The platonic relationship continues Part 2

[Underdog]

Oh no! Mama, I don't want to whack you... so I won't come here for that purpose. I just see things here because they are too doggone close to my past, and I'd like to offer some clarity where I believe I've got it.

My husband is afraid to open up to me. He even stated that is why a MC would help.

If he chooses to go this route, reward him! But in the mean time, it would be wonderful if you can figure out how to work on your own issues. Maybe if the 2 of you work independently for awhile, you'll be able to see each other (and yourselves) differently?

This is why I cringe when I read about confrontation when the problem is really about how you feel. Granted, his actions are pretty deplorable, but you'll never know how much you contribute to this scenario until you kill the motor in that ship and let it sit idle for awhile.

You are right, I am VERY controlling and want to FIX everything.

You're not alone! Guilty as charged on my front too. It takes one to know one...

I even do this with my kids. I'm probably sending them the message that they can't do anything right. This is the EXACT message I received as a kid from my Dad.

Me too! Only it was my mom who perpetuated this dynamic. To this day, if I tell her about a controversial discussion I've had with a family member, she yells at me, "Why didn't you tell them XXX?" I'm 44 years old, and my mom still thinks that her way is the only way and the right way.

But I understand her better now. I see her control as a mask for her fear... Fear that I'll be hurt and it will cause her pain. Fear that I won't be able to manage my life emotionally from the pain I've had. Fear that it might reflect back on her. And instead of dealing with her fear and why it's present, she seeks to control the rest of us. Because her mind tells her it's easier to deal with our external chaos rather than deal with her internal chaos. When she isn't able to usurp control, it makes her angry... and the rest of us get out of the way.

You're not crazy and you don't need a straight jacket. What might help is a behavioral microscope, though. One that allows you to see things from your past and to carry them forward to your present. A means of providing you some clarity on the things that are no longer helpful or healthful... and a means of letting them go.

Letting go... two very simple words that have been the biggest challenge for me thus far. I still do battle with them, Mama. And I won't tell you I'm cured, because I'm not. But every stinking day, I wake up and ask God for help in managing my fears and all the situations that might bring them out full force. I think He has a very tough job with me most of the time...

But my point here is that it's time to try something. Anything. Because you feel miserable, and it's painfully obvious to those of us who are reading your journaling. It's easy enough to point fingers at him--hell, he's making that easy for you to do--but the fact is you're unhappy because of how you feel.

And until you address this very subject matter, things aren't going to improve between the 2 of you. Chances are, this dynamic has been brewing for a very long time. It's just going to need a very long time to sort itself out. It's definitely going to require patience... and you're going to have to be most patient with yourself.

This is the one area that I committed 110% to no backslides... I set myself a zero tolerance for outward displays of rages and learned how to communicate through my anger without holding my XH responsible for how I felt. It took a very long time, friend, but I'm living proof that it can be done.

Counseling also helped... so if that's an avenue you're willing to take to feel better about yourself and your ability to make good and lasting change, I'm more than happy to support your endeavors.

So... no whacking if at all possible. I don't enjoy it, and you don't benefit from it. I'm just glad to hear that you're open to seeing things differently. That's a big start!

Hugs,

Betsey