What a great topic--passive/aggressive. In my sitch, I see both H and I displaying these traits. For me, it's the setting invisible bars and then getting upset/moody, etc. Kinda like what Mama did.

For H, it's the "push you away, but not tell you what I want" behavior that he's displaying now. "I will abandon you, push you away, treat you like dirt (aggressive) but not make actions to get a D and really express what I want or feel."

In our situations, I think we get PA when we feel something, but don't necessarily want the action. For example: He is angry and fantasizes about D, wants to "punish me" or at least make me feel his anger, but doesn't really want the D either. For me, I will want him to rest, take a nap, but want him to also feel that I am disappointed....not that I want to go out, rather want the attention. So, there's this 3rd object that we project to (D or going out) that is really not part of the picture.

In Rob's case....it's not that he didn't want his W to have shoes, rather that she didn't consider his concerns. In GH's case, it's not that he's desperate for sex (OK, maybe! ), rather that he is hurt his W won't give a little affection back as a sign of her growing love for him. But what does SHE see..."GH wants sex"....so, in being PA, it's not just bad communication, it's misdirected communication that misses the point ENTIRELY....making it all the more dangerous.

I agree with GH's plea for authentic communication. Then get off it...no moodiness, harping, making your point. Just express yourself, seek compromise, be honest. For ex, H and I were discussing his motives for the A and abandoning me, he thought it was better than yelling at me. I disagreed. But instead of harping on my point, I listened, made my point, and then said "well, I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree..." H immediately saw my view after that, b/c for the first time, I wasn't a bully or PA, I was honest and just let it drop and let him have his opinions too...it thus made him more willing to actually talk to me and see my view.

I'm glad I read this post today. It's something I have to practce a LOT. It's a way of communicating I want to let go of and come around in. Food for thought for the weekend.