Thoughts about what GH wrote: DBing and honest talk. I realize that the 'no R talk rule' is for special circumstances, and after that, we should/can talk honestly. And, that authentic communication is the cure for PA behavior.
BUT, while we don't need to avoid R talk altogether, I have to say that it is HARD to be authentic and to NOT be PA in this phase many of us are in: acting as if and detachment. While the immediate crisis mode necessitating 'no R talk' is over, we still can't come out and say 'gee, it really gets me about you and OW, and that leads to these feelings for me...' No, not yet, b/c they're not ready to face it, be receptive to the negativity created by their actions, are still wallowing in guilt. Also, it's hard to say 'gee, it bothers me when you do X ,and I would like to work on it for a better R/M' when our spouses are not at the phase of 'truly' wanting to work on it and be committed to us. Yes, I think at times they do want that, weakly, and verbally commit, I got this from H many times, but I can sense that it's not 100% yet. Fine, but it makes it hard to have honest dialogue....you feel you're not getting enough, they feel pressured, to an extent.
Also, the 'act as if' and 'detach' modes require us to focus without ourselves and detach, not expect...and to a large extent 'turn our heads away' from the bad stuff right now. We can't talk about it, yet it stews in us and leaks out sometimes. So, even if we weren't normally all THAT PA, this phase kinda induces it....so, Mama might NOT be PA in that situation, but she feels tied right now, and unable to communicate honestly with someone lying to her all the time (and I felt)....she's also not a robot to hold things inside, so it comes out in it's own way.
When I did this, I wasn't proud, but I also felt that I was telling H "I won't confront you, because you don't want that and can't deal with it...I am giving space....BUT, we both know what's up and wrong and you know I'm upset." After awhile, after he got out of his fog, he was able to see that it was my pain and hurt so on the surface and it could not go without a talk...and that it was HIS duty to do that.
