But why shouldn't I give up? Why should I be the one suppressing all of my feelings and letting him get away with this? What am I trying to hold on to? He is clearly in love with someone else, if he could afford to leave he would be gone already. He doesn't care about me and his actions show that he doesn't care about his kids either. If he did, he would come home from work every day and be with them. It is a beautiful day, our kids are now out of school, our son worships the ground he walks on. Where is he? F-ing someone in my new convertible????? I'm tired of making excuses for him, telling the kids he is working or with his "friends". I know I am angry and irrational, but I feel I have a right to be. Why am I the one walking on eggshells and acting "as if".
Update: A girlfriend (who knows my sitch) called me and calmed me down. Always, I will call you when I'm not such a lunatic.
H waltzed in around 7:15 all happy. Says sorry, he just loves that car. was showing it off to people at work and had a few beers. Didn't say where or with who. I didn't really respond, I was on the computer trying to get my yahoo music account to work. Asked him if we had REO's greatest hits. He said ya, went and got it and then put it on the stereo. Turned on Time for me to Fly and asked, "Is this the song your looking for?" I said absolutely, it's my new theme song and I started singing along real loud. He knows I'm mad but didn't instigate a fight. Kids friends were over so we all went out side and started a fire so they could make smore's. I reigned in my anger and swallowed my pride and was pleasant. Told him take the car tomorrow too, (I don't want it anymore) said I'm taking the kids to the lake and there is not enough room. If he follows his pattern, he will go out this weekend (OW doesn't have her kid).
As I sit here and look at my wonderful little family, our pets, my things, my beautiful house and yard and the fact that I'm able to enjoy it every single day (I don't work) I think to myself do I want to give this all up? If I give in to my anger and hurt ego and throw the bum out then I will be forced to either sell my beautiful home or go get a full time job and have to put my children into daycare. I'm not ready for that, so here I will sit and let H continue to live his double life and I will continue to DB, although half-heartedly I'll admit since I am so tired of this
Glad to see you are back with us today. All I can say is that we all have these times when everything seems to pile up on us. I went through something yesterday and am starting to pull out of it.
I just think that if you embrace the idea that you are living your life by YOUR terms, doing things that will benefit YOU first and your R second, then you will be able to last this out longer.
Remember, you are choosing to be where you are. You said it yourself, and you should understand that as a woman taking responsibility for herself and her happiness, you suffer the consequences AND reap the rewards.
As for this car business, I don't think I understand. This is a car YOU picked out and YOU bought? Why is HE driving it at all? Tell him you want to have your car at home, where YOU can drive it when you want. You don't have to be angry, just clear about what you want. It seems like you "let" him drive it and then got pissed when he did exactly what you KNEW he was going to do. Oh, and BTW, you still don't KNOW he was lying do you?
Also, the REO Speedwagon thing seems a little passive/agressive to me, really as does all the rest of the day's "stuff". You clearly meant to send him a message with that song. Would it not have been better just to either keep the song to yourself OR just express your feelings over what happened, maybe telling him that it felt to you like he may have taken OW for a ride in your car and if that was the case, how much that hurts.
I am not really suggesting a big R talk but if you are going to be passive/agressive anyway, and let him know you're upset but not tell him exactly why, then you may as well have the R talk.
Look, don't take that the wrong way. I am the same way. I do that crap ALL THE TIME and it's because I don't communicate my feelings well. As soon as I get them out, I get defensive and all hell breaks loose. I know how it is, but I also know that it does great damage because it undermines real, effective communication and in the end, that's what we want to foster.
It seems like a contradiction, DBing says NO R talk but the world says that open, direct communication is the key to any relationship. I think, as I have said before, that the no R talk part of DB is just a vehicle to get us past the times when we are almost totally incapable of GOOD communication because of our emotions. Once we are in a better place, i.e. maybe where you and I are, it may be time to open those doors a bit and start shifting into "direct" mode.
Mama, you are doing fine. You are allowed to get upset and have bad days. Just keep looking around your "little" world and see what you are fighting for. YOU are fighting for that and YOU will be better for it no matter what.
Thanks GH. I think first I need to really figure out what passive/aggressive is. Since you say this is how I am, this could be something that I need to work on.
You are correct in the fact that I "let" him take the car knowing full well the possibility of OW getting a "ride" in it. But then again, as you pointed out, I don't KNOW anything. And really, even if I did, according to DB principles there is really is not much that I can do while fighting for my marriage when my H refuses to end his A.
So, I will start over today and not dwell on yesterday. I am here because I WANT to be - for now anyway -
Looked up passive aggressive behavior on Wikpedia, I'll admit I do have some traits but then again so does my H. So now where do we go from here, is this personality disorder correctible?
I don't know if I would characterize passive/aggressive as being a personality disorder per se as much as it is a communication breakdown. Seems to me that everyone can and is passive/aggressive in relationships, whether they admit it or not. To me, being passive/aggressive is simply the opposite of being direct. Let me give you an example of how I am, or was, or still am, passive/aggressive. Say my W tells me she wants to go to the mall and buy a pair of shoes that she likes. Now lets say I don't want her to buy the shoes whether its because they are ugly or they cost too much, whatever. Rather than being direct and telling her that I don't want her to buy them and stating my reasons, I instead get "moody" and don't talk to her or something along those lines. So in essence, I'm getting back at her for buying those dang shoes by treating her like crap. Or I try to undermine her decision to buy the shoes by doing something else. In essence, I'm punishing her for doing it. I guess that's the best way I can describe it.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Mama, passive/agressive as I understand it, well, here...this is from Wikipedia...
Quote: Sometimes a method of dealing with stress or frustration, it results in the person attacking other people in subtle, indirect, and seemingly passive ways. It can manifest itself as resentment, stubbornness, procrastination, sullenness, or intentional failure at doing requested tasks. For example, someone who is passive-aggressive might take so long to get ready for a party they do not wish to attend, that the party is nearly over by the time they arrive.
Someone who is passive-aggressive will typically not confront others directly about problems, but instead will attempt to undermine their confidence or their success through comments and actions which, if challenged, can be explained away innocently so as not to place blame on the passive-aggressive person.
In some instances the passive-aggressive person will solicit the confidence of others as to their ability to perform duties, and then purposely sabotage those duties through procrastination or mishandling responsibility. Subsequent demands for performance are laid aside with claims of interference by the demanding parties or some other condition outside the control of the passive-aggressive's influence, when in fact the delays and poor performance are due to the passive-aggressive's internal perception that to perform the task at another's demand is a demeaning insult to them. The omission of performance leaves the passive-aggressive person in control of the situation, and allows that person to continue the aggressive behavior toward others. These behaviors can persist even if it means personal loss to the passive-aggressive person, i.e. job loss or loss of esteem by others.
Some passive-aggressive behavior may result from society's conditioning of individuals; direct confrontation can lead to harmful consequences. For example, confronting one's manager may lead to the loss of opportunities, such as being passed over for a promotion or even losing one's job.
Often passive-aggressive behavior manifests itself in individuals who view themselves as "peaceful." These individuals feel that expressing their anger through passive-aggressive behavior is morally favorable to direct confrontation.
The lack of repercussions resulting from passive-aggressive behavior can lead to an unchecked continual attack, albeit passive, on one's acquaintances. The treatment of this disorder can be difficult, mostly because efforts to convince the person that they have this problem are met with resistance, and the passive-aggressive will frequently leave a treatment regimen claiming that it did no good.
So, in terms of you, that playing of the REO Speedwagon song, really ASKING HIM to get it for you was VERY passive agressive. Rather than decide NOT to talk to him about your feelings OR deciding TO talk to him about them, you decided to play that song to send the message (the agressive part) in a more passive way.
Also, letting him take the car (passive) then getting upset about it later (agressive) even though you knew FULL well what he would do based on past experience and how you would feel about it is also another perfect example of it from yesterday.
To curb this behavior I have tried my best to identify my feelings or thoughts when they form and right then and there decide if I am going to talk to her about them or not. I know if I stew on it, I will start to send those "signals" which are part of my passive/agressivness. Actually, I am doing a piss-poor job of this right now, which is why I told OT I need a break. I am stewing on my intimacy issues and neither deciding to deal with them internally nor talk to her. I am letting it leak out here and there and she's noticing.
The point is that we want to learn to directly communicate with our spouses, good, bad, or ugly, WITHOUT fear of how they will react. We need to learn to be honest without hedging that honesty on what their reaction may be. We are not them and thinking we know how they'll react to everything we say is a form of control.
Hope that was somewhat right, and helpful to you Mama.
Thanks Rob and GH, Now I feel even worse for my actions yesterday. I'm such a wimp. I HATE confrontations, always have. Thus, people treat me like a doormat because they know I cannot say NO. I am so afraid of not being liked or being rejected. All relates to my childhood and never feeling like I was good enough in my Dad's eyes. Just wishing he would give me a compliment, just once, instead of always letting me know how much of a failure I am.
Hi ho, hi ho, it's back to the couselor I go
Make it a good day guys! GH, don't beat yourself up so much. I know how much it hurts to be rejected sexually by your spouse when every other part of your R with her seems pretty good. We are not in there heads, therefore we have no clue what they are feeling. We need to create an emotional environment where our spouse feels safe enough around us to actually open up and tell us there feelings, however honest and maybe painful they may be. Just my 2 cents.
Mama, don't feel worse, just empower yourself to change. Recogmnize what you are doing (you said you did not really know before) and work to stop. You CAN do that, and yes, maybe the C could help. Go in there with that as your goal. I know that was #1 on my list of goals with C.
And, I won't beat myself up TOO much. I can't. I've almost knocked myself out at this point. One more punch and...
