W31, OM 20 (actually now 21!) Part III

[RBinBR]

Spent some time with W today. She and I were going to pick D up early from school for lunch, but she was pressed for time and it ended up being during D's naptime at school, so we just made it a lunch date for the two of us. She then asked me to go with her on an appointment 45 minutes away to keep her company. I said sure.

We had very good interactions together. One of the things that I got from David Cunningham was that using humor can be a big key to reigniting attraction, so I've been reading some joke books, and I cracked a couple at appropriate times today that went over well. It only makes sense to try to use humor to make your spouse enjoy the time you spend together.

I told her that she owes me a massage and a haircut (since she complained about the last one I got and she used to cut my hair). This is another thing that Cunningham suggests that I think makes sense with DB -- don't let your wife get you to do too many things for her without asking for something back. So we'll see if those things happen this weekend.

I did something else this week that was good ... asking her opinion about some art that I'm buying for my classroom. Since I'm going to be teaching math, I'm getting some geometric art that I think is really cool. Anyway, from the very many prints available from this artist on art.com, I narrowed it down to 12 and had W pick 3 for me to buy. Before, I didn't really value her opinion, so this is another thing (like the clothes shopping) where I can demonstrate that I respect her.

Back to today ... W infuriated me by randomly saying that, though she doesn't spend much time with D, it's quality time and she really plays with D, and her parents hardly ever played with her at all (implying that she's still a better parent than my in-laws were to her). I really wanted to jump back with one of several replies to this, but I quickly dismissed all of them and just smiled. It isn't my job to tell her that she's a bad mother for seeing her daughter 3 hours a week. She must know this at some level and was obviously engaging in a little self-justification.

The other thing that she said was that she may move out of her apartment in October when her lease runs out and move in with her grandmother and uncle. That's actually pretty ridiculous, as her uncle is a total slob and their house is swarming with roaches (and my W has a special scream that she reserves for roaches, lol). I guess this was her way of telling me that she is still expecting OM to leave soon. Speaking of which, she continues to display even more army stuff. She had a U.S. Army coffee mug ("an army of one") in her car, and she wrote with a U.S. Army ballpoint pen. I've previously mentioned the U.S. Army keychain. They obviously give you a lot of stuff when you enlist, but I wonder what this stuff means to her. Does it represent her love for OM and support for him and his career choice? Or does it represent her satisfaction with the fact that he is leaving? Or maybe both at the same time?

[RBinBR]

Well, W called at 3:30 and said she was coming over. D4 and I waited three hours for her, and we tried to call her twice with no answer. So at 6:40, we went to the movies. W called while we were in the theater, upset that we had left without her!

In our conversation when the movie was over and I got back home, I told her that I didn't appreciate her standing us up and that D4 was very disappointed that she didn't get to see her mommy. W then proceeded to get angry with me for "laying a guilt trip" on her.

It's just pathetic. W hasn't even seen her daughter since Wednesday.

[PositivelyListening]

Hi RB, Just checking in on you. I know it is sometimes hard not to be really angry when the kids are involved. I have found compassion, only by realizing that my H is doing the best he can regarding others, based on what he knows. I realized this week for the first time that my H (handsome and charming as he is) is actually "socially challenged" in that groups are very awkward for him, he worries about "what to say" and thinks people don't listen to him, and biggest of all he truly has very few long term relationships (or at least not close long term relationships). Anyway, with his S12 it really has been hard for me to watch. But I realized that H is trying, wants it, but doesn't know how. So being a great role model as a father is the best thing you can do for your W and your D4. And one of these days, your D4 is going to educate her too. So be compassionate, because that is coming for your W someday if she doesn't get it together, and it won't be pretty. Your D is lucky to have you, and she will be able to get married someday (if she wants to) by choosing a great H like her daddy. She may have some issues trusting her girlfriends though, so make sure she has some good female role models around too (like grandma?)

Anyway, just wanted you to know I was thinking of you, and your new job, and the great job you are doing DBing. I am so impressed with you, and your progress. Keep it up!

[RBinBR]

PL, thanks for writing. I am not angry with W right now. I have generally been compassionate throughout this ordeal, but I'm not going to ignore boundaries just for the sake of getting along. She didn't want to talk to me earlier in the week, and she's had late appointments the last few days, which would prevent us doing anything anyway. We are having an extended family dinner out tonight, though.

Today, I found a new school for D4 and a new apartment for us. I don't know how W will react to my choosing D4's school without her, but I can't see how she will have any objection to the school other than the fact that it's a little further away from her apartment than D4's current school.

I'm excited to be moving out of my in-laws' place. This should definitely smooth the wheels between W and me, because she was clearly uncomfortable spending any time with me here. Of course, I really needed to move anyway. A just-passed teacher pay raise here makes it possible to move now.

[always_14]

Bravo to you! Keep up the great work, you've been through so much, yet still managed to really make your life shine for yourself. That's wonderful.

[RBinBR]

Thanks, Always, for brightening my evening.

The in-laws took us (and SIL) tonight to Parrain's, a popular Cajun restaurant here in Baton Rouge, and we all had a good time. I asked W if she wanted to help me shop for an apartment, and she enthusiastically agreed, so I guess she isn't mad at me anymore.

She repeated her bizarre plan to move in with her grandmother's roaches in October when the lease on her apartment is up, but I want to make sure that the apartment I get now is a place that she ultimately feels comfortable moving into, and there's no better way to do that than to have her shop with me and give her opinion on various apartments. This also has the added benefit of showing her again that I value and respect her opinion (something I didn't do pre-bomb).

SIL is going to have lunch with W this coming week, which is good because SIL really hasn't wanted to have much contact with W since the A started. SIL is going to try to find out when or if OM is leaving. SIL told me this week that W had actually tried to set her up with OM before the A started, with W talking about what a great guy he was, etc. ... interesting.

[RBinBR]

I just had an epiphany. I've finally figured out why OM (who is still clearly obsessed with W) is willing to leave to join the army. I'll bet anything that he enlisted with the 2-years of active duty option. I now feel sure that he and W have an understanding that she will wait the remaining 18 months to get her divorce, and he will be out of the active duty army with good job prospects a few months later, and then they can get married.

That explains a number of things. It explains why OM is willing to leave. It explains why W has introduced D4 to OM (they have now met several times) in spite of the fact that OM is about to leave for two years. It explains why W hasn't talked to me about our sitch, because she "knows" the ridicule that I (or her parents for that matter) would heap on such an idea. She probably doesn't truly believe that she and OM would make it that long, but she probably feels that she "owes" him the chance.

Ironically, my sitch may benefit from the big fight that I had with W a month ago when I told her that I might file for D, that I didn't think she was a Christian, and that I didn't want to have more children with her because she wasn't a good mother. W was very hurt by that conversation, and it may have given OM the confidence to enlist, thinking that there is no way that W and I would ever reconcile.

This is all speculation, of course, but it aligns with previous statements of W's and it makes sense. It's somewhat disappointing, because I had been hoping that W planned to reconcile when OM is gone, but it's also good to have a grasp of what's going on so that I know how to act.

[superstressed]

Bad RBinBR. Bad.

You don't know any of this to be fact. From what you've posted your W has been drifting from the om for some time and has been looking for an easy out. Besides, two years is an awfully long time to wait for someone when that R is not built on a solid foundation. A lot can happen in two weeks or two months let alone two years.

Also, do not forget that the om is not the reason for your problems. If he was suddenly gone that would not instantly make your M problems go away.

Besides, how much can she really be interested in him if he's about to be gone for two years and she is still spending time with you?

Sorry for being harsh.


SuperStressed

[PositivelyListening]

Hi RB, You are reminding me about how much damage those little wheels turning in our head can do. Listen to SS. You don't know anything right now, except that W is going apartment hunting with you and D4. How fun! You have no idea what will happen in the future. One day at a time. Maybe W will fall madly in love with you in the future, maybe she will want to stay "friends", maybe whatever. And OM does not matter. You do! And D-4. Focus on that. What special thing are you going to do for your self today?

[RBinBR]

SS and PL,

Thanks to both of you for writing. I think I must have misrepresented my attitude, though. The turning wheels have done no damage. I do not think that my W is committed to marrying OM. If she were sure that's what she wanted, she wouldn't be sending out the feelers that she has to me, and she would have indicated a desire for a divorce, which she hasn't done since January.

What I do feel certain of is that OM feels sure about her commitment. He thinks her love for him is unshakeable. He believed her in the beginning when she told him that the only reason she married me was to please her parents ... that she never really loved me. He thinks, "How else could somebody so wonderful like her do something that so deeply violates her own moral code?"

He's leaving to make something of himself so that he can be worthy of her. With the job skills, maturity, and experience of 2 years of active duty military service, he would have the ability to get and keep a good job.

If I could get inside W's head, I would guess that she is feeling a combination of a number of things, not all of them at the same time:

• I'm going to miss OM
• I'm glad that he's leaving me so that I can have some peace ... he's so needy and it's driving me nuts.
• OM's joining the army will be good for him and help him mature
• I'll have some space and time to clear my head and figure out what I want
• I can probably still patch things up with my H if I decide that's what I want
• I'll be able to spend a lot more time now with D4
• My R with my parents and sister will improve now that OM isn't living with me
• No longer living with OM and having sex with him will allow me to repair my relationship with God

In any case, I like my chances of ending up in a happy M with my W.

OM has badly "misunderestimated" W's love for me. OM does not understand the spiritual aspect of W's heart and the grief that breaking up her family has caused her. He is not able to see how I have changed and the effect this is having on W. He does not know how my career change and moving into my own apartment will improve W's respect and warmth toward me. He cannot comprehend D4's influence on the likelihood of a reconciliation. He's can't foresee the self-evaluation that W is likely to undergo. He doesn't anticipate her coming lonliness and the natural attachment back to me that will result.

do not forget that the om is not the reason for your problems. If he was suddenly gone that would not instantly make your M problems go away.

No, but his leaving will give me more of an opportunity to work on them.

Besides, two years is an awfully long time to wait for someone when that R is not built on a solid foundation. A lot can happen in two weeks or two months let alone two years.

Don't I know it ... especially for two people who have scarecely spent two waking hours without talking. If I had to predict, I'll bet that OM breaks it off with W after he's been at basic training for several weeks. He's going to instantly get tired of sending his paychecks to her to repay what he owes her, for one thing; and I bet he meets some cute girl recruit before too long. I've seen and heard enough of his behavior to know that he's too needy to wait two years for love. His emotional issues will find an attachment.

What special thing are you going to do for your self today?

Went shopping for that apartment I'll be getting. I may have found a good place. I'm excited. In-laws are BBQ'ing this evening, and W is coming over.

Maybe W will fall madly in love with you in the future

I think so!