Here are a few more things to ponder that I picked up from my reading:
For women: stop coaching Men often feel criticized, unappreciated, pestered, reprimanded, and blamed by the women who allegedly love them. While you think you are helping him, you may be causing the steady erosion of his self-esteem. That response drives him further from you. No matter what he is doing that upsets you, you relationship is more important than any particular behavior or habit you don't like. When you coach and advise, you aren't succeeding in changing your H's behavior; you are only making it hard for your H to feel close to you - the one thing you most want. Just stop. Your H does not need your advise, you suggestions, your reminders, or your corrections. Give it all up, right now, cold turkey. You don't get to call all the shots in this marriage. You don't get to control your H's behavior. Both you and your H will start feeling better right away when you go on total abstinence from you coaching and advising.
Re: Intimacy A couple can have low levels of conflict and a lot of general compatibility (like my old M). But if they do nothing to nurture the feelings of love between them, the relationship will go flat (as mine did). They will begin to sense that something is missing, that they are being cheated, that the flame has died out (as my H felt).
Relax. Take in exactly what is really going on between you, instead of always trying, in subtle ways, to affect it, to push it. Let go of the idealized image. Companionship is an important form of intimacy. The very fact that you share so much of your life with one person is a truly amazing gift.
If you are frustrated with your partner, remember, your partner is also frustrated with you. Soften the urgency about your position and develop empathy for your partner.
Don't make your partner wrong. Recognize that your partner has a right to be the way he or she is.
Give some attention to giving your partner what he or she wants. Let go of the fantasy of what you wish the relationship were like, and let yourself enjoy what it actually is. Women: your H would love for you to notice and thank him for all the contributions he makes to your family. Express your appreciation, acknowledge and thank him for being the great guy he is. And take pleasure in what he does.
Try going even further. Try deliberately being just a bit more independent and seperate and self-sufficient. Do something you'd love to do for yourself entirely on your own.
Spend time together. "Togetherness" is an essential component of intimacy.
Intimacy has its own rhythm. Over a long relationship, there will naturally be times of more and less closeness. If you can keep perspective and trust through the hard times and not become overly anxious about them, warmth and closeness will come back to you, maybe when you least expect it.
Take a shift in attitude from frustration, anger, and blame to friendliness, tolerance, understanding, and kindness; a shift from helplessness to personal power.
