W31, OM 20 (actually now 21!) Part III

[grasshopper]

RB, I am more and more convinced that DB, or the bastardized, half-understood, opinion-infused version of it (and I mean that in the nicest way possible, lol) we talk about on this board is, at it's roots, all about personal choice and learning to exercise that choice. All the other crap about GAL, detachment, "as if" and cheese-less tunnels leads back to the simple fact that so many of us either lost the ability to make a rational decision when the bombs fell, or LONG before that. We forgot how to think for ourselves and make decisions based on what WE want and not some codependent view of the world, and in turn, lost our ability to have compassion and empathy for our spouses.

So, I do NOT think your decisions are "anti-DB" at all because they are PRO-RB, which I think is the point of DB. DB is a tool to allow us to get our freaking lives back and what we do with our lives once we finally own them is up to us.

I know I used to get SO frustrated at OT when she would praise me for things I was SURE were "bad" and chastise me for things I was sure were "good". It wasn't until VERY recently I realized why that was. I never "got" that her criteria was mainly that I actually made a CHOICE and didn't simply react to something or emote without thinking.

I realized that the essence of this experience is in learning how to BE me and thus, anything I do from this point forward, in relation to my W or me, so long as it's true to my inner-vision of who I am, is ok, and more than that, a perfect demonstration of DB at work.

RB, you do what you think is best for you and with any luck at all, she'll follow suit... that is, doing what is best for YOU, lol.

Seriously, your position seems to be the one best suited to allow BOTH of you to find out more about who you are and finally DECIDE to be together.

GH

[RBinBR]

your position seems to be the one best suited to allow BOTH of you to find out more about who you are and finally DECIDE to be together.

Thanks, GH. I think that the point of her trying to make sure that we can be "friends" is that she is going to "need" me when OM is gone. Even if we could rebuild a marriage from that standpoint, it would still be based on her emotional need, rather than on love for me. Her "needing" me only makes the R about her selfish desires (which is what took her down the road she is on). I want a marriage built on love, not need, and I'm willing to wait for her to fix herself before we work on fixing the M. I'm also willing to take the chance that my marriage will end as a result of this, as I refuse to accept the old way.

Only 6 days until I move!

[RBinBR]

Well, I'm pumped. I'm about to start moving into my own apartment. I've gathered a decent collection of furniture from family and friends. I am, however, going to have to be very frugal until I get my first paycheck from the school system August 25. I'm broke and my credit cards are almost maxed. It's been very difficult making it through the summer with what amounted to a part-time, low-wage job (my summer institute training).

As bad as my financial condition is, I think my W is in much worse shape. I wonder if she's going to be able to make her rent payment at the beginning of the month. I may have to think about protecting myself financially if her condition gets much worse.

I haven't seen much of her lately, which I suppose is a good sign in a pathetic way. It means that she's spending all the time she can with OM before he leaves on Tuesday. We've already planned for her to start keeping D4 on Tue/Thu/Sun nights.

I've been to a couple of seminars the last two weeks that have me truly fired up about teaching. My first day (inservice, not with the kids) is August 7, a week from Monday.

My plan is still not to let W into the apartment and to go almost completely dark on Tuesday. I may have some limited phone contact with her, but that's all.

I'm starting a new life. If she wants to join me in it ... that's great, but she needs to start a new life too ... and that means leaving the past completely behind.

[PositivelyListening]

Hi RB,

Just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you, and wishing you wonderful and happy times in your new place. I understand wanting to keep W on the outside until she is healthy enough to belong on the inside. You are in a really good place right now. I am quite sure that your sitch is on a continuing upward trend, because you are. I am very proud of you and what you have accomplished in such a short time. Your D is lucky to have you. Many blessings for the both of you in your new home!

P.S. Do something fun together in there right away! Like eating ice cream out of the carton with two spoons after a good day carrying boxes. Love to you both

[RBinBR]

Thanks, PL

I am quite sure that your sitch is on a continuing upward trend, because you are.

Then you are definitely more sure than me, if by "positive" we mean the odds of a reconciliation with my W. D4 and I didn't end up spending the night in my new place, because I didn't have enough stuff moved yet. W was here for several hours last night. She wanted my help with a financial decision dealing with her car situation. I was alternately very friendly and distant, as I really don't want to spent any time with her anymore, but I'm trying not to upset her before OM is supposed to leave on Tuesday.

[RBinBR]

W called me OM's name today. That was really fun (NOT).

I still have more stuff to move tomorrow, but I got a great bed today for D4 from a friend ... really cool.

[believing_isaiah43]

Shee-it, that is awful. What did you do? what did SHE do? YUCK.

Looking forward to your going dark soon, and how that will be good for YOU.

[RBinBR]

I just ignored it. We both pretended it didn't happen and continued our conversation. It did turn my stomach, though.

Looking forward to your going dark soon

Not as much as I am! Tuesday!

[RBinBR]

Well, OM is gone. That is a relief. Not really in terms of my R with W, but just in the sense that W can now have D4 over 3 nights a week and I don't have to be a full-time single parent anymore.

According to MIL, W seemed relaxed and almost relieved when W picked up D4 on Tuesday. SIL did say that OM tried to call her 3 times while she was there. For now, W will keep D4 on Tue, Thu, and Sun nights.

D4 has been in her new school for 3 days now and seems happy, so that's good. She had a great time swimming in our pool yesterday, and the in-laws just bought her some adorable new furniture for her new room here.

I haven't really had a convo with W since OM left, so she hasn't yet realized that I've gone dark on her, lol. I think that she hasn't called me because she still doesn't know what she wants, and she probably thinks that I would ask her if she's ready to come back now that OM is gone.

Anyway, I'm off to start organizing my classroom. I'll let everyone know if anything happens.

[PArob]

Hey RB,

Sounds like you have a handle on these things, hopefully with OM out of the picture for a bit, your W will be able to take a step back and re-evaluate life in general.

I do have a general question for you...I've noticed that in the past, you have pointed people to the how to be attractive to women website and I take it you've ordered the book. Can you tell me whether its been particularly helpful to you, or is it just another pitch....I'd like to know that I'm getting something for my $40

Take care and post often.....

Rob