W31, OM 20 (actually now 21!) Part III

[PositivelyListening]

Hi RB, Wow, you are really a trooper. Your D4 being so sick reminded me of the days when I was a single parent, had the little one sick at home, and was in my first job after such a long period of unemployment that I ended up on welfare for a few months. Back on my feet, new job, and then... So it really reminded me of how important it is to have family and a community of support - it's not even healthy to try to do it all alone. IMHO, the universe (God) is intervening on your behalf to make sure you reach for others (including W) every once in a while. I think it is VERY good that W came over and helped your situation, since my bet is you are the competent one most of the time. I am encouraged to see your W's current "confusion" also. She cuddles with you on the couch, lingers with you, wants to spend more time with you. OM's stuff is around, but she's reading that book. I can totally picture her muddled mind, trying to figure out what to do now. I think all that is good for your sitch, RB.

Meanwhile you are amazing. Cuddling on the couch, up with a little one who is very ill and who you love so much, and then hit the next morning with a double size class that wasn't ready. And I'll bet you did just fine. You are amazing.

I am rooting for you, RB. You are so solid, working this in a healthy way. A champion.

This may be a slight off-tangent from early DB techniques, but personally I don't think it hurts to let them know every once in a while how you feel, especially this late in the sitch. If OM's stuff is a turn-off for you, perhaps at an appropriate point, you will be able to say in a calm tone, "Because we are still married, and because I still have feelings for you, it is a turn-off for me to be here with OM's stuff all around." My H seems to know this instinctively, and when he knows I am coming to his shop, he has been cleaning up lately. And he saw me turn around and look at the calendar on the wall (which I sensed that OW gave to him - somehow I can sense these things about inanimate objects) and when I stared at it, he got that bad boy smile he gets sometimes when he feels guilty and walked out of the room. So what I am trying to say is, I don't think it hurts at all for them to have some awareness of your feelings as long as you're not hysterical about it. Making your feelings known can allow your W to begin to think about your feelings before you come over next time (which would be a good thing). And if she doesn't think about your feelings after you have said something, well that is information too.

Just my two cents.