I think the reason the touchy-feely thing isn't pleasant for me is that I have picked up ( especially in the past) H's anxiety. I would focus, then, on what H was doing or not doing, what he was saying ( often times goofy things just to get comfortable) and I would secretly be irritated and not turned on. He wasn't engaging me in a way that fostered desire in me, and I didn't know how to reach out to make it happen for me. I feel less self absorbed now. Instead of concentrating on H's actions, I can be more of a giver. I think we both are developing more self confidence...he's not as wishy washy and I am not silently passive, but those old feelings still surface.
Jenny, you are right, I am more of a mind person while H is more physical. And it is cool that we can attempt to do a relationship exercise. There is probably a way to continue on and learn more.
No secret there... between my inability to speak up and H's anxiety we had what Blackfoot refers to as " clashing insecurities." Just creates a vicious cycle...with more and more distance. I do remember trying to speak up ( for instance, I wanted H to undress me) and he became defensive. I can't explain it, but he just wanted it "easy." I wanted him to be more seductive/sexy with me. And I was too reserved to bring it out myself. All these elements have gotten better but traces of them still exist.
I have been very calm lately. The Peace Between The Sheets has influenced me. Although I know that an aggressive style from H is a big turn-on for me, something has changed inside of me and I feel more patient. I am stretching myself to connect emotionally. We looked through the book together and we're not going to follow it step by step but we'll make use of some of the suggestions. Last nite we gave each other massages. In the past my H didn't want that kind of atttention from me...he was uncomfortable receiving the EC as I was giving...but it is so needed for him. I feel I am in giving mode with no expectations. The nice thing about the book is its emphasis that sex doesn't have to be a particular way...I think it goes overboard with the non-O thing, but for those of use who have a little trouble " getting there" it feels like a big relief.
The PBTS book is really for couples who are already on board with wanting to improve the intimacy. I have had to " Schnarch" H( and really myself) to get to this point.
It sounds like things are coming along for you two. Things do seem to have an ebb and flow no matter what anyone does or doesn't do. It is so difficult to keep doggedly bringing up the same old bs. At least the book has given you both a new language to use to talk about the same stuff. Makes it a little easier maybe?
I am so happy for you, especially for the feelings of calmness. I'm with you... I'm not sure I have bought into the no O thing, ever, for like my Doc said, everyone is built differently. It is something to explore.
The biggest thing about that book, I think, is how it somehow removes 'pressure to perform.' I don't know, you tell me. But in any event... I'm glad its another tool, like Karen said.
It would be interesting to hear from a couple who could really follow the book. It's turned into a self-serving exercise for me: if you tell my H that he can't have sex, he has to take it slow, he can't O, guess what he suddenly wants to do more than anything in the world? I then get to be the recipient of some aggressive action on his part, which is my turn on. We are PBTS failures,lol. Seriously, I do see some of our limitations more clearly and how I can push myself more out of my comfort zone. Something as basic as kissing is weird for us unless we are in the middle of something hot. We still have a ways to go.
It's turned into a self-serving exercise for me: if you tell my H that he can't have sex, he has to take it slow, he can't O, guess what he suddenly wants to do more than anything in the world? I then get to be the recipient of some aggressive action on his part, which is my turn on. We are PBTS failures,lol. Lol, Well, H and I experienced something similar recently. Without him even knowing about the PBTS book, he initiated just some "together time" naked in bed the other night. Well, it started out with us trying to go right for the sex and it was just not flowing. So he stopped and said let's just lie here together and enjoy it. I agreed, and after about 5 to 10 minutes of just lying with each other hugging and stuff we both got very turned on and proceeded to have great sex! So it does work, we just can't seem to stop at the no sex part. Which is fine with me. Not going to complain about that.
"I'll take no pressure to perform for a $1,000, Alex."
Seriously, girls... you've both done it like this on a limited basis... I'd be VERY curious to know if you started out each session like this... don't care where it's headed, don't need to O... let's just kind of hug and cuddle, maybe make out, maybe not..." and really, honestly, truly FELT that way... how it would all go....
IHJ has been talking about that feeling of 'patience.' C'mon gals, ya gotta help me out here... I need to know where all this could be heading.... <tap, tap, tap> This is the real, true, honest to goodness intimacy we are all talking about... 'least it SOUNDS that way....
I'd be VERY curious to know if you started out each session like this... don't care where it's headed, don't need to O... let's just kind of hug and cuddle, maybe make out, maybe not..." and really, honestly, truly FELT that way... how it would all go....
Well, I have to say, if nothing else, it is breaking a bad habit of ours, which was to turn a failed ML session into a fight. Now, I feel like we are both more open to the "naked cuddle" approach. Less resentments and can really just Enjoy each other again. That is a huge improvement. So you were really on to something here Corri. A LOT of it has to do with mental attitude, and like I said, really being willing to break old patterns/ruts. I'm going to make a huge effort to keep this up.
