RB, not that it matters, but the OM is an idiot (or very immature)if he actually believes your W is committed. I know if I were in his shoes that every time she talks to you would put doubt in my mind and no I have never been the OM.
Like the others have stated, he is not the problem anyway, so no use thinking about it. It does take one obstacle out of your way of working on things with your W though.
"Our life is what our thoughts make it."
Marcus Aurelius
I know the OM is not "the problem," but his leaving HAS to be part of "the solution."
OM may or may not believe that she is committed. I am confident, though, that he believes that he will be able to keep her attached to him for the next two years through phone calls, letters, email, and visits when he gets leave. He believes that she absolutely cannot resist him or really live without him ... after all, she's tried to get rid of him several times (to do "the right thing") and she has never really been able to do it. When she sent him away from a week and a half two months ago, he was constantly on the phone, telling her that she couldn't live without him.
Understanding the sitch helps me plan. I'm really glad to be disabused of my thinking that W might be ready to work on a reconciliation as soon as OM leaves. I'm very excited about getting my own apartment and being able to woo my W without my in-laws around (as wonderful as they have been).
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
It seems to me that your W can get by on a minimum. Minimum time with D4, minimum time with you, minimum time with her family etc. She's a damn minamalist.
What I think this means, is by her seeing you, even if it it only for a brief period or a few minutes a week, is enough for her to get by on.
That could mean that she doesn't get to miss you and has no reason to get her head out of the ass because she know you are there...taking care of business.
I'm not sure dude but it could be that your need to spend time/see her isn't working for you in the way that you want it to work.
By you remaining in her twisted reality, it's possbile that you could be prolonging it which would be tough because you've been through so much BS, what from stepping foot in the love nest to seeing mixed underwear in the dirty clothes hamper. For that, I stand and salute you because that would be a show stopper for me because I understand that is not what I deserve.
What I'm saying here is perhaps YOU are driving too much contact and a 180 to that would be to go totally black on her. That's what I'd do if I were you. Not only for the sitch but for your own mental health.
Anyways RB, you're spending too much energy thinking up what could and what may not be happening. It's pure speculation at it's finest. I know the temptation to look for 2 and 2 so you can put them together but at the end of the day, do you really want to understand her silly, twisted world. There's hardly anything worthwhile such an insight would provide.
Suit
"It's better to have no spouse than have a bad spouse"
Quote: What I'm saying here is perhaps YOU are driving too much contact and a 180 to that would be to go totally black on her. That's what I'd do if I were you. Not only for the sitch but for your own mental health.
I went very dark before and got good results in terms of my PMA and in terms of making her interested again. It was extremely hard to do, however, while living at her parents' house. With my own apartment (about 25 minutes away from her to boot), I won't have to worry about what to do if she's coming over, etc. The place I want is going to be available at the end of the month. When I move in, it will be time for a major reevaluation of my sitch and time to come up with a new plan.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
At my invitation, W went with D4 and I down to New Orleans to the Aquarium of the Americas today. It just reopened last month, and it was great to see it restored and as great as it was before Katrina killed most of the fish.
D4 had a wonderful time, and that was great, but it seemed that W and I don't have much to talk about anymore. Her whole life centers around OM, and we don't talk about him or things they do together, so that doesn't seem to leave a lot left. W said she had a good time, though, and there were some fun moments.
There were also several trips down memory lane, as we spent our wedding night in the Wyndham Canal Place immediately next to the aquarium, and we remembered seeing a lot of the Caribbean fish from our honeymoon or from our cruise in 2003 ... definitely bittersweet.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
Doing my long and comprehensive review of Emily's sitch has really opened my eyes toward some things in my own sitch. I'll post on those tomorrow if I have time.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
<but it seemed that W and I don't have much to talk about anymore.>
I wouldnt let that in itself bother you. kind of hard to act like old pals after what has happened. its going to take time to get the old flow, conversation wise, back in gear.
Well, I'm pumped to have signed a lease on an apartment to move on July 27 (for those of you new to my sitch ... I'm currently living with my in-laws). W likes the place, which is obviously good if I want her to move in with me. It's also only 6 minutes from the school where I'll be teaching.
Extremely encouraging comment about that from W today: "I can't wait for you to have your own place so that I can visit you and D4 while having a little privacy." (Needless to say, I can't wait either.)
I finish my teaching internship on Thursday and will have some spare time until I need to report for my new position on August 1.
I also found out today that OM's dad is getting married this weekend. That explains why OM is still here and hasn't yet gone to basic training. I know that the wedding was originally planned for early June, but I guess something pushed it back. W is going to be gone for 4 days this weekend there. I guess we'll soon see whether OM is really going or not.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
W called at 2:30 am and asked if she could come over, and of course I said yes. She'd had an argument with OM and couldn't sleep. She said OM has a problem with insomnia and when he does, he keeps her awake.
Anyway, the snuggling and cuddling were very nice, but oh do I want her ... and ultimately, the snuggling isn't satisfying. My sitch is on a roll, though, and I intend to keep it rolling.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
You ARE the uber-DBer right now. I wish all the people struggling with their DB efforts would take a hard look at your sitch.
This guy's wife was WITH THE OM and even complaining aboout him. WTH many of us would have said but instead of focusing on that, he was focused on the task at hand...saving his marriage. When she called, he COULD have just gone off on her, unable to get past the anger of her being with "him" OR he could do what he chose to do, which is show TRUE unconditional love. He "allowed" her to come home, demonstrated his love for her and let his actions speak volumes for him.
Is he enabling her? Yep, he sure is. He is enabling her to find her OWN way back to their marriage by BEING the better man, taking the high road and doing it all because it's the right thing to do for HIM and it's staying true to HIS character no matter what she does.
RB, what you are doing now is such a good example to many of us who get caught up in the things we cannot control so much that we fail to do the right things.
