Betsey...scary, isn't it? In fact, your H's reaction to personal change is the same as my H's....always everyone else's fault. In fact, it was a personality trait I came to really dislike in H during our M and definately one of my triggers. It made his work, and thus life, miserable, and he never saw himself having any control over it....always "why is this happening to ME." Hard to live with after a while. Also, your description of your family is EXACTLY mine, and what H threw at me before I left this past week. All my mom's fault now. True, not not entirely.
Whew....now to Mama...
I have to second, third and fourth what Betsey says. You KNOW I was in the same position you're in now....the lies, acting as if and turning your head. It was a living nightmare....but I promise it WILL end. It has to. They almost always do. It means nothing, just a distraction. She's not HALF of what you are. Your H is avoiding his issues and problems, running away from them. These are all things my H realized. He wasn't looking for his soul mate, just fun.
Now, that being said, take advantage of this time. Hey, you can't really work with H on an R now, with the mess, so use the time to keep working on you. Like pondering the PA issue, and others. Pondering the sex issue, why it came to be, how you feel about it and how you would approach it. Also, what OTHER things in the M did you need, did you have issues with H about....there have to be a LOT in this dept. How can you start working on them when ready.
Also, I agree with Betsey about him watching you. My H did that as well. I never knew/believed, but I was ALWAYS being watched, evaluatde and believe it or not, believed. I was being tested, pushed to the limits (to see if I'd 'crack' and become a lunatic again)....H was pulling out all his issues too, which is GOOD. Then, low and behold, a month or 2 ago, he comes out with how much he sees I've changed and how could he forget that....WHAT?? Blew me away, I had always assumed that he wasn't looking at the things I did for better. You have a million opportunities in a day. Strive, each day, to make each interaction a POSITIVE one...no matter HOW horrible you feel. I had to PUSH myself to put on a smile and nicec face when H came home late, AGAIN. Again, instead of counting H's actions, tardies, etc.....start counting how many minutes you had iwth H that day and how many were really nice, peaceful and kind. Not loving or passionate...we're not there yet....just peaceful and respectful. Lay the foundation for more stuff. It worked for me (well, I'm in a weird place now). That way, if you DO flip, backslide (b/c we're not perfect), when you FINALLY do express your anger over the A, you can go BACK to the improved person you were....fast, without causing too much trouble.
One thing I learned that boundaries are great, for you, as OT states. But, with my H, as I suspect with Betsey's H....he does NOT react well to anyone pushing or demanding, Probably b/c I did TOO much of that and so did others in his life. He does, however, give you what you want when you aren't asking at all, or ask nicely. What a concept. He described it as, sadly, "It's like I'm a mule....be nice to me and I'll do an insane amount of things, beat me and I will not move." Got it. Wth my H, I just told him that it pained me that he was still being dishonest, and left it at that...didn't ask him to stop, anything. This has to come to a natural end anyway, and it will. My H also needed to feel accepted, loved and treated kindly, ESPECIALLY when he was doing something so unlovable, even in his own eyes. As odd as it seems, it's as if when they are doing this is when they need love the most....
Keep your chin up and know that EVERYTHING you say and do is powerful...it means more than you think/know. Use it wisely and to your advantage.
