Saw H at lunch - today was a milestone day for something between us that I won't go into here. We acknowledged it, I said I was sad, and he changed his lunch plan because he wanted us to spend some time- hugs and chatting, and we did avoided getting into the heavy of it- was mostly nice along the lines of this past week, just a few more heavier moments than lately.
He's been hinting at some problems at work, and I have not bugged about details- and today, he opened up a bit and told me- I guess he was ready to. Wish I could handle ALL the issues this way- being strong enough to wait until HE wants to discuss it.
I am exhausted and so I was weak. I was worrying about the scary D word, and "what is he thinking" etc... at the same time, it seemed he wanted to be there for me, and I told him I appreciated the good going on this last week - told him I felt a nice diffence in him. He reacted emotionally to that, and I think it made him happy that I noticed, but I can't tell. Maybe it was something totally differnent. I'm questioning my ability to be able to mind read properly anymore.
And he asked to kiss me ('cause he wanted to, he said) - and it brought us both back up. Why is that? Am I reading too much into that- do you want to kiss someone you want to divorce? Is he really just slowly backing away? Did it to make me feel better? I don't think so, but ??
When he says one day that he loves me, and the next that he "cares for me a lot still", I get depressed cause I feel him letting me go, whether that is what is happening or not. I know I should be ignoring what he says, and watching the actions (Sunday night they sure seemed to point that he has a lot of romantic feeling for me). I'm not so much worried about his rollercoaster anymore as much as what is he thinking about me or OR? What makes him miss me? Feel like wanting to be with me? (Not going to ask him.) Wish he'd tell me what he's thinking about.
I know I'm just venting, but I needed it. Pretty drained from work and I'm sure that's wreaking some havoc here too.
So my report card? Anyone? I'm doing more of what works, with some little backslides. think it's ok, but gotta watch that.
