I agree with what GH said. RB -- you deserve a pat on the back for your fortitude. I'm not sure many of us could do it. I think you're doing the right thing and any woman should be happy to have you in her life. I think your W sees this, too. I hope she comes to her senses soon.
GH, it's funny that you said what you did, because I was just second-guessing my decision and thinking maybe I should have put her on the couch. She was talking last night about what I good friend I've been, both in the marriage and now ... but I don't want to be her friend; I want to be her lover and husband.
I don't know if I can do this too much longer. I know that I can't do it forever. That's why I'm thinking about going completely dark once I have my new apartment, whether OM is gone or not.
My wife is SO hot right now. I mean, she is in better shape now than she's ever been since I've known her. Sleeping next to her, without ML, is a sweet torture to be sure.
I'm thinking that I'll jokingly thank her for being so honorable with me last night ... that it must have been difficult sleeping next to such a hot guy and not taking advantage of him.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
Quote: My wife is SO hot right now. I mean, she is in better shape now than she's ever been since I've known her. Sleeping next to her, without ML, is a sweet torture to be sure.
Been there for about 9 months now and know how you feel for sure. I don't think I want to do this much longer either.
Stay strong and just remember, whether you are being nice, a good friend, or whatever, if you D, you will not be sleeping with her anyway. Just do what YOU need to do to remain faithful to who you are and what YOU want to do.
Quote: I'm thinking that I'll jokingly thank her for being so honorable with me last night ... that it must have been difficult sleeping next to such a hot guy and not taking advantage of him.
Definitely! Tongue in cheek can be a good thing.
I don't know what else to say. You're definitely doing things right, RB!
Enjoy your *break* from school! Do something fun with your beautiful little daughter. Go shopping for her new room. And yours! Because you know, next time your W calls you in the middle of the night, you may very well have that "privacy" she spoke of.
Quote: Stay strong and just remember, whether you are being nice, a good friend, or whatever, if you D, you will not be sleeping with her anyway.
Don't worry -- D is not an option I'm considering right now.
What I am considering is going completely dark when I move into my new apartment in 18 days. We'll see what happens between now and then, but I know that day is going to be a turning point in my sitch.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
I spent a lot of the afternoon with W. We went to my new apartment and she oohed and aahed over it -- really gratifying stuff. She even jokingly said maybe I should go ahead and get a 3-bedroom so that she could move in. She said, "I'm going to be spending a LOT of time visiting you and D4 here."
At lunch, she also opened up about her sitch without any prompting from me. OM is leaving August 1st, and (after 9 weeks of basic training) will be doing his AIT (4 months) in North Carolina. Needless to say, I'm glad to know when he is going, and I'm also glad that he will be doing his AIT training 14 hours away, which will definitely limit the time he'd be able to visit when he gets leave.
She also mentioned that he's promised to send her his first two paychecks from the army. OM also needs to get a car, though, since he's including his present vehicle in his bankruptcy filing. W volunteered that she doesn't know what's going to happen between them, so I may have been wrong about there being an "understanding" between them.
W also indicated that she can't wait to have D4 start spending the night once OM is gone, and we discussed a Tue/Thu/Sun schedule for that.
Finally, we checked out where I want to send D4 to school this fall. W wasn't exactly thrilled, but she did seem content and generally comfortable with the place. I told her that I remain open for suggestions if she has any.
All in all, a fantastic day. I feel like I'll be starting a new life at the end of this month. In the space of a week, I'm moving into an apartment, starting my new teaching job, and the OM is leaving town .. can't wait!
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
I'm more and more convinced that I'm going to go dark when I move into my apartment on July 27. I may wait until the OM leaves on August 1, but I'm feeling more and more comfortable with cutting off just about all contact.
The main reason is that I don't want to be the shoulder that she cries on as she misses OM and grieves for him. I tried that once before, and it didn't help. My being her "friend" that way doesn't help reestablish her attraction toward me. My sitch is like few here in that my W has almost no anger toward me. I really think that some separation might help her miss me, as she's said "RB, I can't lose your friendship; it's something that I really have to have in my life."
For me, it's a step of freedom, and it's a redefining of my sitch on my own terms. I just can't see starting a new life and bringing my sitch into it in its current form ... it would defeat the purpose. It's about the life that I want, and not the life I'm willing to settle for.
I really don't see much of a downside. The main reason for most LBS's NOT to go dark is that it can push the WAS further into the arms of the OP ... but that won't be able to happen for 9 weeks at that point, because the army won't let OM leave basic training. What do I have to lose?
My plan is to say something along the lines of:
"W, I'm so excited about the new life that I'm starting right now. I'm really looking forward to a fresh start. I want you to be a part of that fresh start, and I'd love for you to make a fresh start with me, but that can only take place if you're willing to work on a marriage with me, because I love you too much to continue to be "just friends." Your smile completely lights me up inside, and holding you in my arms is the closest thing I know to Heaven, but a relationship of occasional smiles and hugs ultimately isn't satisfying. So, I'm going to ask that you give me space to have my own life and refrain from contacting me unless you need to discuss D4. Or, if you decide that you want to be my wife, let me know."
Thoughts?
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
Quote: "W, I'm so excited about the new life that I'm starting right now. I'm really looking forward to a fresh start. I want you to be a part of that fresh start, and I'd love for you to make a fresh start with me, but that can only take place if you're willing to work on a marriage with me, because I love you too much to continue to be "just friends." Your smile completely lights me up inside, and holding you in my arms is the closest thing I know to Heaven, but a relationship of occasional smiles and hugs ultimately isn't satisfying. So, I'm going to ask that you give me space to have my own life and refrain from contacting me unless you need to discuss D4. Or, if you decide that you want to be my wife, let me know."
When read through the filter of...
Quote: My sitch is like few here in that my W has almost no anger toward me. I really think that some separation might help her miss me, as she's said "RB, I can't lose your friendship; it's something that I really have to have in my life."
and I think you may be on to something here. It seems like she won't be motivated by ANGER to pursue him, and the sitch will prevent that anyway so maybe your idea is the right one. I give you kudos for being strong enough to take that step should you choose to do so.
Thanks, GH. I don't know why, but something tells me that W might actually be waiting for me to take a stand. We've seen it before, and I think she may want me as soon as she is afraid that she can't have me anymore.
In any case, I'm fully prepared to walk away from the R at that point. In the meantime, though, I'm going to DB like a son-of-a-gun. I'm going to subtly flirt with her, tease her, admire her, and compliment her. I'm going to do my best to spend time with her and give her the little massages and tickles that she likes so much (though my ability to spend time with her depends entirely on her).
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
W was at the wedding of OM's dad over the weekend, and she was very depressed when I saw her Tuesday (she cried when sitting next to me and holding D4). I wonder if watching them pledge their lives to each other shook her up. She was also very upset that her boss was "punishing" her for taking 3 days off for the wedding (Fri, Sat and Mon) by not giving her any leads for the week (she is really in bad financial shape right now).
Today, she was even more introspective. We ate lunch with D4 and then put D4 down for a nap. I was softly tickling her on the couch when the following convo occurred: W: "I shouldn't be doing this." Me: "OK" (I got up with a grin) W: "No, I didn't mean for you to stop" (which is what I knew she would say). W: (after a little more cuddling) "Why are you so nice to me? Me: "well, I care about you." W: (a little later) "Promise me that we'll always be friends, no matter what." Me: "I don't know what's going to happen. Let's just take each day as it comes." W: "What's going to happen with us?" Me: "well, I guess that's up to you, isn't it? W: "No, I really don't think that it is. I think it's up to God." At that moment, her phone rang with her boss on the line, so that's where everything ended. I think that what my W meant was that her heart is with the OM, but she is going to try to reconcile with me after he goes to basic training, because she knows that she needs to do what's right.
I'm just not sure that's something I'm going to be satisfied with. I'm still thinking that I really want to tell her to get over the OM first and then we can work on our marriage. I can't see my starting a new life and bringing the OM into it ... he has to be out of the picture. I know that this isn't DB, but I can't see taking her to bed while knowing that she's really thinking about OM and wishing I were him. (OK, OK, I can see taking her to bed, but not in the sense of everyday life, if that makes sense.) I've been looking forward to this time for months now as a pivotal moment.
So, I still plan to keep her out of my new apartment and out of my life unless she completely removes the OM from hers. Again, I know this is not DB, but IT IS what I want. I want there to be no contact, I want her phone number and email changed so that OM can't contact her, and I want her to get rid of all his stuff. I think she needs to spend some time fixing herself before we work on fixing the marriage.
Please feel free to tell me that I'm being stupid about this.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
but not in the sense of everyday life, if that makes sense.) I've been looking forward to this time for months now as a pivotal moment.