W31, OM 20 (actually now 21!) Part III

[RBinBR]

In church last night, I got a real peace about filing for divorce. It's just time. The A is now a year old, and it shows no signs of ending. Everyone has their point, and I knew that mine was coming. There is a real peace, but also a fresh wave of pain. God has too many good things ahead for me for this to hold me back any longer.

[believing_isaiah43]

Oh, honey, I am so so sorry. I cannot imagine this fresh wave of pain as you go thru the actual process. If you are sure, then you are sure. I am just sad for you, but you are a wonderful person and remember that God has a plan for you, one for GOOD and not evil (I keep reminding myself too)
Keep letting us know what's going on, I'll have to kill you if you leave the boards.

[PositivelyListening]

((((((((RB)))))))))
I just wanted you to know I am here, and am sending you love and blessings at this time. I understand. I know these next steps on the road will not be easy either. You must follow your innner guidance. I trust you are sure this is your inner guidance, and not just human impatience? Timing (right timing for you) is important in order to feel complete. Of course even your human needs must be listened to at a certain point - we are all human after all

Have you decided how you are going to proceed? Talk w/ W first, interview lawyers, file on your own? Just want to encourage you to remain solution focused and not to let the emotions take over, because this will be hard too. I am sorry. I know you are sad. You are an amazing human being, a wonderful father, and you have been a great husband and will be that again someday under different circumstances. I trust that your way is being revealed, and that all is for good.

It might be good to acknowledge in writing what you have learned and all you have done to grow yourself during this past year. It has been a painful year, a long haul, but there are many many successes and rewards that I have seen for you. It has been my privilege to be included on your journey thus far. I send you my hugs and prayers, and one for your litle D too.

[RBinBR]

Actually, PL, I believe it is divine guidance. It's time for me to set W free. She can't file (because of the covenant marriage), and she has previously said that I was "holding her hostage," and I really don't want to keep her married against her will. I actually think the chances are decent that she will repent during the divorce process. Since we have a covenant marriage, she will have to go to counseling with me, and I really think that now is the best time.

I already have a lawyer, and I'm going to pursue the collaborative process (now legal in a number of states). A collaborative divorce is a special process where we meet with lawyers and a mediator judge, and even D4 gets appointed someone to look out for her interests. It's a much better alternative to a trial, because everything usually gets worked out, and then the divorce is presented to a court and granted. It prevents nasty testifying in a public forum, it's more likely to result in reconciliation, and it's also considerably less expensive. I feel sure that W will prefer it.

I'm going to talk to W later this week, in a very loving, upbeat way.

And, no, BI, I'm not leaving these boards.

[PositivelyListening]

Hi RB,

All of this sounds VERY good. I went to a lawyer today too, who explained to me the difference between being remorseful (which my H is) and repenting (which H has not). I am going to be proceeding with a time line and consequences, forward moving process also. I will post more of that a bit later on my own thread. Of course in CA, we have no such thing as a covenant marriage, but I guess in my case it wouldn't have made a difference anyway since my H has not wanted to end the M quickly. I, however, as you, want a whole and healthy marriage. I am excited for you. I think you are right, there is a good possibility your W will repent rather than lose you - especially with OM far away and you looking better than ever with job, apartment, etc. Let alone your impeccable character and commitment and values. I will be with you every step of the way. I am proud of you, RB. You are awesome.

[RBinBR]

Awww ... you're really a little excessive PL.

I think you are right, there is a good possibility your W will repent rather than lose you - especially with OM far away and you looking better than ever with job, apartment, etc. Let alone your impeccable character and commitment and values.

I think that a number of things will work toward that.

• First of all, the "thrill of the forbidden" will be removed from the OM. He now becomes the guy that she's ending her marriage for ... and I think those expectations will likely crush her R with him.
• It will produce a fresh and stronger wave of angst from her family and friends.
• It will likely shock W ... I think that she thought I would "hold out" for another year or so.
• She will have to go to counseling with me as a condition of our divorce.
• W does not have the money for this ... she can just barely pay her rent right now and was already talking about getting a second job.
• Finally, I know that she loves and admires me.

So, yes, I think there are very good odds that she will change, but that is no longer my goal. My goals are firmly focused on my own life and that of my D4.

[grasshopper]

May you have peace my friend, truly. I support you in whatever you decide to do. You HAVE put in the time and if it's time to do something else, then so be it.

GH

[RBinBR]

I believe that my sitch is unique in that I have the power to file for divorce in my marriage, but my wife does not (due to the unique Louisiana Covenant Marriage that we have [let me know if you're new to my sitch and want more info]).

Over the past several weeks, my Sunday School class has been discussing the Biblical role of husband and wife in marriage, and we were studying Ephesians 5 (which I have read many times, of course). All of a sudden it hit me ... I need to "be Christ" in our marriage. Of course, I've read In His Steps and I've asked "what would Jesus do," but always in the context of "what would Jesus do if he were me?" But he's not me!

I realized that Christ lets us sin. He told Judas at the Last Supper, "What you do, do quickly." He gives us the free will to sin. When the Israelites told the prophet Samuel that they wanted a king, God told them that they were sinning and would regret it, but then he said, "OK, I'll give you a king."

It would be wrong of me to continue to hold my W in this marriage against her will. I told her all this this morning and told her that she could have the divorce she wanted. A big part of me thought that she would say that she didn't want it, but that's not what she said at all.

She said that, if we were to have anything together in the future, she didn't see how it could be in the context of this marriage, and she thought ending it was best.

W was very tearful, saying that I don't know the torment that she's gone through, and how much it kills her every time she looks at D4's face. She didn't understand how I could be so calm about it, and I told her that it's because I'm following God's will for my life and I know that he will bless me as a result.

Anyway, we talked for an hour and a lot more was said, so I'll have to post more later. I do feel very good though. It went really well.

[RBinBR]

Some more things that were said earlier today (not necessarily in order):

W: I can see how much you've changed. You're really a good person.
Me: Not "good", just focused on following Christ.
W: Why can't I? Why do I have to be so screwed up?

W: How can you be so calm. Not to upset you, but with OM, I can see the passion in his face ... you I can't read like that.

Anyway, W told me that she is going to get some individual counseling from the guy who was very briefly our MC "to see if he can straighten me out." The fact that I'm willing to let her go seems to already be kicking in the desire to stay. She was very lovey-dovey this evening when picking D4 up. She really didn't seem to want to leave. I'm pleased with how things have gone.

[PositivelyListening]

That is great progress RB, a happy post. It is wonderful that your W is going to go to individual C. I am sure it will benefit her and your sitch. She may even be able to figure out why she has such low self esteem and therefore why she believes and acts out that she doesn't deserve you. I think you are doing everything just right, RB. I am sure your calm demeanor and your loving (but firm) approach is making a big difference right now. I hope the D thing will proceed slowly enough that your W will be able to have an epiphany before it is too late.