I understand how depressed and desperate you feel. I have not posted here in a long time, but have been through an affair and 9-month separation. Although My H and I are back trying to make it work now, there was a time when I was sure it was over. I haven't been following your story very closely, so forgive me if I am out of line.
It might be really over for your relationship, and it may not. But the only way you will make it through is to not lose hope and faith in YOURSELF. I can tell you that in my darkest days, the only way I could go on was to stop focusing on every thing about US and HIM, and to realize that it might be over but I must go on. For me, that meant going away from this messageboard for a while because it was just too much rehashing. Try to find what works for you.
PLEASE, PLEASE. DO NOT punish yourself for backsliding and not being so great at DB all the time. You must LET GO and forgive yourself, and maybe even forgive him one day. YOu will get through this. OF course you are terribly depressed. That is normal. If you are sick and really can't get through, please call your doctor and consider antidepressants. It is time to take care of YOU. That does not mean there will never be a YOU and him, but you have to realize that that might not be within your control right now. Hold on tight, and keep us posted.
Lee, HO has offered good input. You appear to have some low esteem issues that you really need to address. Your post seems to place all the blame on yourself. We all know that it is not so. Don't slip back into the begging and pleading mode. You existed before H was in the picture and you will be fine if he leaves the picture.
Reach deep and find the strength to let him go and start moving forward with your life. You may wish to go extremely dim on him for a while as it seems that you really need to break your cycle of pursuit.
Hanging on to him will improve nothing.
Lee, I'm here to tell you that life is wonderful. When was the last time you felt that way? Start looking for the sunshine. Let H pursue his personal struggle alone. You have witnessed enough to know that you cannot help him through it.
Don't be in a hurry to leave the forum just yet. Put distance between you and H, stop returning all his calls, stop being available to be his friend that he keeps unloading all his confusion on. Take care of yourself. You need to be your #1 priority.
K
[This message has been edited by KentS (edited 08-01-2001).]
Hi, Lee, I'm back. Looks like you got some real good input from HO and Kent. I have to say I agree 100% with what they're saying. H has told you what he wants, and what he doesn't want. He wants space, so give it to him. LOTS of it. Grant him his wish
I thought he was at least going to give me a chance.
Honey, YOU were the one giving HIM a chance.
To listen and try to meet his needs, too.
He has absolutely no idea what his needs are right now, he still has to figure these out. On his own.
Suggested homework assignments:
1) Sit down right now and write a letter to your H. Tell him that as of now, YOU are undecided on which direction you want the R to go, are not sure that you REALLY want to get back with him. Tell him that he's a jerk (or any other terms of endearment you wish), that you're a great catch, you don't deserve to be treated this way, and you won't put up with it any longer. List as many things you can think of that piss you off about him, things he does and the way he is. Let him know that you don't want to see him, or even take his calls, for at least 30 days. That you need this time for yourself, and you don't want him intruding on your life.
Now that you've done this, put it away and re-read it as you feel the need. Add to it if you want to. Don't send it, it's just for you. Don't answer your phone.
2) For the next 48 hours, act-as-if your marriage is over. Forget all thoughts of reconciliation. He's out of your life, it's time to move on. What are you going to do now with all the time you've spent working on the R? There'll be a lot of time to fill. What are your plans? What have you always wanted to do? Dreams, goals, etc.? What are you going to do tonight, tomorrow, next week? Where do you want to be in a year?
One thing I recently did was get on the classmate.com website and found some old grade school friends I hadn't talked to in about 28 years. We're all catching up with each others lives, and planning on all getting together in the very near future.
Spend some time coming up with these answers. We'd like to hear some of them if you're willing to share them with us. You're a special person, and you deserve good things in life.
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
I hear you all and I'm trying to let your words really sink in. I'm almost scared to reply for fear that you'll all think I'm not listening. I am. I know it is really important to focus on me and to have faith that I will be ok. Wow, that's hard.
I'm VERY depressed. (It scares me how much- I tried anti-depressants back at Christmas and they also made me really sick) Last night was bad- I certainly DID beg and plead, all the while knowing that it isn't helpful. That's why the self-recrimination today.
I have worked very hard on self esteem issues this year, since DBing. The impact of the work I've done on myself has been huge. On me, on everyone who sees me, and on OR. My backsliding last night lost me a lot of ground with MYSELF.
Kent, I do not doubt your advice to put distance between H and I. You know, I'm just so scared of that. We went to such a bad place back in Jan/Feb - not talking to each other- all lines of caring went down (on the surface for sure, anyway). We were so far apart. I'm scared it will be like that again. And I really feel like we both have a responsibility to figure out what has happened these last few months. There's been a lot of good going on, too. I know- pursuit.
In desperation today, I called a counsellor/friend of mine (I used to see her a while back.) The one thing we have not tried in all this is a couples session together. She suggested I ask him if he would go, to help us get through WHATEVER is going on, either way it's going to turn out. I asked him this morning and he said he wants to think about it and talk about it, not saying yes but not saying no. I know he's reluctant. I realize this is also like pursuing, but I think we could really use this. I was thinking that if we can get in for a few visits, then I would go dim/dark before and in between to give him space. Then our talks will be led and supervised and it might just change the dynamic a little?
I know you might all think that it isn't a good idea to pursue that, but I felt I had to ask, and that we owe it to US to do it even just once. Guess we'll see.
Thanks for the support. Gonna go read your posts again a few more times.
Lee, What JJ is saying is that you are a great catch. H is lucky to have such a caring W that would come to this place to try to work on her R.
You have been Carrying the R 200%. Stop It! OK, you asked about the C session. If he goes great. What are ya gonna do if he does not respond. I bet I know and I hope you don't do it.
If he does go, great. Stay dim between the sessions and keep them close togather.
You may very well lose this guy Lee. I'm tellin you it aint the end of the world. Unfortunately, you are the one who needs this attitude as I already have it. I'm tellin you it will be his loss.
I wish I could reach out and give you a hug. Everything will be all right babe.
Hey, Lee! Gotta go for the evening, just wanted to let you know there are people here who can see what a beautiful person you are, and who love and respect you for who you are, and who you are becoming.
One of the biggest and hardest parts of detaching is to not take other people's dramas personally. This has been one of the greatest rules my journey has taught me. I don't think any of what he's going through right now is about you, it's all about him. Try not to let it effect your sense of self-worth. He's probably gonna wake up someday, and realize what a wonderful and caring friend you've been to him, what a wonderful person you are, and what an a** he's been. Until that day, take care of yourself, and know that you have a lot of friends here.
If you love something, set it free. If it doesn't come back to you.....hunt it down and shoot it!
Now, I'm off to have some margaritas for you my friend! What's your favorite flavor? Extra shot on the top? Well, ok. Remember, I'm doing this just for you!!!
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
I have been hanging in there, guys. Extremely depressed and scared, trying to shake it. Have talked to counsellor friend again and feeling a little better.
JJ - Have been writing a lot like your asssignements. I have been trying to Act As If it is over- it's causing some pretty dark times like before, and some paranoia and fear, too. I'm curious - did you suggest I do that because you really think it's the end- or because I have to think about it? I understand you all have seen so many ups and downs, is that where I'm wrong- by not being able to let go? Forgive me If I seem dense on that.
I'm so scared of divorce and of him dropping right out of my life, hating me. Counsellor told me "not to go there", because it hasn't happened. And I should only think of the next few weeks instead. I think part of the fear is that I have been distancing myself from how bad things were at Christmas and now I'm almost unrealistically terrified it will be like that again. I say unrealistic, because I REALLY REALLY don't think H wants that.
Anyway, H went away for the weekend, I know because he left me a voice mail started out by saying "Hi buddy" (our nicknames for each other) and he'd call me when he gets back.
Now I am going to a wedding, of all things. I had decided not to go, judging by my state of mind yesterday, but I changed my mind today. Got pretied up. Am wearing my heart on my sleeve.
I want to have a little chat with God. Thought a wedding might be a good place for it.
Glad to hear you are hanging on. How was the wedding. IT was brave of you to go. I ca't read JJ's mind, but my guess is that he suggested you write that letter to help yourself let go, to say things that need to be said but that would do no good to actually say to him.
Your C is right--you must not think too far ahead right now. At my darkest time, the only way I made it through was by developing a "one day at a time" attitude. Believe me, I know how hard that is--I am a big planner. The future will be there whether you worry about it or not. What will you do for yourself TODAY? Tommorow? Eventually, you will be stronger and be able to think ahead to next month. But for now, just give yourself time to heal.
It is sad that your H cannot see clearly now. But you cannot change him; only yourself. IF you want, read my success story thread--I posted a link on this board. In it, I say a lot about letting go. Please be patient with yourself, pray for strength, and be a little selfish.
Lee, ******************************************** I'm so scared of divorce and of him dropping right out of my life, hating me. Counsellor told me "not to go there", because it hasn't happened. ******************************************** I can relate to that as I used to feel the same way. Then I realized what I was really afraid of. Financial ruin was on issue. But the real issue was about happiness. If W left me, I would become responsible for my own happiness. Yep! I found it ironic that a guy who did'nt marry until age 35 could become so overdependent.
It took 8 months of personal C sessions for me to fix this one.
