The platonic relationship continues Part 2

[PArob]

WOW! What a fantastic post Underdog! Thank you because your really helped to clarify a LOT of things for me as well. There's so much good information here, but I want to highlight a few things....(sorry for the hijack mama..)

Very gradually, I allowed controversial conversations to take place. In the beginning (well, for at least a year), I would begin the convo with, "I'd like to discuss something important with you. I realize that this is tough for both of us, but I'm going to ask you a question, and you can feel free to tell me no if you feel you can't fulfill my request. And I promise that I won't get angry with you for being honest." In other words, I gave him permission not to talk to me about whatever it was that was on my mind. By doing so, I verbally cued him into the realization that he had choices in communicating with me too. Mama, it worked like a charm. When he knew I had worked on my reactions and that he felt I was being truthful in my promise not to get angry with him for expressing his feelings, he slowly began to open up to me.

I have found that in my situation that I have tried this more and more with my W as well. It is especially crtical that she learns to trust me at this juncture and for a long time it was very hard for her to do this because I would do the same things. Go on the offensive, attack! Lately, in the context of several of more "tender" conversations, I've really taken this approach to heart and have found that on those occassions, she is much more likely to open up to me.

BTW, Rob, you've figured out that you had a choice in how you communicated the shopping trip too? "Honey, money is a little tight right now, and I'm feeling a little afraid of buying things that aren't completely necessary right now. I feel that shoes are one of those items, so can we discuss this before you go out and buy them?"

You own how you feel, you give them permission to disagree with you, and you find a solution. If she does it anyway, you'll just need to dig a little deeper to see why she doesn't feel your feelings are important enough to listen.

Yes, over the last few months I've really become much better at recongizing these sort of conversations and doing just that, expressing my disagreement and offering ways to work through them. Traditionally, this was NOT me (and to be fair, neither was it my W) and in the scenario I described, I would have "punished" her for buying the shoes by brooding or some other withdrawal behavior. Mind you, this would be after I would say something like "sure, go ahead, buy them" all the while knowing that I didn't want her to buy them, but agreeing anyway to avoid the confrontation. Very odd when you think about it, but that's just the way things worked.

Thanks again Underdog, I intend to print this post for future reference!