Wow, RB, that is quite amazing news. Just a few short months ago, you hadn't seen your mother and weren't sure if it would happen in the future, and now you have seen your mom again. I am really pleased for you. I know this relationship has been filled with a lot of emotion and some dysfunction. I see the steps today as reinforcement of the healing that has been taking place over the years. I am happy for your D but even happier for you, and I know this will open up forgiveness in many realms related to women in your life. Keep up the good work. It is an immense privilege to witness your story, as you grow and become.
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
W asked if she could go to church with D4 and me on Wednesday, and of course the answer was yes. That took guts for her, because she knows that there are people at our church who know what she's done and is doing. She had D4 over that night, as I think she left OM in Florida for a week with his mom. She was over here and watched a movie with me last night (her idea) and we snuggled a lot -- definitely romantic -- and she ended up spending the night in the spare bedroom.
I asked her on a date for this weekend, and she said that she really would like to go but she has to be out of town again and won't be back until Tuesday -- "not by choice," she said. I'm thinking that OM is spending a little time with his mom because he won't be seeing her in a while, and W is going to be picking him up and taking him whereever he needs to be to report for duty.
I still don't understand how OM is going to do this. He has been so emotionally needy that I can't imagine how he can make the decision to leave W. He tried to call her 8 times last night while she was here and also left 3 texts (very light snooping -- I didn't read the texts or listen to the messages, just glanced at the phone early this morning). Do you remember the time I took my W to the ER, and OM tried to call her 14 times in just over two hours? How is this kid going to cope with the withdrawal?
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
Well, my W has (I believe) left to take OM to report for duty. I told her to be safe driving tonight, and she said she wasn't driving there, she was just providing the transportation. She also told her sister and cousin today that she would have a lot more time soon and would like to do things with them.
What this means for my sitch is unclear. I don't know for sure whether or not this means the end of the A. OM will still be able to call her at times, still be able to email her, and he will eventually get leave, so she could still carry on a long-distance R with OM.
On the other hand, the army might give OM a sense of honor, and he might leave W alone after this. Basic training is now co-ed (except for barracks), so he also might meet a cute girl and start to forget about W.
I've been thinking that W has wanted to end the A for some time but has been "unable" to muscle up the willpower. I'm hoping that she will now be ready to end it completely and work on a reconciliation with me, but I don't know for sure if that will happen. It will be interesting to see what develops after she gets back Tuesday evening.
I do know that I'm not going to force an R talk. We'll just take things as they come.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
Hi RB, You are handling this all so well. I am very hopeful that OM's entrance into the military will be just the "break" you need. The quality of your time with W has been steadily improving, and I do think your W going to church with you is a very good thing. Do make sure to look out for her there, if there are judgemental folks around, but it is s good sign that she is venturing out with you, and to church especially now. I am very hopeful for you in your sitch. Mostly this is because I am seeing who you are being - a very strong, caring, loving person - a rock of stability for both your D and your W. They are lucky to have you.
I know it remains to be seen what level of addiction your W continues to have related to the A, or if it is just caretaking on her part until she can pass him along. I would venture to guess that she sees that her R with OM is unhealthy at least, and it seems that she is trying to make healthier choices, so that is good. You have provided such a blessing by leaving the path open to her for your M. Imagine the tragedy if it was not so. Keep up the good work. And take very good care of yourself right now. Your new job situation is such a great change, too. As always, I am rooting for you.
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
PL, thanks for writing. I'm actually a little nervous right now, because I don't know what's going to happen.
I want to believe that W has desired to end the A (I know that she used to) and this is something that she's been looking forward to as a means of accomplishing what her own willpower could not. I want to believe that she will now be ready to work on our marriage. I want to believe that this is the critical turning point that I've been praying for ...
I'm going to want to lose my patience and my distance when she comes back. I hope that I don't. I need to continue to take things slowly and work to build attraction in her. I need to be true to myself and my commitments, and I need to work at being the best father and husband that I can.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
One thing I have learned, or really realized more over the past couple days, is that people can rely on certain events or dates to do the dirty work for them when they can't seem to muster the inner strength to do it for themselves. I know I was using Father's Day as a way to not really have to try to increase the intimacy or pursue W for ML. Because I KNEW that we almost always ML on Father's Day, I figured I could just wait until then and things would just "work out".
I think it's entirely possible that your W did the same thing with OM going away to basic training. It seems like she used this as a convienent stopping point rather than have to just summon the strength to do it 100% on her own, without special occasion. I DON'T think that's necessarily a bad thing.
I just hope for your sake and hers, that she now turns towards you and your marriage (oh, and all those unresolved issues she has) and you can build something of sufficent happiness and strenght that when OM comes a calling in 6 months, or a year from now, she'll be able to turn a blind eye and cold heart...towards HIM this time.
I KNOW you have put in the time and work. Now is the time to make all that pay off!
She "tried" to end it on her own two months ago and failed, so maybe this is something that she is going to use as the end. On the other hand, the last R talk we had was a month ago when I told her that I was probably going to file for divorce, and that convo changed the dynamic between us such that we don't talk about the A or about our R anymore, so I have no idea where she is (and she likely doesn't really know where I am either).
I don't even know for sure that she is currently taking him to report for duty, though I can't figure out any other possible explanation for this weekend that makes sense, and he was supposed to be reporting about now anyway.
Her attitute towards OM has clearly changed in the last three weeks, though. She now turns her phone off when she comes over here. She doesn't call him from here. She has clearly been wearied by his emotional neediness (who wouldn't be?). Those things make me think that she will want to end the A permanently. She still went to Florida with him last weekend, though, so she isn't too sick of him.
The upshot of all this is that I have a little anticipation/nervousness going on. We'll see what her attitude is tomorrow night and thereafter.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
I just called her to see if she could watch D tomorrow, and she said "we" aren't on our way home yet, so OM is coming back with her from wherever they are. Time for another dose of patience, though I think I may ask her about him tomorrow, as I'm tired of not knowing.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
Don't ask. It may temporarily relieve your mind but it is unlikely to achieve your end goals--and from what you've posted you're doing so well. Anytime I ever asked my H about his two As it only served to make him feel guilty and then mad for feeling that way.
Thanks, SS. No, I didn't ask, and I continue to see good things whenever I see W. There is a warming process going on; we'll see what it means when the time comes.
I do wonder, though, why she HAD to go to Little Rock with OM -- and miss two days of work this week when she's going broke anyway. She had made it clear to me last week that going was a necessity, not a choice (which naturally made me think she was taking him to report for duty).
She told me tonight of some real problems at work. She's afraid that she may be getting fired. I don't know what to think about that, but I believe it would be a good thing for our sitch, because it might make her rethink her life.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
