WOW! Mama, I agree with everything UD is saying, b/c, along with UD, I'm your other triplet. Were we all lost at birth....let's all pray that our spouse's don't get together.
OK, yes, it was from our past, our parents, our M's are a wreck, things are WAY out of control and BEYOND normal and feel that we can't get it back. You feel crazy (so did I) and it's hard to extend this compassionate view of communicating with an A going on. My thoughts, in bullet point, again--it may be harsh, but I love ya, so here it goes. I'm saying these things b/c of all people on these boards, our situations mirror each other the most....I want to tell you these things directly so you can stop taking things backwards and move them forward--before it's too late.
* You're not REALLY crazy, but you sure are making yourself that way. You get so riled up when he comes home late? WHY? You KNOW he is, but choose to act surprised anyway. Why? Just move on with your life. Know this, whatever it is with OW, it's NOT true love, all that crap. Things are crappy at home and it's H's escape. Bad, deplorable, but that is ALL it is. Stop making it out to be more. Stop the crazy-making.
* Face this: wanna know how he looks at you? He sees you as angry. That's it, plain and simple. To him you are: out of control, angry, ready to rage at any minute, he can never do good, he can never satisfy, being with you is a prison, torture, you're demanding, controlling, forceful. So, he doesn't really care what he does to you now. Do you think he cares that he hurts you? NO....b/c you're just a raging control freak anyway....again, I'm being TOUGH, but this is what I saw H see in me....he TOLD me and it was one hell of a wake up call. His patience and tenderness with you is worn out, he does not see you as a person he needs to protect, rather one he needs to protect himself from. Of course, let's not forget that you feel this way b/c of the A, but he can't see that.
* You have control. PUSH THE STOP BUTTON on your emotions, your actions, your control, your demands, your anger. For me, it was a choice to STOP THE CRAZY_MAKING. I did it the day I found out about OW. I stopped. I let go. It was honestly the BEST thing I did and it got H to turn around and stop the A. Go against your anger, be nice no matter what, be cheery, upbeat, be everything opposite of what I described to you that he sees you as. Laugh, smile, don't be rash, unreasonable. Don't ask questions (for now), act like you trust him, don't treat him like a criminal.
* Who knows what he's attracted to now. BUT, UD is right, who can find an angry person attractive, you are not attracted to someone who you don't trust and feel hurts you. I feel that way about H now and SEE how he felt. The main point is....are you attracted to YOURSELF? Do YOU think you're pretty? If so, then show it, believe it, feel it. Do you think you're nice, have changed? If so, show it believe it and feel it. You get the point. You can't expect people to like a person you don't like yourself. Learn to love you. NOW.
* You MUST make a committment, 110%, like UD suggested, to radically change NOW. H will see these things. Your anger, your reactions. It's rather unfortunate that this is probably the FIRST time that warrants your reactions, but it doesn't matter, you cried wolf so much in the past, you have forsaken your ability to act in anger and have it understood. The time will come for that. It's NOT now. I viewed it as this: in my M, patience was NOT something I was any good at. So, I was given the ultimate test, to be patient in a situation that did not deserve my patience, one that I had a right to flip about. Could I do it? I did. You can too.
* Your H is scared of you now. He's scared to stop, b/c what does he have, the raging consequences of his mistakes. He's afraid to talk to you. He's afraid to admit mistakes, to find solutions, like UD and GH said. The best thing my H told me was that he finally felt SAFE with me. WOW. That is your mission. In your every action. No conditions to this.
* GO TO THE MC. What are you thinking? He agrees to it and you're pissed that he's not enthusiastic and are projecting all your fearful assumtions as to WHY? He is saying things b/c he's hurt and trying to throw spears to protect himself...."I'm not attracted to you, I don't want to hurt you, I am only going for you..." I say things like this in times of pain too, I don't feel that way, really, but it's PA behavior. Not telling the truth for fear of being REAL. Fix the appt and go. You both clearly can't talk now, b/c of trust, use the counselor for H to feel safe. This is a golden opportunity and if you let too long go before fixing an appt, it only shows him that you haven't changed, that you can't let a grudge go to do the right thing. I KNOW that if you go, are open and stop the anger, this WILL turn things around...you will unearth good things for both of you.
* H needs to know, over a long time, that you WILL be gentle and forgive him. That you will feel anger, and pain, but you will forgive. That is a BIG reason why he won't turn back to you. My H kept saying this too, it's too broken to go on, you can't forgive me. Well, if I went crazy over small things, what makes him think I can forgive this? Not much.
PLEASE....push the stop button today. call a time out. Do your part to add nothing put positive into the M, and it will build. It did for me. It's what brought H around to see things. I'm sorry if this was harsh sounding, but I want to see this work for both of you. You're amazing and capable of great change, just work hard now.
