How is everyone else doing out there? Miss you all. Hope no news is good news.
I'm practicing "dimness" and "acting as if" - haven't seen H in a few days, just a couple of short friendly emails and calls, he usually gets emotional when we talk, even about nothing. He says lots of "I love you's" and "you're so wonderful to me's". It was his birthday yesterday and he's sick, too. What a week.
I had a hard time buying a present - felt oddly unsure of my ability to pick out somthing he'd like, and a bit defeated that OW would likely give him something, too, and it would be much better... ick. Felt like just fading into the woodwork. Awful how this stuff plays with your head. I just resigned myself to the fact that I can't think of it as a competition.
I went by, and saw he was home, so I just left the gift in the porch (funny card instead of sappy one). He was really touched by the gift, and cried (The gift was spectacularly non-sappy.).
Since last week, when H put the brakes on us moving forward, we’ve both been a whole lotta “emotional”. He’s dealing with this situation with me and another phase of things with OW (they have been communicating, but he says she’s at the point of not wanting to talk to him anymore) Both of us are telling him basically we feel like fading into the woodwork. Now my reactions have been up and down. I feel threatened by her, and insignificant (taking it all personally). And my head also tells me to go back to DB basics and be his friend, and so I have recommended some books and stuff to him, including “After the Affair” and “DB”- because he was open to it. (He asked) And says he doesn’t want me to jump to conclusions, he just needs space to deal with himself, then he’ll address more with me.
I understand this in my head, and yet, I am feeling resentful and even apathetic at times. Angry too. I’m frustrated with ME most of all, wish I could turn off the feelings for awhile cause they’re getting in the way of me doing what my head tells me is right. I think the best way to deal with this is rereading DB (which I am) and dimness, but how do I exercise the bad feelings? I am really feeling bad about how I have been with him (showing my frustration and hurt a bit) and I don’t want to do more damage.
I have been so up and down, I feel like a yo-yo. I have to work out here what is actually going on? I’m at war with my emotions. H is taking some space to deal with himself, and help himself out of his stuck-ness. I am all OVER the place about it, one minute ASSUMING he is running back to OW. (which he isn’t) and feeling defeated and down. The next minute, I realize this thinking is not accurate, and he hasn’t decided anything, and I want to get back on the DB horse. I read a lot of old posts here last night, and felt renewed. Felt like getting really SOLUTION - ORIENTED and this helped me get control of these emotions for a while. Soon after I swung again.
Because of H’s need for us to put things on hold and SLOW down (so far meaning no physical contact, and no spending time together) the emails and phone calls become OR talks. Backsliding. I know I should just see this as a time to back up, and notice the baby steps again, but it feels we’ve gone so far backwards, it’s hard for me to get to a good place. He’s tying my hands so that we can’t do more of what was working, really. So I have to figure out a new plan.
And now, in true fashion, my living situation is at risk again, and H wants us to address it, to try to make it better for both of us (which is good) but all I can see is a very bleak picture (my finances basically prevent me from anything but renting rooms from people for the next 4 years.) I have turned a bad situation around so many times, now, I just can’t face it again. It has sent me into the “blame game” and feeling sorry for myself, and I DON’T WANT to be this way.
And you know, I did a 180. I called him last night, because of this other thing – just to reach out. Illogical at this time and risky, but he was eager to help. His idea of help was kind of depressed me more, but it was really nice of him to try, so I thanked him. He called a few times (I didn’t answer yet) this morning to see how I am again. I am a wreck, but I don’t want him to know.
Sorry for ranting. Again. I really do wnat to change this to be more solution focused.
Hi Lee! Not a bunch of time right now, just wanted to direct you to this post which has helped me out many, many times. Has helped me to keep the "waiting" part in perspective. Hope it helps you, also.
In one of the replies Zelda mentioned some techniques in having your spouse "miss you or realize he/she doesn't have you. Any ideas? I'm using some techniques - going out every night, coming home late, not being home when he usually gets home from work, etc... Any suggestions would be helpful!
I have been thinking about this and I want to say a couple of things about "making your spouse miss you or feel they don't have you" , it's really about what you feel comfortable doing, what works for you. I DON'T actually do it consciously because I feel it borders on game-playing. I did it once after being dark, as a bit of a LRT (we needed a jolt to change the pattern), but I have felt bad about it ever since. lol. But that's just me.
I find the biggest things happen when I feel a change in ME. When I genuinely feel "detached" from my H (lovingly) - he notices that shift in me quite quickly and he responds to it. This week, I have had a lot lately that he has to concentrate on himself that I felt a bit defeated and like leaving him alone anyway. I didn't call or email, and he has a few times. Go figure.
Sorry this isn't exactly what you were looking for, but I hope that helped a little.
Whew- things are going better! Since H "put the brakes on" a couple of weeks ago, it was bumpy- me asking a lot of questions, pursuing. Was depressing, felt like square one. Then this last week and a half, I stopped, changed tack and I am seeing the baby steps and catching him doing a lot right. It has brought things around again. I'll tell you the baby steps:
1. He's really rolled up his sleeves to work on himself- read After the Affair - twice. Bought some other books and asked me to borrow my DB book cause he couldn't find it.
2. He has been doing 90% of the initiating contact, email, calls and visiting.
3. He jumpoed in a bit as support for me this week while things at work were really stressful.
4. He has asked me (twice) to reserve a couple of nights next early next week for him to tell me how he's feeling and what he's doing.
5.I'm a bit more relaxed, have lowered my expectations and not bugging him to talk OR. And I tell him I notice and appreciate the efforts. (much less backsliding )
6. We're back to the physical affection (lots of hugs) and smiling more with each other.
7. We've both been making more effort to diffuse when things start to spiral.
Good stuff, yes? I really don't know what to expect from the conversations next week, but I didn't jump at this, left it totally up to him. He seems to think they are the "next step". I'm just glad there IS a next step. Don't want to return to the drama of the past few weeks. Yuck.
It appears I've lost him. He still loves me deeply, but doesn't want to be in a relationship with me. (Anyone actually, but even that's not much comfort). He says that ending he marriage is what he needs to save the good feelings he still has for me and allow them to grow. I have to assume he means friendship now. The marriage has to end. In two months we will be eligible for divorce. I guess that's where we're going.I can't believe it after everything that's happened, and how close we've gotten to reconciling. I feel like we've been doing really well considering all the OW stuff has put us both on such shaky ground at times.
I'm so sick. And I can't say much about my state of mind. I know this is weak of me, but I can't accept it is over. So many times it has been my failure DBing, that I couldn't say with honesty that I KNOW I'll be ok no matter what. I've tried to get there, best I can. But I just don't want it to be over, and I thought he could see possibilities too. I don't know what to do with myself and my thoughts are in a bad place. I thought he was at least going to give me a chance. To listen and try to meet his needs, too. I wasn't asking for a decision. Last week, I thought he was seeing the positives, making an effort. And he says he does, but he says every time he tries to find the romantic place to work from, it feels unnatural and wrong to him. That's so awful. He says he has to be alone. Which is what he said weeks ago, and I was really doing my best recently to respect his space.
He said last week he wanted a couple of nights to talk and I really think I let go of expectation. I didn't expect this though, I thought talking would be talking. I botched it bad, too, I've been a wreck all night, stayed with him. I let him see all the pain, and I'm sorry, but I don't know what else to do.
Can this be turned around? I feel like it was my last chance. I know there's no point wishing, but I do wish he could suspend these things, and make decisions later.
Please help. This is one of the worst days of my life.
LeeP
[This message has been edited by LeeP (edited 08-02-2001).]
Hi Lee. Not a lot of time right now, just wanted to let you know you're not alone. Gotta run to a meeting, will get back to you after that. Hang in there, my friend. It ain't over till it's over!
JJ
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