Sorry for the mini hijacks here, Mama... but this subject matter is near and dear to my heart. GH, I'll come visit you on your thread in a minute, to clear up any vagaries.
Rob, I must admit that I first read your thread because of your title. I get it that you're Pennsylvania Rob and not P/A Rob.
I'm glad that it helped both of you reframe. I think I learned the hard way that it made things worse to consent to something and then withhold to punish after the fact. I used to do that too... when Mr. Wonderful would ask to go on a fishing trip or something and I would consent and then punish because I didn't want him to go. Nice, eh?
I can remember feeling overwhelmed when he was gone for a weekend--we had a small disabled child, and I would feel alone, lonely and overworked. Instead of communicating how I felt, I went on the offensive toward him--accusing him of being selfish and greedy with his own time. And yes, I feel awful for how I behaved then. He knows it now. We're the happiest, most functional divorced people I know. And the funny thing is that he's told a friend recently that we get along better now than we did when we were married or dating. I find it amusing, because he's right. We both grew up...
I know that the only way I learned how to communicate honestly was to draw out scripts and follow them. I entered each and every conversation with a mission to be honest, to listen and to ask questions--even when I didn't enjoy the topic or the words that he had to say. And I made myself promise not to backslide on punishing him for being honest with me. It was a very tough decision, but it has paid off thousandfold since.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Betsey 