Quote: I have learned ( and have seen this before) that H is an EC leading to sex person...there's also less performance anxiety in this slow, heartfelt touching kind of thing. But it doesn't quite do it for me...I'd rather feel the EC after the sex.
WOW. Almost stunned, but not quite, given my own history. All I can say is... in the words of Shrek... 'well, that explains a lot."
I have to ask you honestly... do you think you have a fear of intimacy? Being intimate (establishing EC) is very easy after sex... for it is a vulnerable act, in and of itself. And compared to IT (intercourse), it is relatively easy to open up on an EC level AFTER.
But to open up on an EC'ed level BEFORE IC... well, that is a whole other ballgame, completely.... you might have to 'give up' some kind of pre-defined role you have for yourself... you'd have no idea of what to do, what to expect, no role to fill... you could actually be wandering around in no-man's land...
I am NOT belittling this state... in the least. I am wondering, though, if you find that in the least bit indimidating?
Corri... I do feel way out of my comfort zone, and we only got to exchange 2! I guess the whole thing feels too artificial, like I am following a manual for something that should occur naturally. I know I enjoy passionate sex, I know I enjoy the cuddle days...but really opening up to experience and explore each other...that's the piece that's missing.
That is an interesting distinction. I've thought about it and I think that I am sometimes one way and sometimes the other. It depends on where the R is at. When the R is humming along then there doesn't need to be some big buildup of EC before sex. However, when things stink I do need to establish the EC before the sex.
Even though I am not such an EC before sex type of person, my H is, and I have sort of glossed this over. He likes/needs the no pressure, slow warm up, gentle touching thing and it is unwise ( and selfish ) of me to only wish for things my way. When he comes home, if he is eager to resume the exercises I will do them in a good spirit, from the heart...at least I'll try, anyway.
Good for you - maybe in more ways than one. Good for you to do something for your H and it might also be "good for you" to explore the whole EC thing a little more.
Corri... I didn't directly answer your question, " Do you have a fear of intimacy?" and I know that I do, and that is why I continue to post here, to try to get to a better place with H, even though we have progressed so much. I guess the major change for me lately is that I am less in blame mode and am trying to stay openminded and keep my heart available. I am not unhappy as I may be slowly accepting my emotional limits with H.
When the R is humming along then there doesn't need to be some big buildup of EC before sex. However, when things stink I do need to establish the EC before the sex.
That's interesting Karen. I'd say I'm the opposite. When the R is humming along, I feel like the EC is a lot easier to really feel and the sex is better. When the R is stagnant, I'd rather just skip the EC and get to the sex. Maybe because, like I stated before, the EC doesn't seem as "true" when we are not meshing. Too artificial. That's why I think some of those intimacy encounters may backfire with couples that don't have a solid R to begin with. If I'm feelin the love for H, and vice versa, the intimacy encounters would be wonderful, but usually, one or both of us are feeling stressed about the R.
I am not unhappy as I may be slowly accepting my emotional limits with H. I'm sort of batting this one back and forth in my head as well IHJ. I think I'd be happier in the long run with H if I wasn't so emotional about this issue. Hard to change a leopard's spots though.
I find this all very interesting indeed, where you all say that when things are stressed you'd rather get right to the ML part, and that the EC just doesn't seem genuine. I remember when things were so stressed with the H that the ML to ME didn't seem genuine. Hmmm.
I do hope you and H continue to try the exercises and maybe find a happy medium between the EC building and the ML building. Perhaps it is best built in stages, where you learn to relax and open up during the EC, and he learns to do the same with ML.
I really think that it is wonderful that you and your H are able to communicate openly enough that you can even try this experiment. I once took a college course on Drama in the Classroom in which we did a lot of exercises in which we tried to remember what it was like to just play freely and imaginatively like a child. Maybe you could try to add some imaginative role play to the "Peace Between the Sheets" type exercises. That way you could incorporate non-threatening fantasy with non-threatening physicality. I mean it might be the case that you are throwing up barriers to intimacy in response to the touchy-feely stuff, but it might also be the case that it just doesn't really feel as intimate to you as an interaction that involved more of a mind-to-mind link as opposed to body-to-body or heart-to-heart. I think this would be valid. You can have a body-to-body link with a complete stranger and you can have a heart-to-heart link with your dog but you can only have a mind-heart-body link with a human being that you trust, respect, love and desire.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
