By that I mean, sometimes, without even knowing, we stop a lot of forms of physical contact, not just things we normally associate with sex. Start these again. Ex: a pat on the shoulder when you're in close proximity or laugh together. A touch/sqeeze of the hand. Touching/cuddling in bed. Brushing of hair with hands, touching the face. Laying your head in their lap, leaning against them while watching TV. Little things.
I started doing all of this pretty long ago (in terms of my sitch). Really, I have been doing these things from the time my stich would permit it and still, there is NO change in her. To be honest, if she DID change, i.e. give ME some affection in a physical way, not only would that be a 180 in terms of the current sitch, but in terms of our marriage as well. In that way, I understand I am fighting a difficult battle that extends deep into our history.
Quote: Little kisses. Hugs from behind. Holding hands. Massages. You get it. Keep this up for a while, make it normal. Even if they don't initiate, you keep it up and see how they become much more comfortable. Do it in a way that you make it clear that it does NOT have to lead to sex (so back off before they do).
Ok, again, I do all this and the best I can say is that she seems to tolerate it, SOMETIMES, very SOMETIMES, she actually seems to like it. Actually, the massage part she always likes but that's a given for my W.
What I like is your part where I stop before it looking like it leads to sex. OT and I have butted heads over this (sorta) in the past but I DO feel like my W is leary of intimacy because it ALWAYS had to lead to sex in the past, and not that she didn't like sex but she didn't like that I ONLY inititated intimacy to "get some". I think I need to be MUCH more aware of that boundary and stop short of it.
I think I have been remis in NOT doing that, pushing things a bit when I should have used restraint. Who knows.
