The platonic relationship continues Part 2

[Underdog]

Mama,

Wow, I'm sorry to read about your confrontation. I have to say that I started reading with extreme trepidation, because your very first paragraph pretty much indicated the way everything was going to go:

as far as H and his unexplained absenses, that really wasn't it. I just HAD to talk to him.

How he reacted was exactly what I would have predicted. That is, he's avoiding because it's not at all safe for him to be with you right now. What do I mean? Let's go into more detail...

He came home after 3:00. I was fuming but didn't say a word. He ate the salad I made him 2 hours ago and we went to the movies. Had a nice time.

But I'd bet my mortgage he knew the fury that was simmering under the surface. This man is terrified of you and your temper, Mama.

"I love you and our family very much and would do anything to keep us together, but lately I feel my dignity and self-esteem have been slipping away. I cannot go on like this." I brought up things that were bothering me like hime not coming straight home from work, $, lack of honesty, etc...
I say we have a few choices: 1) go to a marriage counselor, 2) because I know he HATES to talk to people, work with me and my library of resourses, 3) seperate and all that that entails.

I completely understand your feelings here, Mama. But where in this conversation was there room for him to come up with a solution? Your fear is magnified in control, and for the P/A person, you've backed him in a corner and given him options on how to work out of it. I'm afraid if YOU don't change how you approach the situation, you're not going to get any chances to work this out.

He right away denied every thing

Yup, I could have predicted this. Communications between the 2 of you are not good, and he's not going to feel comfortable even considering being honest until it's safe, Mama. We both know that you're riding a hair trigger that he's going to set off one way or another.

but the most painful thing, besides the lying, was he told me that he was no longer attracted to me physically. That really hurt since I personally feel that I look pretty damn good.

I'm sure you do look good, friend. But consider this: are you attracted to someone you no longer respect? He's seeing you as a whole package, not just an exterior. And who's attracted to someone who is angry all the time?

I'm NOT saying you don't have justification in your anger, Mama. What I AM saying is that this anger is causing your marriage harm, and it would be very advisable for you to stop holding HIM accountable for how you feel. That's your problem, and he has his own. His may be worse than yours, but I'm afraid he's not going to give you or your marriage a chance if you don't work on this issue. He's clearly telling you that it's getting in the way.

I told him that talking to a professional might help because there could be hidden barriers that could be preventing him from wanting to be with me.

Again, I see this as very controlling. You've given him the cure to what you believe ails him. You've already mentioned that he has difficulty opening up to strangers, so tell me how this is going to work out in favor of you and your marriage?

Does he get a say in how matters are resolved between the 2 of you, or do you have exclusive rights here?

As far as the OW is concerned, Mama, how can I put this so I don't come across as whacking you? I think she's only an issue as long as you make her an issue? What if his R with her isn't what you assume it is? Could this be possible? And could it also be possible that your lack of respect is driving him elsewhere?

He is only still here because of finances, but eventually that will not matter to him and he will reach his breaking point and leave and not look back. I

Okay, now I'm going to nail you for this huge assumption. Mama, he's not ever said this to you, has he? What if he really DOES want your marriage to work? What if he just has his own ideas on what a happy marriage looks like to him, and he's desperately afraid that you're going to rail him for seeing things differently and wanting to get there on his own?

What if he really doesn't want to leave, but you're figuratively packing his stuff and sending him away? What if your anger is the reason he can't see you any differently? Would you be more inclined to work on your own issues?

I mentioned tapes on anger last week, and I'm still encouraging you to invest $35 for 4 hours of therapy. However, if you really want to get started, how about heading to the bookstore and buying Harriet Lerner's The Dance of Anger?

Friend, I don't know the issues here between you, but as a novice reader, I can definitely tell you that until you learn how to embrace your anger and diffuse it, it's going to prevent you from being happy. I really would love to see you and your H make an attempt at setting things right, and sometimes it calls for US to step up to the plate and do some tough work.

If I could convince you to do nothing else but this, I'd pay money to see you get some good results. But that's entirely up to you.

Now, I just hope that you don't feel beaten down by what I had to say. BTW, I've had to travel this path, Mama. Only it wasn't my XH who told me he was terrified of my anger--it was my D12, who was 8 at the time. She told me that she and her dad had been afraid of me for a long time. THAT was single handedly my biggest movtive to change. Honestly, I was sick of being angry...

I just hope you are too.

(((((Mama)))))

Betsey