Muddle--Maybe it's *how* you're validating that's the problem? Perhaps it's the words you choose, the setting you're in, your body posturing and not agreeing with her that has her feeling as though you're silently mocking her?
I know I can tell the difference between pure empathy and modeled empathy--particularly when the intent is just to get through a conversation without inflicting or receiving damage or taking the time to understand what your W is saying.
Her self esteem may certainly come into play here--and I'm not doubting that for a moment.
However, if your type of validation isn't what she understands as validation, you've got a classic miscommunication problem.
I know you understand that validating does not mean you agree. But what true, empathetic validation requires of us is to hop in her shoes for a moment and hear her words so you might feel her pain. It means making a true attempt at understanding how she might be feeling about things in your marriage. And yes, in some conversations, it's perfectly acceptable to own your part in how things you did made her feel. I'm not saying you accept 100% of the blame carte blanche, but to acknowledge your own stuff in order to heal the R.
My guess is that your discomfort in talking to her is plainly visible to her--and she feels as though you're just paying her lip service with your brand of validation.
What do you think she might say?
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Betsey 