I think JJ offered you the best advice possible at this point in your H's drama. Read that post a couple more times and really think about it. The key concepts are:
Hi guys. I am making a pretty good weekend. Taking lots of time for me. I need it- things at work have been insane on top of stuff with H, I've been burning the candle every which way.
JJ: ********************************************* He will do better if you are up, strong, happy, and don't feed his depression. Learn a few new jokes that you can tell him, maybe just to change the subject of you need to. ********************************************* This is a lot like some of the baby step goals I had for this situation (things we weren't doing much) before the events of last week:
1. He would contact me more - call on the weekend (more often). Maybe even want to see me, maybe even if he had his daughter with him. 2. We would be able to do something like sit and enjoy the stars and succeed at NOT talking OR- just enjoy each other. 3. I would not dwell on the future, but let good things happen (with him and other parts of my life). 4. He would let good things happen, too.
All of these happened this weekend. Friday night, actually. He called as I was leaving some friends and on my way home. He asked me to stop for a minute on my way home. (which was unexpected) I kept with my plan and we acknowledged that we've left things hanging and he's really down, but then both said we did not want to go there, just to enjoy each other for a few minutes. And it worked! Some hugs, and before I left he asked if it was out of line to kiss me.
Strange. I do not want to overanalyze this. I do wonder though, Why now? He said he just wanted to "be in my space" for a while, and had been thinking of me and wanting to call a lot. We both smiled a lot. He mentioned taking baby steps, and I was thinking- towards what? Has he changed his mind from last week? Is he reaching out for comfort? Or is he trying to make us OK with what he said he wanted? I have acknowledged these thoughts, and I am putting them away now. I am not going to dwell on it, because it was just NICE.
Plan for this week- keep doing these little different things:
Let him do the reaching, keep it light, and stay strong (less worrying). Guys - Slap me if I get out of line
I feel pretty good. I have stayed dim (meaning I am not calling or emailing him at all, and keeping it light- letting him do the reaching) And he IS reaching, there seems to be a differnece in him and neither of us know why. (Not that we talked OR ) But it's nice, and I'm really ok with not questioning him about it right now. Is this truly detached? Have I reached it? The extent of OR has been that we both acknowledge he's confused and giving mixed signals- but he's also speaking a lot with actions- called lat night twice- first to say goodnight then 2nd time to say he missed me a lot and ask me to go spend the night. He's smiling a lot, being romantic and complimenting me a lot.
And JJ- I am really keeping it light and trying to tell jokes, but I'm not great at it. The attempt makes us both laugh, though... Got any?
Why don't alligators eat clowns? Because they TASTE funny!!
Even if the jokes are stupid, it feels good to laugh. Especially together. My W has commented on how she loves the way I make her laugh. And how she loves to hear ME laugh. At this point in ALL of our lives, there's a whole bunch of serious crap going on. It's nice to escape it for just a bit, not take life so cereal!
There can be a tendency for people to associate how they feel with who they're with at the time. Wouldn't it be nice for our spouses to think of happiness and laughter and light-hearted, good feelings when they think of us? Instead of the "oh, God, it's time to be serious, I have to make a decision, keep my guard up, be on my best behaviour,...." type of feelings.
Just a theory of mine, but seems to be a "more of what works" for me.
Maybe some night, take him out, don't tell him where you're going, and end up at a comedy club?
Maybe there's a difference in him because there's a difference in you?
Your plan sounds great! You sound good, you sound calmer and more relaxed. Seems like YOU are doing something that's working. Be patient, and don't change anything for awhile. Keep up the good work, my friend!!
[This message has been edited by Jamesjohn (edited 08-13-2001).]
JJ
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Saw H at lunch - today was a milestone day for something between us that I won't go into here. We acknowledged it, I said I was sad, and he changed his lunch plan because he wanted us to spend some time- hugs and chatting, and we did avoided getting into the heavy of it- was mostly nice along the lines of this past week, just a few more heavier moments than lately.
He's been hinting at some problems at work, and I have not bugged about details- and today, he opened up a bit and told me- I guess he was ready to. Wish I could handle ALL the issues this way- being strong enough to wait until HE wants to discuss it.
I am exhausted and so I was weak. I was worrying about the scary D word, and "what is he thinking" etc... at the same time, it seemed he wanted to be there for me, and I told him I appreciated the good going on this last week - told him I felt a nice diffence in him. He reacted emotionally to that, and I think it made him happy that I noticed, but I can't tell. Maybe it was something totally differnent. I'm questioning my ability to be able to mind read properly anymore.
And he asked to kiss me ('cause he wanted to, he said) - and it brought us both back up. Why is that? Am I reading too much into that- do you want to kiss someone you want to divorce? Is he really just slowly backing away? Did it to make me feel better? I don't think so, but ??
When he says one day that he loves me, and the next that he "cares for me a lot still", I get depressed cause I feel him letting me go, whether that is what is happening or not. I know I should be ignoring what he says, and watching the actions (Sunday night they sure seemed to point that he has a lot of romantic feeling for me). I'm not so much worried about his rollercoaster anymore as much as what is he thinking about me or OR? What makes him miss me? Feel like wanting to be with me? (Not going to ask him.) Wish he'd tell me what he's thinking about.
I know I'm just venting, but I needed it. Pretty drained from work and I'm sure that's wreaking some havoc here too.
So my report card? Anyone? I'm doing more of what works, with some little backslides. think it's ok, but gotta watch that.
I lost my cool on Friday which had more to do with being in a low energy than anything happening with H. Was really dumb, started to open a can of worms (I almost started us on the OR talk about the D bomb H dropped a few weeks back) The worms started crawling out, spent the rest of the weekend persuading them to get back in there. Tricky little critters. Good thing was H realized the extenuating circumstances, and we agreed to "ignore it", and we did recover ok - we temporarily fell into the pursuit/distancer mode (guess who did which??) It levelled off though.
The extent of the conversation about D - H reminded me that we haven't gone back there yet, and he says he is still working on himself and exploring his feelings, though he did not say he was confused or taking it back, either. Not terribly reassuring, but I'll take it. He still initiates hugs and kisses. We got on like a house on fire yesterday (physically speaking). That is one thing we seems to connect through. He's more reluctant to talk, though. I worry sometimes if that will ever come back, I wonder if he is emotionally numb. Our conversations lately have been a lot more light and friendly (mostly) and I think this is a good sign. I'm really hoping that the surface "good stuff" seaps into the lower layers eventually ???
Other good news was that I really got MYSELF back up. I realize that you guys here (JJ and Kent) probably don't read the Oprah magazine but you should really read the new issue - it's all about SUCCESS. How to define it for yourself, and overcome self-limiting thoughts. It really inspired me!
H and I have been dark since Sunday- we left things on a good note (a hot and heavy one J) and then he went off to work on a creative project (which will hopefully help his mood) and I have been concentrating on work. It’s been really intense at work but I have been coming through and it’s giving me strength. My confidence, mood and energy have been really up and I feel other people reacting to it J
And so a bit of a challenge to that- the dark with H will probably end today or tomorrow- there are a few social events – tomorrow a lunch for a good friend of ours and then Saturday is the Company Picnic (we both work for the same company). He tends to skip this stuff lately, but I don’t think he will these. I don’t know. He has his daughter Saturday, who is fairly young and I haven’t seen her very often since the separation (11 months). I don’t relish the idea that they will be there, too and we won’t be there together. Sad. Should I go? I am worried a little about whether it will be weird for StepD – but I saw her very briefly a few weeks ago, and it went ok for all of us. If she sees H and I ok around each other, I think she’ll be ok. Maybe I can keep things light and just say hello to her and show her I still care (not pushy) and just see how it goes.
If I can keep my energy (be my current shining strong self J) I think it would be good for us. The StepD stuff is mostly H’s issue to deal with, but I still care- I think of them as my family (even though H doesn’t always act this way). I’d like this to be a simple, good thing for us all. What do you guys think? Any suggestions? Should I skip the whole thing?
