I hear you all and I'm trying to let your words really sink in. I'm almost scared to reply for fear that you'll all think I'm not listening. I am. I know it is really important to focus on me and to have faith that I will be ok. Wow, that's hard.

I'm VERY depressed. (It scares me how much- I tried anti-depressants back at Christmas and they also made me really sick) Last night was bad- I certainly DID beg and plead, all the while knowing that it isn't helpful. That's why the self-recrimination today.

I have worked very hard on self esteem issues this year, since DBing. The impact of the work I've done on myself has been huge. On me, on everyone who sees me, and on OR. My backsliding last night lost me a lot of ground with MYSELF.

Kent, I do not doubt your advice to put distance between H and I. You know, I'm just so scared of that. We went to such a bad place back in Jan/Feb - not talking to each other- all lines of caring went down (on the surface for sure, anyway). We were so far apart. I'm scared it will be like that again. And I really feel like we both have a responsibility to figure out what has happened these last few months. There's been a lot of good going on, too. I know- pursuit.

In desperation today, I called a counsellor/friend of mine (I used to see her a while back.) The one thing we have not tried in all this is a couples session together. She suggested I ask him if he would go, to help us get through WHATEVER is going on, either way it's going to turn out. I asked him this morning and he said he wants to think about it and talk about it, not saying yes but not saying no. I know he's reluctant. I realize this is also like pursuing, but I think we could really use this. I was thinking that if we can get in for a few visits, then I would go dim/dark before and in between to give him space. Then our talks will be led and supervised and it might just change the dynamic a little?

I know you might all think that it isn't a good idea to pursue that, but I felt I had to ask, and that we owe it to US to do it even just once. Guess we'll see.

Thanks for the support. Gonna go read your posts again a few more times.

Lee