Hey Lee! YOU GO GIRL!! You're sounding great! I can feel your power and energy pouring through my computer screen!
"I'm really hoping that the surface "good stuff" seaps into the lower layers eventually ???"
That's exactly the theory I'm using, and it seems to be working for me little by little so far. It's another one of those great patience things, though!
Re the picnic: Try not to worry whether or not H is gonna go. Sounds like you've been doing great at work, so go there and reap some of the rewards! Plan on spending time and having fun with some of the friends you work with. If H shows up, well, good for him. If he doesn't, well, his loss. If he does show up, I'd suggest you stay with the plan of hanging out with others, and let your new-found spirit draw him to you. He'll see it as he's watching you with the others.
Maybe there will be some activities there that YOU can share with step-D, the 2 of you having fun together? I know that one of the most meaningful gifts I can give to my W is spending quality time with my step-S. It means a lot to her, and to him, too. Just a thought.
Take stock of the things you're doing right, then keep doing them. Keep up the "shining strong self", and he'll probably be drawn to you like a moth to the flame!
Glad you're doing good, my friend! Keep up the great work!!
JJ
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Thanks for the encouragement. I do feel strong. Being tested some more though
The picnic- H isn't going after all, and I'm gonna go have fun with the "troop mates" I'm looking forward to it.
About StepD - I would love to spend time with her, but the "powers that be" (H, family) I'm not really to be included in her life life since this all happened. It's unfair to me, but he was trying to protect her from confusion. He has said he would help that happen eventually, but I don't bug about it. It's sad, though.
H called yesterday, I was really cheerful, anticipating good news about his creative project (I was really happy for him that he was getting to do it.) It didn't go well, and H hesitated to tell me, but basically his friend that helped him on it is someone I have been closer to (H hasn't spoken to him in a long time) and he treated H coldly. H thinks it is because he is being judged for his treatment of me. He wasn't blaming me at all, he knows I didn't cause this to happen, and his friendships are his own responsibilty. He told me not to carry that burden, but I was so disappointed about it, I cried (I know - bad). I was just so sad.
Then the second thing he told me was that Ex-OW is in town for the weekend. Her Grandmother passed away. He told me that she is NOT staying at our house, and he will be seeing her, but only as a friend. He was supposed to go to dinner with her last night. It was awkward for him to tell me, and a bit of a shock (we talk about her so little) but I handled htis really well, I thnk. I thanked him for giving me a "heads up" - cause I know he didn't have to (and he hasn't done it before). Good thing he did - it's a really small city.
He felt bad for dropping these things on me, and he sent a hug over the phone and said he was thinking really good thoughts about me and would talk to me soon. He really wanted to connect.
So, I'm a little worried that H seeing OW will change their status again. I did not even know for sure what that staus WAS until he told me yesterday - I just don't ask about it. I am trying to let it go though, I can't control it.
I'm trying to see the positives in this and ignore the rest- he reached out, he told me she's here, he realized the friend thing was his own fault and his to fix, He told me not to carry it. and he seems to think of me as a small good thing in his life where a lot isn't good right now. I'm going to keep being a friend and doing the other good things I'm doing. Stay strong.
Hi Lee! Glad you're going to the picnic and having fun. You're doing great, keep up the patience. Your H is feeling the natural consequences of some of his choices, and he needs to work through it on his own. I know it's difficult, but necessary for both him and you. Advice to me from my C………
"Get focused on taking care of you. You need to be OK in order for your partner to get through her stuff".
I'm glad you're not stressing about the ex-ow thing. I seriously doubt that any time they may spend together would be pleasant or comfortable.
Your positives are great, keep them in mind. Keep up the good work, my friend! Have fun this weekend!!
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
Got through the weekend with ex-OW in town. I actually ignored it as best as I can and had a really great time Sunday with some good old friends. I admit, it was in the back of my mind that she was around and I couldn't wait for her to get on that plane...
Was feeling a little resentful and angry on Mon, but I kept it to myself- H contacted me and admitted he wants to "reach out" more often than he does. I was very honest and told him I was trying not to be reactive. He surprised me- he told me that no one in his life has tried harder than I have (and do) to make him happy- and he thanked me for being so loving and patient. It was very sincere and we've been moving closer since that- he's initiating the contact though.
He also told me yesterday kind of spontaneously that despite all we've been through and we're going through- he still loves me. He was really smiley when he said it...
Hey, darlin'! You sound like you're doing great!! Just keep doin' what your doin', and I'm bettin' you'll be fine!
The patience you're showing is a very good thing. My W may have said it best to me once. She was talking about her relationship with her dad, how all the things he said and did as she was growing never really registered in her mind. He was wrong, he was mean, and he hated her / she hated him. Then one day it dawned on her, WHAM, that he was right about a lot of things, and he really did love her. He showed her a lot of love and patience through her times of troubles. Her and her Daddy are very close now, and she loves and respects him immensely. I guess you could consider that a success story.
You can borrow that phrase anytime, honey!!! Keep up the good work!!
JJ
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JJ- You there? Thanks for the story about W and her dad, it was very hopeful!
Patience, patience patience. For a few weeks now, I have been more patient than I knew I could be abouit anything! Keeping thoughts and fears to myself- almost no OR talks. Have ignored the big D word. And overall feeling more calm.
This past weekend, we made a few more baby steps (towards what- I don’t dare ask…).
1.We went out with mutual friends. (H has been afraid of doing this- but it was comfortable and fun for everyone).
2.We had another good passionate night and then he initiated a talk in the morning and opened up more than he has in a while. (I am focusing on the fact that he was TALKING, though what he said was not always easy to hear).
Some stuff H said about ex-OW ('cause I'm really curious how you'd take this): She’s still an ex, but they’re still talking to each other (and when she was here, they were “together” physically– no attachments). That was the worst of it. I wasn’t surprised that it had happened (not thrilled, of course) but I’m glad he didn’t keep it from me- and I didn’t have to ask. She is doing her own soul-searching- is embarrassed about how they got together- that she’s been with a married man. They are both starting to put up boundaries with each other. (They’ve closed certain subjects- his problems and anything about me or OR (his and mine) are now “off limits”). It hurts him, but it has also helped him see me more clearly, and what I have been going through and the efforts I make for him and OR. He wants to “let me in” more. (What does that mean?) and he wants to be more like the man he used to be in general. She is “open” to the fact that when he figures himself out, he might come back to me or move there to be with her. Since I have resigned myself to these possibilities too, I guess it’s no wonder he’s feeling less pressured.
So we’re in a sort of limbo - I guess. He is finally trying to accept that he “just doesn’t know” any more right now. I think this is ok for now, since he was taking us all on his roller coaster with each decision. We didn’t talk about where he stood on the D issue. He said he wants to talk more soon, and I said that’s ok, but no rush- I like the break we’ve been taking from that. It’s been good for me too. I feel the tmie looming though- it'll be a year for us being separated in a few weeks.
I am glad we are having peaceful and "close" times. He even reacts quickly to “fix” when any little thing seems off between us.(which isn't very often, actually). My neurosis for the day (and probably brought on because I am weakened by a cold) is that I don’t know if I am mis-understanding this stuff and he will broadside me with the D word again soon. I wonder if he will get too confortable with the status quo, but why should that be a problem right now - we NEED to catch our breath. I have seen myself play with a kind of self-sabotage, scared to trust when things seem to be going well, because I wonder what "well" means. Can't I just live and let live- enjoy the good? I have always had trouble with this. Yeesh. Is this a defense thing? Or impatience???
Scouring Michele's new book for more insight and answers. The sections on Infidelity and MidLife really struck home. Guees I should come here more often so these posts will get shorter ;D ....
LeeP
[This message has been edited by LeeP (edited 09-06-2001).]
Hi Lee! I'm here, busy day. Glad that story helped. W's hoping that this is what's going to happen with me and the step-D someday. We'll see.
It sounds like you're doing great, still have a good attitude about things. You do sound calm, and that is important. Keep it up!!
See you're over on the book board. Anxious to see what Michele has to say.
Limbo isn't always a bad thing, it IS a nice break. All the ex-ow stuff sounds pretty typical to me. I don't know if I'd change anything you've been doing for just a bit. Do be careful about getting too anxious, when things start getting a little better, it's tempting to try to push it along faster. It's a mistake I've made a few too many times. I would suggest to keep strengthing yourself to DRAW him to you.
I think the night out with mutual friends was a good thing. Gives him a chance to be around you, see how well you're doing, without the risk of OR talks.
As much as it hurts to hear him talk about ow stuff, there can be a lot to be learned from listening. I wouldn't let it drag on too long in any one conversation, though. Have a subject in mind you can use to change the subject quickly. It's nice he's able to talk to you about her, but the stuff about their physical relationship is a bunch of crap. I don't know how much of that I'd want to hear.
I'm curious, too, about what he means by letting you in more. Hear his words, but "listen" to his actions carefully.
Hope you get to feeling better soon!! Take care.
JJ
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I'm curious about what your R with your StepD, you refer to it often, what is the problem? Is it getting better? I'm glad your W is hopeful about that.
******************************************** when things start getting a little better, it's tempting to try to push it along faster. I would suggest to keep strengthing yourself to DRAW him to you. ********************************************
You are sooo right! I have made this mistake too often, also. I DO have to "listen" for the actions.
Yesterday, one of the same friends we were out with on the weekend invited us both to lunch to see another mutual friend who was visiting. I didn't know he'd been invited until he showed up (another surprise move) and he told me that he'd come to see me, not the friend. It's great that he's willing to come out with others around- he's been seeing that side of me. He tells me he's been having a lot of conversations about how "great" I am "doing" and looking with our friends, and they have been telling him the same thing. He compliments me a lot. It's a nice feeling. The changes are really sticking and others do notice.
I appreciate your comments about the OW stuff. Actually, H does not talk about her with me very much - it was brief and it was the most I have heard about her in a long time. There is a level of discomfort for him to talk about her, but even more so- he is respectful for my feelings and asks me a lot if I'm ok or don't want to know etc... I had to let him know that I was curious.
Well, hopefully we'll get replies from Michele on the book board soon, I'm anxious about that too. Have you read the whole book?
My R with the step-D? It totally SUCKS!! Condensed version - The kid's biological Dad's a jerk, W tried to make up for it. W had absolutely no boundaries, I stepped in and "interfered". A lot of "triangulation" going on, I was/am the bad guy. I think she sees me as a threat to her control over her mom. D wound up in rehab for 3 months. She got out, things got worse, I was asked to leave, and gladly did so. A few weeks after I left, D attempted suicide, and ended back in rehab a couple of times. Things went downhill from there, still doing drugs, not going to school, druggie friends coming over, anything that could be sold was stolen. Drug lab found in the garage, and W was charged with it. D's the one that brought om into W's life. I could go on forever, but basically step-D and I hold a lot of resentment against each other. I'm trying to let it go, and concentrate on step-S and W.
One of D's diagnosises was borderline personality disorder. She has an empty soul, loves chaos, and will do whatever she can to create it. It messes with her game to have me, W, and step-S on the same side. When things start going smooth, she goes in a panic mode and tries to disrupt it. Her new thing this last week is to bring up the om in front of me, trying to affect my and W's R. W and I both want her gone, which rips W apart. Sorry if I sound bitter, I'm not blaming everything on her, but she sure don't help matters out any! I often wonder why I want any part of this mess, and if being there really is the best thing for me, and everyone else involved. It IS encouraging to see the positive changes in my step-S, and that's a big part of what's keeping me there now.
Enough of that! It sounds to me like you're doing great! Keep up the good work and patience, my friend. H may be coming around slowly to see how great you really are!! Hope your weekend's wonderful!
[This message has been edited by Jamesjohn (edited 09-07-2001).]
JJ
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Hi Lee & JJ! I hope you don't mind my "dropping ",but I've been following your posts and when James John elaborated on his step daughter, I felt I might be able to add something.
I've worked with Borderlines for years and your description is right on target. This is a very disturbed individual who will need life long therapy and medication. It's unfortunate that she is part of the family dynamic and it is a constant stress.But,as you know we have to deal with the "cards we are dealt".
Our 16 yr old boy is ADD with impulsivity features and he keeps us on our toes constantly. It takes tremendous energy to deal with his behavior, which doesn't leave much for our marital relationship. However,we are pulling together and learning strategies to help our son cope with his disorder.
JJ our son's problems are "minor" compared to what you and your wife have to deal with in step daughter. I hope you are "detaching" from her pathology as much as posssible as she will be creating scenarios that will keep her in the center of everyone's attention. There are treatment programs that deal specifically with borderlines.
You are doing a wonderful job of holding your marriage together in the face of such serious challenges.Make sure you and your wife are taking care of your own needs.
Lee...your H is on his way back to you. Actions speak louder than words. Jenny
with our friends, and they have been telling him the same thing. He compliments me a lot. It's a nice feeling. The changes are really sticking and others do notice. 