Ok, Saturday: H came home at midnight. As you all know I was furious. I was a bad DB'er. I told him I figured out his pattern. He stays out late every other Saturday - OW has a kid, but is not married, that is probably when she is with her Dad. He said that was not true (LIE - looked like a deer caught in the headlights). I also asked him why his clothes (he wears a uniform to work) didn't smell like smoke if he was supposedly in a bar - had no answer. (Because of online banking I know he spent $ at target earlier in the day, so he probably bought something to wear). I also told him that I am not going to put up with the lying anymore - he has no respect for me or the kids - he said that is not true blah, blah, blah.... Went to bed.
Sunday morning: we are supposed to go out of town with my family, I wasn't in the mood to go. Kids really wanted to so I didn't want to let them down. Told H we needed to talk. I told him I can't live like this anymore. If he wants to go, then go. He said he wanted to stay married. I said why? Is it cause you can't afford to leave? He said no, he loves his family. He said our problem was our sex life, or lack of it. I tried to explain that lots of couples with small children have a lacking sex life as there is usually always someone wanting to sleep with us, etc. I told him ALL couples have problems of one kind or another NO ONE's life is perfect. I told him part of my problem with intimacy was a very poor body image as I felt fat and uncomfortable. He said I wasn't fat that I just wasn't into him. I asked him if he was now a mind reader. We both agreed to work on our relationship but I told him it will never work when there are 3 people involved. Of course he denied OW and said he just wants to go out and drink with his friends, said he won't do it anymore (Where have I heard that before?) On a positive note, when he comes home from these rendevous he is always totally blasted - so how much fun can they be having?
Anyway, went out of town I bit my tongue and had a good time. We even held hands while taking a walk. (I initiated )
Tuesday: he came home from work and was very nice and pleasant - thanking me for all that I do around here.
Hey there, Mama. Hang in there, it gets really tough at times. I understand fully. Ugh.
So, how are ya doing today. Nice that he complimented you...stay detached, though. So, if he wants to work on the M, you finally have a verbal committment? YAY!!! So, can you two start talking about how to address the sex issue? Do you think you're at that stage yet? Maybe a few more weeks of good vibes and nice, peaceful, neutral times together are in order to build that "feel good" foundation. It's kinda where I'm at now. Does wonders.
Glad you managed to have a great weekend. Lots of effort on your part, I imagine, to reign in your feelings and put it aside for a good time for your family. Remember, when you talk to H, and he expresses his views about sex, validate. Let him know it's common, but understand and validate his feelings. He feels that you weren't into him, that's gotta hurt really badly. It's probably gonna take time for him to come around on that one.
Now, let's get to the good part...YOU. What are some things you're doing for yourself this summer? Your work ended, what's going on with kids and other stuff, activities. How about doing stuff for you? Shopping, working out, etc. You mentioned body image, I understand this. It also seems that H didn't make you feel that way, you did (or mostly you?). Anyway, how can you tackle that, and find ways to improve your body image? I know it's hard after kids, getting older, etc. BUT, you gotta get that back, not just for H or M, but for YOU. You want to feel good about your body, mind and everything all the time. Some things I did for myself: 1) working out. I know it's hard for you, but how about an early morning walk or bargaining with H to take care of the kids while you go out for 30 min for a nice vigorous walk, or go with the family. Good for all. Time to gather thoughts or spend time talking with H and kids. Honestly, the exercise has been the BEST thing for me these months. 2) Some new clothes, or something. I'm not a shopper AT ALL, but it's amazing what you can do at thrift stores...some pretty cool stuff there. Whatever floats your boat and isn't too much cash--nailpolish, hair stuff, makeup, whatever. Just remember, make yourself feel good, and it radiates.
How about getting out with friends? Anything interesting going on for the summer? Push yourself--feels like a rut at times, but with effort, you can push yourself out and to feeling good again. This will rejuvenate the DB efforts too.
Thanks for checking in Always. You "always" come up with really great ideas. Two weeks ago I reconnected with a lifelone friend of mine. We were best friends for 25 years but 2 years ago I decided I couldn't be friends with her anymore (long story), anyhow she heard some rumors that my marriage might be in trouble and called me up to offer her friendship. We put the past behind us, I told her what was done is water under the bridge. I told her about my sitch and she is VERY supportive.
Her and I plan on doing lots with the kids this summer. I am definitely going to start working out again. I was doing this DVD "Firm, flat abs fast" over the winter and it really worked. Tomorrow morning I will get up early and start doing it again. When you feel good about yourself, it really makes a huge difference in your attitude.
Quote: Maybe a few more weeks of good vibes and nice, peaceful, neutral times together are in order to build that "feel good" foundation
I believe this is where we are at. I believe H really needs to get OW out of his system. I don't want to push him. He needs time to reflect on what is happening in our lives. He needs to feel sadness, grief, guilt or remorse. I want us to reconnect sexually when we are BOTH ready. I've waited this long.......
Seeing them in sadness, guilt and remorse is hard. Less than 1 week after H came home, something came up, and it was clear to me that H was so fragile, wanting so badly to forget what he did, and feeling the pain. He said that he felt he ruined my life and felt so guilty. Then he cried....he wailed, loud horrible sobs, and I cried too. It was horrible for both of us, so much time in our M wasted and destroyed. It was cathartic for both of us. You want that moment of them feeling guilt and the apologies, and when it comes, you realize that you can't think of their sins without thinking of your own, the pain of your M, the great loss of it all.
Somehow, we push forward to put it all back together. It's seeing the vulnerable, fragile human side in a person you love that makes it somehow all tolerable, forgiveable, and worth it all.
Glad you found your friend and are planning for a fun summer.
Here's an idea. Seems like H gets a lot of "space" and alone time after work....how about space for YOU. Away from kids. You're a great fall back for him to take care of the kids, but you need space too.
How about asking him to watch the kids on a given night, and go out with a friend or just by yourself. Walk the mall, catch a movie, just drive around.
Sometimes, getting up and out of the house breaks the negative rut our minds get in. It's refreshing and energizing.
Always, you are so right. Last January (I'm almost embarrassed that it's been so long) I went out with my girlfriend for my birthday. Nothing big, just dinner, reminising and a few marghareta's (sp) and I got a tatoo. But we had so much fun! Will definitely plan something like that again. I always have so much guilt leaving the kids but I need to let them have alone time with their dad.
I also have an older friend, (my Mom's age) that went thru something similar a long time ago (she is still married) and she wants to have a girls night out going to a movie and dinner or bowling - I think I will give her a call soon too.
Thanks again for all of your support. Even though I don't "know" you, you have become someone I really count on and someone that maybe someday I could be good friends with and we could be laughing about the events of 2005-2006.....
Girl, I hope we'll be laughing about a LOT in the future, and maybe even the events of 2005/2006!
DEFINATELY hang out. At first it was hard for me, kinda annoying to hang with friends. I felt like it was so much effort to distract myself from my misery. Then, I realized how nice it felt. I still force myself, but it comes more naturally.
Don't feel guilty, think of it as "alone time with dad" for the kids. Also, I honestly come back refreshed and calmer after the outings, which is always nice for H!
From now on, give us updates on all the fun you're having in life.
I sure am glad to have you as a friend as well....thanks so much for your kind words and advice on my thread (which needs an updating!), it helps more than you know.
Quote: we could be laughing about the events of 2005-2006...
God willing this will happen sooner rather then later. I'm about tired of all the drama, and I know you are too. Glad to hear things aren't going too badly for you--it's about time you saw some positive progress! Go out with the girls, have a good time, and make sure you share the pictures!
You know what, this board is like my IV, my lifeline. I am very computer illiterate but I can't seem to stay away from here for too long. I can get support from my "happily" married friends and family but no one knows what I am feeling except for you guys. Thank you so much for tuning into my drama, in the midst of your drama. I really feel that we all might have made some drastic decisions had we not found this website. It makes us feel not so alone, that a lot of couples are having problems. Fighting FOR our marriage is a very difficult and COURAGOUS thing to do. I commend each and everyone of you. You and I are all such strong and wonderful people. If in the end things don't work out, that's ok. We now have so much more knowledge. Even if we start a new R, nothing in this life is for sure besides death and taxes. Make every day a TERRIFIC one! Be happy, do not dwell on the negative things, count all of your blessings, no matter how small they may seem.
YAY! That's more like it! First, stop berating yourself about anything (reference your comment about being computer illiterate). You found your way here, and that's literate enough!
Now, go with that bad a$$ attitude and get a life and have some fun. We've all been far too serious with our dramas...time to lighten up!
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