JJ- You there? Thanks for the story about W and her dad, it was very hopeful!
Patience, patience patience. For a few weeks now, I have been more patient than I knew I could be abouit anything! Keeping thoughts and fears to myself- almost no OR talks. Have ignored the big D word. And overall feeling more calm.
This past weekend, we made a few more baby steps (towards what- I don’t dare ask…).
1.We went out with mutual friends. (H has been afraid of doing this- but it was comfortable and fun for everyone).
2.We had another good passionate night and then he initiated a talk in the morning and opened up more than he has in a while. (I am focusing on the fact that he was TALKING, though what he said was not always easy to hear).
Some stuff H said about ex-OW ('cause I'm really curious how you'd take this): She’s still an ex, but they’re still talking to each other (and when she was here, they were “together” physically– no attachments). That was the worst of it. I wasn’t surprised that it had happened (not thrilled, of course) but I’m glad he didn’t keep it from me- and I didn’t have to ask. She is doing her own soul-searching- is embarrassed about how they got together- that she’s been with a married man. They are both starting to put up boundaries with each other. (They’ve closed certain subjects- his problems and anything about me or OR (his and mine) are now “off limits”). It hurts him, but it has also helped him see me more clearly, and what I have been going through and the efforts I make for him and OR. He wants to “let me in” more. (What does that mean?) and he wants to be more like the man he used to be in general. She is “open” to the fact that when he figures himself out, he might come back to me or move there to be with her. Since I have resigned myself to these possibilities too, I guess it’s no wonder he’s feeling less pressured.
So we’re in a sort of limbo - I guess. He is finally trying to accept that he “just doesn’t know” any more right now. I think this is ok for now, since he was taking us all on his roller coaster with each decision. We didn’t talk about where he stood on the D issue. He said he wants to talk more soon, and I said that’s ok, but no rush- I like the break we’ve been taking from that. It’s been good for me too. I feel the tmie looming though- it'll be a year for us being separated in a few weeks.
I am glad we are having peaceful and "close" times. He even reacts quickly to “fix” when any little thing seems off between us.(which isn't very often, actually). My neurosis for the day (and probably brought on because I am weakened by a cold) is that I don’t know if I am mis-understanding this stuff and he will broadside me with the D word again soon. I wonder if he will get too confortable with the status quo, but why should that be a problem right now - we NEED to catch our breath. I have seen myself play with a kind of self-sabotage, scared to trust when things seem to be going well, because I wonder what "well" means. Can't I just live and let live- enjoy the good? I have always had trouble with this. Yeesh. Is this a defense thing? Or impatience???
Scouring Michele's new book for more insight and answers. The sections on Infidelity and MidLife really struck home. Guees I should come here more often so these posts will get shorter ;D ....
LeeP
[This message has been edited by LeeP (edited 09-06-2001).]
