Today I got proof beyond a shadow of a doubt that my W's A with the OM still exists, despite her Acadamy Award winning promise to me that she would not carry on any relationships outside our M while we worked on it becasue that wouldn't be fair to me. LOL and I bought it hook line and sinker.
Anyway, I am about to just give up after 4 months of blood sweat and tears, but before I do I would like to hear from anyone that has managed to put it back together even after your spouse has completely detached from you both emotionally and physically and just would not let the OM/OW go.
I haven't felt that there was much progress if any at all with my efforts even though I've been told I'm doing all the right things. Today just showed me why I've not seen any change. It's becasue the outside influence still exists and everything I accomplish over the weekend and evenings gets blown away in 15 minutes with the OM.
So, does anyone have some words of encouragement, because I am just ever so close to the edge of the cliff and thinking about making the leap across the canyon.
Encouragement - it's closing in on THREE YEARS for my mess, H totally detached emotionally and physically, and in just the last month(s) I am feeling H coming closer than we've been in all this time. 4 months is a drop in the bucket IMO, but each of us has a different limit.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Well, Iguess I did reach my limit tonight. I know I could not last a year or more under these conditions. I just need more from the relationship than she is willing to give. Today she started to dredge up all the unhappy memories in our marriage and I just couldn't take it anymore. I got upset and my tears took over. She then told me that I would never trust her nut I know she has been lying along our journey. So with that I decided it was time for the ultimatum. I laid it out on the table and told her this is not what I want, that she knows what I want but I am prepared to move on and give her the divorce she has said she wanted if she couldn't bring just one shread of honesty back into our relations ship. She of course told me she has been honest with me all along and again that I have to trust her. I told her it was impossible for me to trust her when she is so obvious about her attempts at diseption. Not being able to take one more lie I presented her with all the evidence I had gathered in the months past. Once I got her to admitt to that lie decided to confront her again about all the other lyes she has told me. Finally she admitted to them and I now realize I will never be able to trust her. Tomorrow I will make the first steps in ending our marriage.
I thank all who have supported me over the past few months. You gave me hope when I had none but now I know it really is a hopeless case and I need to move on with my life to keep me healthy
The truth hurts.... she knows it and so do you. I'm not sugar coating anything but you know...if you really want it to work and I am sure you have tried in the past...then you may know you are done....what about the chapter in the DB book on affairs? How long has hers been going on for? Also I have read that the more W hangs out with you and the more she stays in contact with you....the more this is going to piss off OM and he will start to show his true colors....what are you going to do? Are you separated now?
Maybe a separation is in order.....fast and clean....her butt out the door if she is so happy...make it legit though.
Think about it some more before you make a decision. You might change your mind tomorrow. (Somebody posted that a while ago on my thread and he was right, I did change my mind). I completely feel w/you about the lies, been there...see my name. Only you will know what you can and want to deal with, but don't make any quick decisions. Those are usually not the best ones. Your sitch still can change.
I just really can't take anymore. Her affair has been going on for 18 months maybe longer. 18 months is what she has admitted too. But like I said, everything out of her mouth is a lie. so I don't beleive it's only been 18 months. Even after I told her I would give her the divorce and she had no reason to lie anymore she still continued to lie. She has said so many hurtful things to me I'm realizing she is not even close to being the person I once married. She's told me that she would like to buy my half of the house out but I don't think she even realizes that she would never be able to afford this place on her own. I've told her I want the house sold.
Gotta laugh though. When I asked her why she was giving me all this affection over the past few months she said she felt bad about me and the sitch she brought us into and that it really had no meaning in it for her. Yet this morning as I walked out the door she rushed up to me to give me a kiss and a hug and I have to say I rejected it completey. I just don't want something that means nothing!
She seems to be very scared at this point and tried to call me several times today and when she finally did get in contact with me asked how I was. I said good under the circumstances and as she hung up she gave me the usual token ILY and again I rejected this.
Wow! Simply Amazing. Since she declared her love for the OM and I told her I would give her her so desired divorce I saw an incredible change today.
She actually called me 4 times today the 3 call was to ask me if she could get councelling thru my insurance. I said yes but why the sudden change in wanting to go. I had asked her to go over 4 months ago and she refused. Today she told me that she wanted to go so she could sort out her feeling and hopefully decide what direction she wanted her life to go in. No promise we still wouldn't divorce but she asked me if I would hold off on going forward with it while she went to councelling.
I told her that it is fantastic that she wants to go and I even told her how proud I was and that it takes a lot of courage to admit when you need help.
I replied with a question. I asked her if she had considered if I wanted to put my life back on hold for her like I had been doing for the last 4 months so she could continue to try and work it out in her mind. I told her I was ready to move on and would need some time to think about whether or not I was willing postpone the divorce and go back into waiting mode. She has continued to show me the little affection signs and keeps saying ILY when she gets off the phone but this time I won't echo those words as I have done in the past. She simply gets I'll talk to you later ad goodbye.
She was oh so confident last night that the OM was ready to leave his W for her. I have a feeling when she saw him today to give him the news that we were over she didn't get the reaction she was expecting from him. I know she didn't expect me to say I waned the divorce and she seems to be running scared at the moment. Strange isn't it, I was ready to go forward and now I she is not so willing to do the same. It does feel good to be more in control of my life.... I will keep you all posted on todays developments. I still don't know that I even want her back at this point. I'll have to search my feeling again now!
An even bigger and more interesting question is WHY did I run across it TONIGHT???
I don't believe in coincidences.
I was a WAW lost in a MLC. I had an affair that wrecked my home and family. At one point I promised my H that I would try to break things off with OM. I couldn't. My head was such a mess. Believe me when I tell you I didn't MEAN for it all to happen. My life got TOTALLY out of control and I allowed it. I knew right from wrong but not what was right or wrong FOR ME. My husband left, detached and wrote us off. God knows, this is the SHORT version of my story which was 3 years in the making. Suffice to say that once my husband was DONE and I had extricated myself from the grip of OM (who turned 'staker' by the way)...I then underwent MONTHS of self reflection and examination. What I found was that I never stopped loving my husband. We had just lost each other as life was passing us by. Then all that was wrong in my mind spilled over and the result was a MLC.
All of that is over now.
I have spent the last 7 months trying to reconcile.
We have come pretty far, to say the least.
The jury is still out but I have so much faith in my sitch now that I dare say for the first time in my life, I have truly done the right thing.
I'm standing.
Your wife CAN change. I hope she gets that counseling.
Believe me though, the person you love is still there. She's just lost.
Do it quietly....but try to STAND a little longer.
JF, it's the strangest thing, but my sitch is similar to yours, in that, once I told my H that he can have his D (I also couldn't stand the lies - I am a very honest person, and feel really strongly about that), and that I want it too, and started detaching (i.e. moved him out of our bedroom, etc.), he suddenly started having all those old feelings for me again. I decided to give it another try, and it's been more than year since, but I still don't fully trust him, and doubt I ever will. And, maybe that's a good thing. Should we ever trust anyone completely? Maybe I have become a little cynical about life, but I am glad I am not so naive anymore, and so trusting.
Anyway, give it some serious thought, and give it at least a couple of weeks before you give her your answer. Let her sweat it out a little. It is good to know that you will be okay, no matter what, 'eh?!
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
I spent today trying to figure out why she has a sudden interedt in going to personal counselling. She has not suggested Marriage counselling. I am kind of at a loss. as to her motive. I figure one of several possible things happened the morning after I told her I want to move on. By the way she was oh so very confident that night that OM would leave his wife for her.
1. She told OM I wanted to give her divorce and she didn't get the expected reaction from him. Now she wants to stall me until she sees if he follows thru with his promise. (I beleive this is the nost likely scenario)
2 She really wants the divorce but is now realizing all the hardships with the kids, explaining to family and friends and finance troulews she will be faced with and wants to go to councelling to maybe learn how to deal with these things)
3 She is very sincere about her desire to save the marriage.
I think the latter is least likely because even thought she wants to seek councel that we still may divorce and that she still feels the same as always about OM
She has never actually asked for the divorce. I have asked her in the past if she wanted one and the answers has always been "I don't know what I want" so I think really shocked her when I told her I wanted the divorce and that I hope she is happy in her new life with OM. I think she belived I was truly afraid and when I would get upset she could just comfort me a little and I would go back to being submissive and she could get back to having the cake and eating it too.
She was also very surprised whne the strong and confident man I have always been returned. She was stunned to learn that during the past 4 months I had not just been sitting around feeling sorry for myself but had been preparing for the worst by talking to lawyers, realtors, and had done all my homework regarding the sitch.
My DB coach has made a great suggestion for me on how to approach and answer her question and get the answer I need to see before I make my decision about putting the divorce on hold with out making me totally volerable again a without pressuring her at all.
I need to do some research on it so it will take a few days I'm sure before I approach her on it.
