Well, I feel that I am setting the stage for the exercise and I am being responsible for it...another way I over-control so I don't have to feel. And H over-controls too...he tended to deflect this type of interaction ( massage and stuff) from me so that I wouldn't be " let in."
This am we went out to breakfast without the kids and H mentioned again he looked forward to tonite's exhange. He seemed into it, so maybe I will relax some more and get to some emotional place. During the course of convo, H started talking to me about my college bf, the one I had my most intense, intimate experiences with, and he also brought up his college gf, the one who broke his heart. For those who are following my saga, you know that H and I were " rebound" friends who had a lot of fun and helped to heal each other. But the fact is, even though we had an active sex life way back then, we really weren't intimate. It's like we didn't want to go back to that place again....that those special feelings were never to be repeated. We had fun and connection but no real intensity. I think on some level both of us never really let each other in, so to speak...and now we have to work on it, which is awkwrd and uncomfortable. Or maybe this is the limit of our relationship, although I hope it's not.
