W31, OM 20 (actually now 21!) Part III

[RBinBR]

Hmm. It wasn't "worth" $40 as a book to me, but it did have several good ideas that were valuable. The first 50 pages or so are all about finding out if you're really with the right woman, and then he repeats himself on almost everything, so the "116 pages" are a little inflated. Send me an email at [e-mail] and I'll email you part of it and let you see for yourself.

[RBinBR]

Well, I've been dark on W for over a week now. I haven't seen her, and there has been only 1 one-minute phone call related to exchanging D4 and W indicated that she tried to text me on that one.

I have to admit that I'm surprised. Around her parents, W has seemed cheerful. They think OM's leaving has taken a load off her back. While she did renew her hints to the in-laws that she really would like to see my apartment, she is obviously quite comfortable not talking to me.

I don't know how I feel about this. I expected her to be doing a little pursuing of me right now, for friendship if nothing else. The last thing I expected was for her to go dark on me the same time I was going dark on her. I feel sure that she's doing it to avoid a R talk, because she doesn't yet know what she's going to do.

The good news in all this is that I never told her I was going dark, so I can end this any time I please. If this continues for a couple of weeks, I may invite her over ... we'll see.

[grasshopper]

RB,

This just reinforces the idea that I think needs to be said around here every once in awhile that while there ARE many universals, each sitch and person is different. While our WAS's MAY react in the "normal" way Michelle and other's suggest they will when we use certain "tactics" like going dark, it's possible that they will not, just like it's possible that not every marriage will be saved.

I think that's why it's important to make sure no matter what, we are true to our own hearts and minds. I think it's important to make decisions based on ALL the factors of our sitches and what we read/hear from other's.

Even though I don't like the idea of constantly trying new things, as I think the technique suggests, I DO like the idea of the Cheesless Tunnel when describing the abandonment of something if it seems to be having an adverse effect, first on you and then on the sitch.

Of course, the real trick is deciding WHEN to stop doing something. Does she just need more time to miss you or does she think you stopped trying, somehow stopped loving her? It's REALLY hard RB, and I know you know that. I also know that you'll make the right decision because you usually do.

Trust your instincts. I think they have been steering your right for some time now and it's ok to listen to them again.

I'm thinking about you and hope you maintain through this time.

GH

[RBinBR]

Thanks, GH.

Of course, the real trick is deciding WHEN to stop doing something. Does she just need more time to miss you or does she think you stopped trying, somehow stopped loving her? It's REALLY hard RB, and I know you know that. I also know that you'll make the right decision because you usually do.

The funny thing is that this isn't nearly as big a deal to me as it was even a month ago. I'm happy with my new job and apartment, and my life is much more manageable now that W is keeping D4 three nights a week. I've been given a lot of good furniture by family and friends, and it's fantastic having a pool and workout room only 15 yards away.

It's not that I don't care (because I do -- I'm still in love with my W), but I'm very detached right now, and I'll sometimes find myself thinking about the cute girl across the hall or the pretty single mom living above me. I'm not doing anything about those thoughts right now, but moving here pretty much ended my open-ended commitment to a sham marriage.

The point, though, is that I'm now going to do what I think is best, without worrying too much about what W thinks about it, and I haven't decided whether I want to have her over here in the context of the sitch, though I still think not. I think I'm going to just wait and see how things go over the next few weeks.

[SuitedUp]

"The good news in all this is that I never told her I was going dark, so I can end this any time I please. If this continues for a couple of weeks, I may invite her over ... we'll see. "

You words don't seem to echo any strength or resolve. While you are using going dark as a 'tactic' so that your ego can be stroked by the pursuit of the infidel, you may as well crawl to her on your knees and beg for forgiveness for all that you have done wrong. Not that that's going to get you anywhere I'm sure you know that but please, what you have planned and executed so well is a strategy and not a tactic.

You see, you need to go dark FOR YOU. You are the one that needs to grow up RIGHT NOW. Sure, your W has some growing to do but you are the one that needs to make the start.

While you allow yourself to see, think about, consider reconcilliation etc etc with your W, it's these thoughts that are keeping you both attached and stuck.

Going dark is something that YOU need to do for YOURSELF. How long do you need to do this for? For however long it takes for you to wake up to yourself and understand what it is that you deserve out of life.

Not that long ago, you had reached a point where you were realizing that you wanted more children, you wanted a motherly type as your life partner etc. A description that doesn't seem to fit the adulterer that you are currently pining away for.

You need to get back to where you left this realization at. You need to built on it because you are at such a critical junction in your life. It can go either way.

While your daughter can't go dark, there are creative ways that you can allow her to spend time with her mom. You don't need to be part of that other than thinking up the creative part to avoid your W.

Say you've been dark for a month and you cave and haven't grow sufficiently in your emotions....than you are back to square one. A month of time down the drain.

Just remember, going dark is FOR YOU because YOU HAVE TO DO IT if you want to escape the emotional hell that you are living in.

Suit

[RBinBR]

Suited, thanks so much for writing. I don't agree with everything you said, but it was helpful. You are correct that going dark is primarily something for myself. I think it's good for her as well, but I am starting a new life now, and I am going to enjoy it, no matter what my W does.

That said, fate intervened and W actually spent last night here at the apartment. To put the sequence into motion:

Yesterday afternoon, I found out that the guidance office at my school had made a mistake and put 41 students into my 1st period class. Unfortunately, they will not be able to fix the problem until Monday. My room only had 26 desks in it, and there was no way to fit 41 in the way it was, so I had to completely reconfigure the room, moving my desk, the kids desks, going to another building to bring more desks to my room, etc. It took me hours that I needed to spend on my lesson plans and preparing for the first day of class, and I was already short on sleep.

I therefore asked my MIL if she could keep D4 for the night. I would take D4 to eat with me at church and I would drop off D4 so that I could get my stuff done.

D4 then proved to be very sick, and I had to go home first anyway. Some of you may not remember my previous discussion of my D4's medical issues, but she gets severe asthma-like symptoms whenever she gets congested. Anyway, I knew that it was going to be a long night of giving D4 breathing treatments, cough medicine, etc. ... and I had to be back at the school very early in the morning because my room was still a mess!

So I reluctantly called W to see if she would take her for the night, and she promised to come and get her after her appointment. D4 was throwing up and was very sick when W got here, and there was a severe thunderstorm just starting, so W thought it would be bad to try to move her 20 miles (and I agreed), so W spent the night on the couch.

Anyway, W really liked the apartment, and we did some of the ol' snuggling and tickling stuff. Between W being here and D4, I got almost no sleep before leaving at 6 am to go to school (which still went OK -- I'll write more about school later).

All in all, I'm pleased. Remember that living with W's parents was one of the biggest problems that contributed to the start of the A. Last night provided an alternative vision for W -- a future that she might truly enjoy -- putting D4 to bed together and watching a movie while snuggling on the couch in a comfortable and attractive home. W (like most women, call me sexist if you want) is less moved by logic and more by experiences and feelings. Experiencing a night here could ultimately be the thing to make her choose a different lifestyle.

As of today, though, I'm dark again. What happened was basically unavoidable, but I think it only makes it more important for me to be dark now.

[RBinBR]

Well, D4 was still too sick to go to school today, so I went to W's apartment to pick her up right after I got out of school. OM's stuff was still everywhere -- even his shampoo and cologne still on the bathroom counter.

On a positive note, though, I saw Beth Moore's book When Godly People Do Ungodly Things on the kitchen counter. W had started on this book when she tried to break it off with OM back in April. The fact that she's reading it again certainly indicates that she is struggling with her sitch. I find that very encouraging.

W tried to get me to stay and visit for a while (guess she doesn't quite get that OM's stuff is a turnoff for me), and she was starting to hint that maybe the 3 of us should do something together, when she got a call from a client and I took the opportunity to leave with D4.

[PositivelyListening]

Hi RB, Wow, you are really a trooper. Your D4 being so sick reminded me of the days when I was a single parent, had the little one sick at home, and was in my first job after such a long period of unemployment that I ended up on welfare for a few months. Back on my feet, new job, and then... So it really reminded me of how important it is to have family and a community of support - it's not even healthy to try to do it all alone. IMHO, the universe (God) is intervening on your behalf to make sure you reach for others (including W) every once in a while. I think it is VERY good that W came over and helped your situation, since my bet is you are the competent one most of the time. I am encouraged to see your W's current "confusion" also. She cuddles with you on the couch, lingers with you, wants to spend more time with you. OM's stuff is around, but she's reading that book. I can totally picture her muddled mind, trying to figure out what to do now. I think all that is good for your sitch, RB.

Meanwhile you are amazing. Cuddling on the couch, up with a little one who is very ill and who you love so much, and then hit the next morning with a double size class that wasn't ready. And I'll bet you did just fine. You are amazing.

I am rooting for you, RB. You are so solid, working this in a healthy way. A champion.

This may be a slight off-tangent from early DB techniques, but personally I don't think it hurts to let them know every once in a while how you feel, especially this late in the sitch. If OM's stuff is a turn-off for you, perhaps at an appropriate point, you will be able to say in a calm tone, "Because we are still married, and because I still have feelings for you, it is a turn-off for me to be here with OM's stuff all around." My H seems to know this instinctively, and when he knows I am coming to his shop, he has been cleaning up lately. And he saw me turn around and look at the calendar on the wall (which I sensed that OW gave to him - somehow I can sense these things about inanimate objects) and when I stared at it, he got that bad boy smile he gets sometimes when he feels guilty and walked out of the room. So what I am trying to say is, I don't think it hurts at all for them to have some awareness of your feelings as long as you're not hysterical about it. Making your feelings known can allow your W to begin to think about your feelings before you come over next time (which would be a good thing). And if she doesn't think about your feelings after you have said something, well that is information too.

Just my two cents.

[RBinBR]

Thanks, PL. Part of me wanted to hold back on the cuddling, because I know that I've come across as very needy with that in the past. So, I made her give me a massage before I massaged her feet (the old me wouldn't even let her give me a massage when she wanted to, because I just wanted to take care of her). I also started to get up to leave the couch a couple of times and let her pull me back down or moan for me to stay.

[PositivelyListening]

Moaning for you to stay... now I am really envious.... I am quite sure you areon the right track, RB. You just keep her pulling you back