Hi, Lee! HO read me right, the letter is mainly to help you let go. No, I don't really think it's the end of your R, I haven't heard that fat lady singing a song for you so far!
From all of the posts of yours I've read, I don't know if I've ever really heard you get very angry. You seem to keep it inside, and blame yourself for things that happen, or don't happen. I've done that often, too, and finally realized that's not the case. When I "idealize" the relationship, think TOO much about all the good things about my W, I create unrealistic expectations of her. Unrealistic expectations from the R. I have to find a balance, grasshopper! I get sooo wrapped up in all of it, I have to stop and wonder if I "want" the R, or do I "need" the R. If I need it, then I have to take a closer look at myself, and what I need to do to get closer to being a whole person. Not basing my every action on how it's going to affect the R, but rather on how it's going to affect me. Not what I'm going to do to "make the marriage work", but rather what things I can do for myself that will add to the relationship. Is this making any sense?
As Kent and I have both told you before (correct me if I'm wrong, Kent), the biggest turning points for us was when we figured out we'd be ok without our W's. That our lives were going to be good no matter what. Mine happened after I got over the sadness and hurt about my W's A, and finally got pissed!! I realized that that I had done some things wrong. I also realized that my W had done some things wrong. I knew that I could no longer depend on her for my happiness, that it was going to have to come from within me. I no longer idolized her or OR, but saw them for what they were. We are 2 imperfect human beings in an imperfect relationship.
Part of the "acting-as-if-things-are-over" is facing your fears, and figuring out what you're really afraid of. Is it fear of loneliness, financial loss, of growing old alone, of failure, loss of control, rejection, pride……..??? There are thousands of things, different for everyone. What they may seem to be on the surface may not actually be what they are deep down. It seems like until some of this is taken care of, the M won't be as complete and as trouble-free as it could be. This is something I still struggle with at times, and will hopefully someday find all the answers. All I know is that my answers won't come from someone else, they have to come from me. It seems that once you face some of those fears, the monsters aren't as big as they once seemed.
I WANT to be married to my W (well, most of the time, anyway, except when she really PISSES ME OFF!!). I think, for me, it's knowing that I don't HAVE to be married to her is what keeps me going through the tougher times. I try to take these times to figure out what I really want in my life, besides my marriage, think about what I would do if she wasn't in the picture anymore.
Re going dark and dimness……try considering these times as little "mini-vacations", where you can get some rest and regroup yourself. To work on you, and not your R. To gain some strength and different perspectives on the situation. To see things in a different light from when you were standing right in the middle of it.
I hope this doesn't sound too heavy, or like a bunch of BS, it's just some of what works for me, and is IMHO!!!
I'm glad you got out and went to the wedding. Bet it was tough, I tried avoid them. Keep up your chats with the BIG GUY, he'll be there for you. Let go, and let God. We're all pulling for YOU, and your R, too. Take care, my friend.
JJ
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