Thanks for your reply, now I am just very lost. I don't know if I should retreat or charge, if I stay away from H he would probably think I want out. Calling him will make him more frustrated and sad...I am just lost. I and H, we really have alot of problems and it needs alot of work and effort to make it work. For now, I just have to be patient and let him decide what he wants.
Monchichi, you haven't posted anything yet on what you are doing to change. For you to have a good marriage, your H is going to have to be persuaded that you are worthy of trust and respect. What are you doing to become a more trustworthy person, and one who has high moral standards for her life?
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
I don't understand ... you were asking just two hours ago how you should act with respect to your H. Did you decide to give up in the last two hours?
The fact that he wants a divorce right now is not a valid reason for you to avoid changing yourself ... quite the opposite, in fact. If you want him to reconsider the divorce, you need to change who you are as a person and become someone who is trustworthy and deserving of respect. If you aren't willing to work on yourself, then your marriage truly is doomed.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
RBinBR is right. You need to do some serious soul searching and start to make changes. You need to figure out for you the person you want to be. You need to sit down and really think about why these affairs happened and the reasoning behind them. That may take some time. You realize when you say that your H wouldn't spend time with you, so you found someone else to spend time with, you are blaming your H for your affair. This took me a while to figure that out. I would say these things to my H as well. The fact is we made our choices, we made the mistakes, and now we have to face the consequences.
You have stated there are seriuos problems in your M, well I would start looking at each of them and determine how you want to change you so that they don't happen again. Work on your communication skills (get a C or take some courses), think of the person you would like to be, the qualities you know that are inside you and work on them to bring them out.
Your M may be over, true. I know you seem lost and confused. It is a scary place to be. My H constantly flip flops on getting a D. One day he seems happy and wants to stay, the next he hates my guts and wants a D.
Your H will probably say some very hurtful things if and when you start talking. Don't get angry or defensive. Listen and validate his feelings. This will be hard, but it does work.
Don't give up unless you do not want your M. Change and work on yourself and you will feel better. I speak from experience.
Ok, I will take the harder approach because I think it's needed here monchichi.
You need to stop playing this role. YOU chose to have not one, but two affairs. YOU chose to put yourself in this position. It's funny, but I think I was treating you more as a LBS than a WAS before. I AM NOT JUDGING YOU now, I am just trying to get you to understand where you could be thinking differently.
You say you are lost and confused. I get that but you need to stop acting like these things, these affairs, just happened to an otherwise devoted wife. You may have acted out of desperation, weakness, strength or a combination of those and a hundred other feelings. The fact is that you ACTED on something within you that gave you the power and stength to violate the trust of your H and cheat on him. That is NO small act of will, and what we are asking of you now is that you use the SAME act of will to understand that you need to start taking ACTION.
You need to start understanding that there is no magic potion that will fix this and the only real thing you can do is to start BEING the woman you want to be. If you know that the cheating was wrong, than work to become a woman who would communicate with her H more effectivly to let him know her needs and concerns before taking such drastic action. Do that by learning how to communicate. Read, post, understand more about yourself so that in the event that he decides NOT to D from you, you are in a position to facilitate reconciliation. If you do not do these things, and nothing changes except that H backs off of the D, then you may likely have 3rd affair because you will not have addressed the underlying issues in your marriage that led you to this point.
I DO think you have a chance to save your M but you really have to want it. Read DB or DR and by all means, please see a therapist (if you are not already). IT WILL HELP.
Sorry to be so harsh, but I really think you are stronger than you give yourself credit for. Tap into that strength and fight with all you have to BE the woman who won't give up. Fight to BE the woman that with H or not, is proud of herself.
HI grasshopper...thanks for everything. I just feel really lousy and helpless. H wants a D and he dont want any counselling but out. I can't force him and I know have to set him free. I have told him these few days what we lack in the marriage, the problems we have and what we can do to make it work....he just want a D.
I will just wait patiently for him to recover...till the day he find another women I will just wait for his recovery. This is the only thing I can do now.
Another week has passed, after all that had happened I know H is the only man i love and trust. I sms him everyday to tell him how i feel, to give me another chance but he only responded to message if related to housing matters and to ask me to move on.
I have so much faith that M can be reconcile but at times I have no strength to go further when all his reply was he wants to move on.
Since H found out about the A, we have not met face to face to talk only one phone call the rest was messages. Do you think I should go home to talk to him as I am afraid he will be upset by seeing me now.
The feeling of helplessness is really bad, I read this forum everyday to keep my spirits high to continue to work on my M. I read about how many obstacles were encountered, I will be strong to seek his forgiveness one day.
You need to be patient. I know, I know, I am one to talk. Have either of you filed for the D? There is still hope. It has taken me several months to accept what has happened in my marraige and it still seems like a horrible nighmare at times. Have you had a chance to talk to your H? Is he interesed at all? When the bomb drops it just takes time to get your head screwed on straight and thinking more clearly. His pain in tremendous and he needs time to deal with this problem and get his mind around what happened. Right now if he shows any intrest just be loving and totally honest with him. Don't be pushy.
Married 11 years, together 15
Two Daughters 6 and 2
D-day Jan.14 2006
Thread 1
Thank you HO, i know what i can do now is only to be patient and heal my pain and emotional flaws.
H told me he has seen the draft of the papers so now I am just waiting for it. H is very firm about D, his reply is always to ask me to move on and not wait for him.
We had alot of misunderstanding, after he discover the A...i called my mil to tell her the situation, hoping she can give him some support as my H doesn't open to people. My intention was to make sure he is with good hands like my mil, he said i hurt his mum by telling her the A. A BIG MISUNDERSTANDING...I am very close to his mum thats why I can confess to her my mistakes and also hope she can take care of him during my absence...
So HO you think I should just leave him alone for now? So confused as to how I should treat him...2 days ago I went home to collect my letters as usual he will be out when I am home...bought food and packed his clothes and home...hope these are some little things i can do for him now.
Thank goodness there is World Cup now to take away his pain!
