem to “see” me in a different light and we have gotten closer- we talk about very cool stuff and this really has nothing to do with anyone else. He is a very honorable guy – I think if he does feel anything like that it would be uncomfortable to him because of his values. As it is for me. He has been one of people most supportive of what I am trying to do with H. Because I know him very well, I also very honestly see why he and I could NOT be anything but great friends (contrary to seeing only “stars”). I guess for me it’s a challenge of honesty I have to have with myself to even admit that I am attracted to ANYONE else but H. I don’t feel it diminishes how I feel for H, just distracts me a bit. It has helped me look at H more objectively and what it might have been like at the beginning with OW. I am asking a lot of questions to myself. I may talk to my friend eventually about this, just be honest with him cause this stems from me right now. I am going to think about it some more first. I have gone through some weird feelings this week through this – wanting to feel closer to H but not knowing how to right now. I am more detached, but I don’t want to let it become a bad kind of detached. I wish for more encouragement and support from him, but wouldn’t asking for that be backsliding? I am just going to slow down a bit and keep reminding myself it’s all a process. Patience again. This time, with ME.
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