I have been so up and down, I feel like a yo-yo. I have to work out here what is actually going on? I’m at war with my emotions. H is taking some space to deal with himself, and help himself out of his stuck-ness. I am all OVER the place about it, one minute ASSUMING he is running back to OW. (which he isn’t) and feeling defeated and down. The next minute, I realize this thinking is not accurate, and he hasn’t decided anything, and I want to get back on the DB horse. I read a lot of old posts here last night, and felt renewed. Felt like getting really SOLUTION - ORIENTED and this helped me get control of these emotions for a while. Soon after I swung again.
Because of H’s need for us to put things on hold and SLOW down (so far meaning no physical contact, and no spending time together) the emails and phone calls become OR talks. Backsliding. I know I should just see this as a time to back up, and notice the baby steps again, but it feels we’ve gone so far backwards, it’s hard for me to get to a good place. He’s tying my hands so that we can’t do more of what was working, really. So I have to figure out a new plan.
And now, in true fashion, my living situation is at risk again, and H wants us to address it, to try to make it better for both of us (which is good) but all I can see is a very bleak picture (my finances basically prevent me from anything but renting rooms from people for the next 4 years.) I have turned a bad situation around so many times, now, I just can’t face it again. It has sent me into the “blame game” and feeling sorry for myself, and I DON’T WANT to be this way.
And you know, I did a 180. I called him last night, because of this other thing – just to reach out. Illogical at this time and risky, but he was eager to help. His idea of help was kind of depressed me more, but it was really nice of him to try, so I thanked him. He called a few times (I didn’t answer yet) this morning to see how I am again. I am a wreck, but I don’t want him to know.
Sorry for ranting. Again. I really do wnat to change this to be more solution focused.
