For those that have been following my sitch, I updated on GH's thread yesterday.
I haven't started The Dance of Anger yet but am half way through How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together and I have applied the principles I have learned so far. In just two days I have felt such a change in myself and my attitude which in turn as changed the way my H has been treating me.
Another thing that really hit home for me was something either UD or Always said to me, in so many words - "Stop treating your H like a criminal whose always under investigation" I know the A is not something I want in my life but I know absolutely nothing about it so I shouldn't really even think about it. But what I do know is if the tables were turned I definitely couldn't stand to live with someone who had my every move under a microscope and was interrogating me all the time. Then I think I would be singing "Time for my to Fly".
Quote: But what I do know is if the tables were turned I definitely couldn't stand to live with someone who had my every move under a microscope and was interrogating me all the time. Then I think I would be singing "Time for my to Fly".
Well, at the risk of advocating denial, I think you're right. The bottom line is that we HAVE to remember the cornerstone of DB is all about them WANTING to come back to the relationship.
Snooping is all about focusing on the A, and in some way, figuring out a way to force an end to it.
"As if" and all the other tools of DB are all about making OUR personal situation, our SELVES, conducive to the WAS wanting to come back. It's all about making US feel GREAT about ourselves so that the WAS see us as something other than miserable, angry people who make them afraid. We want them to see confident, safe people who want to love them and forge a new relationship, better and stronger than before, founded on the idea that each individual WANTS to do for the other, not NEEDS to.
"Stop treating your H like a criminal whose always under investigation
In the book "Make Up, Don't Break Up"... it is stated that the NO.1 reason that WAS do not come back into their M is because of GUILT. And if we behave that our WAS are criminals, the GUILT will be festering and boiling like crazy... and that would be a catalyst to catapult them off from the nest!!! So, I second that we need to change our attitude to look to the present and future and not be obsessed with the A....... (Yup..know it is hard. hard. hard. My gf told me "you can think some..but don't voice it ever to your H. And since you have decided to want him back, you need to see the positive future!")
yoyo girl, Do you recommend that I also read this book? If so, who is the author?
Yesterday I had another good day with my kids. I even cut the lawn so my H wouldn't have to. Every time I started to wonder where he was I put up the mental stop sign. It is really helping me to NOT think of him as a criminal. I don't tell him every single thing I do during the day, right? I know, he could very well be with HER but even if he is, there is really NOTHING that I can do about it.
In my mind and in my actions I have come to an acceptance. Of course, I wish this never happened but then I am putting the spotlight on me and my needs. My H was very unhappy and found a way to make himself happy. Now my mission in life is for him to find happiness with me again and he won't find it with a jailer.
P.S. It was really hot here yesterday and H was sleeping in boxers - MAN, is he sexy!!! I really hope that someday we can be together again.
GH, he was sleeping, but I do intend to tell him today with no expectations. He is not ready for a physical R yet.
Here are some things I highlighted in the book I am currently reading:
*Relax the Urgency about your own position (i.e. intimacy). Relaxing or letting go does not mean that you give up what you want; instead, it means to give up your anxiety about what you want.
Intention is desire with no attachment to the outcome. you still have your intention, which is a powerful force, and you still have your desire. But you also trust that the best outcome will emerge on its own; it doesn't require you to force or manipulate it. Keep your stron intention, and relax. The more you become attached to one outcome, the more you fear what will happen if you do not get it.
*Wait. Now you have done all you can, and you need to let nature take its course. While you are waiting, you have to be will to live temporarily in the realm of uncertainty, what Gestalt therapist Fritz Perls called, the "fertile void." Your confusion and lack of resolution may be disturbing and difficult, but you have to be willing to live with this uneasy feeling for a while.
*When you listen to another person and then express empathy with what you have heard - even if you don't agree with it, you will be giving that person one of the most important gifts there is: validation. Expressing empathy is the very least we can do for each other as intimate partners.
Besides, when your partner says something and you don't express empathy, or even worse, you argue against the position, he or she will feel unheard and invalidated and will continue to repeat the position over and over.
Expressing empathy could be the single most powerful suggestions in this book. It can de-escalate hostilities, calm tension, create a safer atmosphere to talk. It will feel loving for both the giver and the receiver. It is the simplest action you can take to bring the two of you closer.
Remember, expressing empathy for your partner's position does not mean that you are agreeing with it, or that you are giving in to it in any way. Not at all. Expressing empathy for your partner's position will make it easier for you to express your own, and will make your conversation far more effective.
*Gracefully accept what you cannot change. Simply stop labeling whatever you don't like a "problem," and start labeling it a "fact of life." It is not your differences but your resistance to difference that causes pain.
Ok, these statements may apply to me and others and may not, so take it with a grain of salt. Over and out for now.
Mama--That has got to be your most inspiring post yet! I'm so glad you're donning a new set of glasses so you can see your sitch differently. Sometimes, that shift is what we need to be more effective.
So keep on going and smiling... it looks great from here!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
I jumped on the validation band-wagon early in my sitch and it paid IMMEDIATE dividends, especially where it concerned my W feeling comfortable opening up to me. I really think if you make this idea of uncompromising validation before ANY argument happens, you will be a MUCH happier person, and so will the people in your life because when YOU validate, it teaches others to do so as well, kinda becoming a positive communication virus.
Quote: Relaxing or letting go does not mean that you give up what you want; instead, it means to give up your anxiety about what you want.
A book I read awhile back called "The Little Book of Letting Go" was all about this as well. It was REALLY helpful in illustrating how to go from worrying about everything to trying not to. In other words, as the title of that other book goes, don't sweat the small stuff...and it's ALL small stuff.
Quote:
Intention is desire with no attachment to the outcome. you still have your intention, which is a powerful force, and you still have your desire. But you also trust that the best outcome will emerge on its own; it doesn't require you to force or manipulate it. Keep your stron intention, and relax. The more you become attached to one outcome, the more you fear what will happen if you do not get it.
I think this is all about learning to fail with dignity and honor and NOT take it personally. I do think there is a fine line here (gee, what else is new) between not CARING about the outcome, and being overly fixated on it, especially if it goes the "other" way. Learning to learn from failure, and accept it as a natural part of trying your hardest is an extremely hard yet productive thing to learn.
Quote: *Wait. Now you have done all you can, and you need to let nature take its course. While you are waiting, you have to be will to live temporarily in the realm of uncertainty, what Gestalt therapist Fritz Perls called, the "fertile void." Your confusion and lack of resolution may be disturbing and difficult, but you have to be willing to live with this uneasy feeling for a while.
For me, this is all about not being a conflict avoider, i.e. learning to deal with the external and internal conflicts in life with a sense of calm and decided lack of anxiety. I REALLY need to work on this because I still get VERY anxious and pretty much am barren earth as opposed to a "fertile void". I have to think more about this...must learn to do better in conflict.
Quote: *Gracefully accept what you cannot change. Simply stop labeling whatever you don't like a "problem," and start labeling it a "fact of life." It is not your differences but your resistance to difference that causes pain.
I love this. I think it's what I was talking about yesterday when I posted about us trying to be that one person in the crisis who remains calm, even happy because they are SO centered and "together" that they see the current situation as a temporary thing in their life, NOT as their ENTIRE lives as we sometimes do. This is a really good concept for me...and you of course.
Thank you for this post. More to add to my life philosophy.
Ok, quick validation question: everytime I try to validate what my W feels, she attacks me telling me I'm condescending. I don't understand. She wants me to actually agree with what she's saying - and I don't. What's wrong with that? I think it's an issue she has with her self esteem, where she feels wrong and is seeking validation. In fact, throughout this 5 and a half month ordeal, she's been talking about almost nothing but being validated about her feelings meaning something. I've done all I can to validate without agreeing - I'm not even adding a but, but she still sees it and gets upset. She's also been doing all she can to find fault with me, so this may be part of it.
Ok, so a little advanced validation help anyone?
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
Hmmmm. I THOUGHT my W would react the same way. I know you and I have talked about validation before (I think I accused you of NOT doing it, then you corrected me with a perfect example of how you WERE doing it).
Can you post an example (sorry mama if this is a hijack, but it seems to contribute to the overall discussion), as close as you can to the actual words used?
Lemme try...
W: I just feel like our whole marriage is crap. I don't think I ever loved you Muddle and we got married for all the wrong reasons. M: Ok, I guess I can see how YOU would feel that way. W: Why do you have to say it that way? Don't YOU feel that way too? You have to because I know you haven't been happy either...
Basically, is she bypassing your validation in hopes that you will at some point agree with her?
Is that about the gist of a common interaction? She says something extreme and very black/white about your marriage or you and you try to let her know that you can understand why she feels that way? Is that how you validate or do you use other words/methods?
Betsey