ok, so much for the best laid plans..... as far as H and his unexplained absenses, that really wasn't it. I just HAD to talk to him.
Let's see Friday he said,as well as wrote in his morning note to me that he would be home around 2:00. When he wasn't home at 3:30 and didn't call I, of course, started on my usual tirad. I called his cell, no answer....so, I called his work, something I have NEVER done in 12 years. They said they just saw him and would page him. He didn't answer. He called from his cell a few minutes later and was home by 4.
Saturday: I could not sleep, I really needed to talk to him. You have to understand the reason that I am so crazy is because he works with the OW. I was up by 3:30 a.m., made coffee and went downstairs to read. I didn't talk to him, as I stated earlier but around 11:00 I called him on his cell and asked him if he could come straight home today, I told him it would really make me happy. He said he was busy but would call me back. He called at 1:04 and said he just left and was on his way home, he was just going to stop for lotto tickets. Mind you, this should take at a maximum of 40 minutes. I told him I was going to take the kids to see Cars and that the show was at 2:40, he stated that was too early - he wanted to come home and relax first.
He came home after 3:00. I was fuming but didn't say a word. He ate the salad I made him 2 hours ago and we went to the movies. Had a nice time.
Sunday morning; I wake up early once again. I cannot do this anymore. I make coffee and wait for him to wake up, I actually woke him up around 6:00 a.m. I told him I need to talk to him and it was serious plus I wanted to do it before the kids got up.
I don't remember word for word what I said but this was the jist of it. "I love you and our family very much and would do anything to keep us together, but lately I feel my dignity and self-esteem have been slipping away. I cannot go on like this." I brought up things that were bothering me like hime not coming straight home from work, $, lack of honesty, etc... I say we have a few choices: 1) go to a marriage counselor, 2) because I know he HATES to talk to people, work with me and my library of resourses, 3) seperate and all that that entails.
He right away denied every thing (even though I found a Nokia phone in the breast pocket of his leather jacket) I know, snooping is bad - I didn't bring it up.
He said I know people think the grass is greener,but it's not - if you want to go to a marriage counselor I'll go....but the most painful thing, besides the lying, was he told me that he was no longer attracted to me physically. That really hurt since I personally feel that I look pretty damn good. I told him that talking to a professional might help because there could be hidden barriers that could be preventing him from wanting to be with me.
Long story short, he says he wants to stay married. I told him that I couldn't live like brother and sister forever. I re-re-re-re-re-read that part in DR about when your spouse refuses to end the affair. I am not going to work on me, he doesn't like me. I am just going to BE me, for now.
I will have to stop hanging on, because hanging on destroys your mental well being. You get tunnel vision and you interact in a way that makes your situation worse. So for the sake of our R and my sanity, I have decided to let him go - in my mind and heart only, in my actions I will do everything I can do create an environment where H feels so loved and appreciated that he would never want to leave.
Sorry for the rambling, this thread is more like a journal to me. If anyone has some words of wisdom, please chime in.
