I won't do a review of the Peace Between The Sheets ...just offer some quick impressions. The book outlines a program to build EC in a slow and steady way by focusing less on genital stimulation and more on heart to heart feelings. The author feels that getting overheated and O-ing produce a biological response which leads to separation. She goes into other ideas about homosexuality and reincarnation/spirituality that are way out there for me. The plan isn't realistic for H and me in the long term...he is just not going to forgo orgasm for an extended period of time. He agreed to do the exercises with me for a month, which I think is really cool.
So last night we did Exchange 1. We read a brief discussion about two kinds of touch, one that feels more like giving, and another that's interpreted by the receiver as grabbing. The goal was to touch your partner, massage him/her, with giving, healing hands. You wear clothes ( T shirt and underwear) and the idea is to just feel and not get too turned on. No grabby type stuff.
So we put the kids to bed, lit a candle, put on music (we agreed on Coldplay) and took turns massaging each other in this way. I was shocked by H's emotional reaction to the experience...he had tears....afterwards, his voice was soft and wavery. I thought the expereince was nice but wasn't as moved by the whole thing...maybe my defenses are up or something, or maybe I have been EC-depriving my H.
Anyway, we'll do the second one tonight ( they're supposed to last about a half-hr).
Thanks SOOOO much for sharing your experience with this. I also agree that the no-O for the long term probably isn't going to work for most couples. You did an excellent job of summing up what I think is the point of the book.
Quote: The book outlines a program to build EC in a slow and steady way by focusing less on genital stimulation and more on heart to heart feelings. The author feels that getting overheated and O-ing produce a biological response which leads to separation.
She believes that the inevitable rush to orgasm short-circuits the EC and the chemistry produced by the body actually creates feelings of separation and wanting to get away. And for the biologists in the group, she goes into quite a bit of detail about the chemistry.
Also- when you mentioned that she says some touch feels giving and some feels grabby to the receiver-- I think that puts a finger (as it were) on the problem of many couples in our group where the poster is the HDH... their wives feel that the touch is emotionally grabby, EVEN IF the husband doesn't want sex at the moment, or is willing to forgo it in the short term... SHE feels that somewhere down the road, the bill will come due. That's not to say there's anything wrong with the guy wanting sex at some point, but that "at some point" in the future is being perceived by the wife IN THE PRESENT.
Whether or not anyone else implements her suggestions, there are some insights here about giving and receiving that would help all of us.
IHJ, you probably DO have your defenses up-- why do I say that? Because *I* would in that sitch-- LOL! (The monologue in my head would be something like: "So when I come to you all turned on and wanting some hot sex, you don't bat an eye, but some recipe in some book has you all mushy-- fine!" or "I'm glad you're touched, but is this puddle of emotion ever going to produce any steam heat?")
Well, I feel that I am setting the stage for the exercise and I am being responsible for it...another way I over-control so I don't have to feel. And H over-controls too...he tended to deflect this type of interaction ( massage and stuff) from me so that I wouldn't be " let in."
This am we went out to breakfast without the kids and H mentioned again he looked forward to tonite's exhange. He seemed into it, so maybe I will relax some more and get to some emotional place. During the course of convo, H started talking to me about my college bf, the one I had my most intense, intimate experiences with, and he also brought up his college gf, the one who broke his heart. For those who are following my saga, you know that H and I were " rebound" friends who had a lot of fun and helped to heal each other. But the fact is, even though we had an active sex life way back then, we really weren't intimate. It's like we didn't want to go back to that place again....that those special feelings were never to be repeated. We had fun and connection but no real intensity. I think on some level both of us never really let each other in, so to speak...and now we have to work on it, which is awkwrd and uncomfortable. Or maybe this is the limit of our relationship, although I hope it's not.
RE Lil
I have not read the book but follow / agree with this maybe for a different reason or my reason She believes that the inevitable rush to orgasm short-circuits the EC and the chemistry produced by the body actually creates feelings of separation and wanting to get away.
To me doing what I guess is in the book and delaying any "O's" is like watching and helping a special food being made as compared to just showing up and eating it.
Being there and making it, you have a better appreciation of what it took to get to the final point, an bigger emotional investment in the final product, and a greater appreciation of what the SO brought to the table.
If something is there and you just show up and partake, you do enjoy it but maybe not as much. That is the first half.
The second half is like someone that is very hungry, once satisfied or over filled, the special food loses some of it's appeal.
So working on the EC and not overfilling causes some people to appreciate the special treat at some different level. Hopefully, at a higher level of appreciation.
Also- when you mentioned that she says some touch feels giving and some feels grabby to the receiver-- I think that puts a finger (as it were) on the problem of many couples in our group where the poster is the HDH... their wives feel that the touch is emotionally grabby, EVEN IF the husband doesn't want sex at the moment, or is willing to forgo it in the short term... SHE feels that somewhere down the road, the bill will come due. That's not to say there's anything wrong with the guy wanting sex at some point, but that "at some point" in the future is being perceived by the wife IN THE PRESENT.
Right on Lil. I say this is a common problem. Being aware of it helps an individual or a couple maybe so they make adjustments to their physical interactions. This is why I did some of the NHK with our underpants on and said no IC.
but is this puddle of emotion ever going to produce any steam heat?")
Well I hope it raises the temp closer to 212f/100c for Lil & bf and for IHJ & H.
Quote: To me doing what I guess is in the book and delaying any "O's" is like watching and helping a special food being made as compared to just showing up and eating it.
It's beyond watching the food. I think the author is saying it's more like having a wonderful meal and going on tasting and enjoying the food, savoring it, really enjoying the taste, texture, smells, sights for a much longer time, delaying the end of the meal.
I know that for myself, when playing by myself, I deliberately delay the O for as long as possible-- sometimes an hour or more-- because once the O happens, it's all over. The feeling of being right on the edge of the O is the most delicious part, when everything is humming, and you can go over at any moment. She's just saying that with this method not only do you stay in that very physically pleasurable zone for longer (some say "you can go on all night"), but since you are not focused on the O (which often means you remove your attention from your partner to focus on yourself), you can deepen and intensify the emotional connection. That is, if you see a deep emotional connection as something worthwhile having (I'm not sure BB does, from what you've said.)
Re Lil I deliberately delay the O for as long as possible-- sometimes an hour or more-- because once the O happens, it's all over.
I remember you saying you took a longer time on some occasions, "rolling around a grain of rice" if I remember correctly.
Lets say making out and having sex involves desire, a buzz, an explosion, melting, and some warm fuzzies.
To me the NHK involves the desire, and buzz and hopefully some warm fuzzies for both of us.
When I am in the buzz mode, I try to be more connected to BB because I want her to be connected to me. I hope some of that shows through somehow.
Maybe that buzz zone is creating more EC or oxytocins, I don't know.
It could be creating resentment if it includes penetration, from what I read, posted by LDW that just want to get it over with.
Hopefully w/o penetration, I can be in my buzz zone and BB will see that NHZ is more than just sex, and will lead to more or better EC.
She's just saying that with this method not only do you stay in that very physically pleasurable zone for longer (some say "you can go on all night"),
I remember you said one lover and you did something like the "starfish" position for several hours.
if you see a deep emotional connection as something worthwhile having It sounds worth while.
(I'm not sure BB does, from what you've said.)
Some of her or our problems are her pinkness, some the co-dependency program the hospital was running while she was a med nurse, and some issue due to lack of hormones due to aging and after effects from her meds. Of course attitude plays a large roll.
It was cold and rainy last night but BB did not want to cuddle, she said typical menopausal problems of wanting her space. The dog got top spot.
Hopefully you and your bf can make some good times happen.
Sorry, I hit the wrong key. It should be picky ness.
Examples I can walk the dogs in temps between 25 degrees to 90 degrees, wind or calm. BB won't walk the dogs below 50 degrees or over 75 degrees and wind less than 10 MPH. Only likes grapes from certain parts of the country, certain brands of foods.
So, sometimes I have to determine if BB is not interested in something or just being picky.
Hairdog said his W is similar. I asked Hair to determine if some of his W's put off's was that she was not interested in somethings or just picky.
H is out of town for the next few days. We took a break ( after a whole two days) from the " intimate exchanges" offrered in the Peace Between the Sheets book. Guess that's enough of peace and intimacy for us!
I just don't think I am an EC leading to sexual desire person, so it all feels difficult and strange for me. Also, I just kind of feel if you have to push yourself so much to get into doing the exercises, it's going to backfire. And that's what I was feeling.
I have learned ( and have seen this before) that H is an EC leading to sex person...there's also less performance anxiety in this slow, heartfelt touching kind of thing. But it doesn't quite do it for me...I'd rather feel the EC after the sex.
Not sure what the next paln will be when he comes back...maybe no plan.
